Lena St. Clair

        to terious ability to see t seet of another.

        But s predict     our family. And s causes t no so stop them.

        Oime ment sat too steeply on t dead, and it did.

        ures store opened up across treet from our bank, my mots money drained aer, an officer of ted for embezzlement.

        And just after my fat year, s my fate t t sered it fait s roots and no er could get to it. topsy report ser received sy-pert blockage of teries before    attack at ty-four. My fat glishree eggs sunnyside up every m.

        I remember ty of my moting my    boug she will see.

        o find t    do roads, unmarked because ts alear doo keep out salesmen, developers, and city iors. e are only a forty-minute drive to my motment in San Francisco. ty-minute ordeal ing back from San Francisco,    to to t, soucly to ly said, "Ai, tire squealing." And ttle later, "too mucear and ;

        I could see eeri cars t e. And I ly glad to c. ailgated old ladies in they pulled over.

        And at time, I ed myself for being mean-spirited, for torment. Yet I couldnt    ed    m, before ;You serminators, because Mirugai is your cat and so ts only fair."

        None of our friends could ever believe    t our problems are muc, so deep I dont even knoom is.

        And no my motaying for a il tris are done reend notter.

        Meanually s really ask, s says, "Aii, so muc; as s of ts alo my moterms: "ell, you see, its tails t cost so mucs , its s really ."

        And my mot;Bleauc;

        During our brief tour of t of t;running do; S room ; Stle spatters of    oil. My motails t cost so mucill a barn.

        S annoys me t all ss. But true. And t else is going oo o us. Because I remember somet years old.

        My motold me I would marry a bad man.

        "Aii, Lena," ser t dinner so many years ago, "your future    finis;

        S my bo;I ono;

        And I t of a mean neiginy pits in    rue, t twelve and his name was Arnold.

        Arnold    my legs    to be my future    cold bo feo my mout my mot my future    Arnold but someone whe porcelain in my now    bowl.

        But my mot;Yesterday, you not finis; I t of t lined my bo. By te, my eig greerror-stri over ty t my future ed to be to my poor eating s, ually resemble ters of the moon.

        t to remember from my c it is actually a memory I recall from time to time ure of nausea and remorse. My loato suc t I eventually found a o make    o from anot could    loosely ected ces. And rue or not, I kion    someto    o look at all events and all t, an opportunity to take or avoid.

        I found tunity. told me about ture    Sunday sceacs so t all es of one anoteac us, a roomful of squirmy, ito God, to do Gods ;

        S;I    you to t a nickels    eacys, your Necco    to    to see. And I also    you to t rue blessings in life really are."

        And t tor clattering ao tree trunks, ed as jungle vines. But t terrible of tions s and pustules, cracks and bumps, and fissures t I ed . If my motold me tims of future o eat platefuls of food.

        After seeing terrible t I o do so I    o marry Arnold. I began to leave more ri my boended my prodigal ter sando a dy bar and sas and creamy goo, I sacrificed t as well.

        I sidered t probably noto Arnold, t    not get leprosy, move to Afrid die. And ty t .

        die rig, it er, by opped eating, not because of Arnold,    to be faseen-year-old girls o suffer as teenagers. I ting at t table, ing for my moto finisly ting o ther.

        "Oen to t; ill dabbing. And ts ed to Cal State o bee a podiatrist.

        "Doctors    first baffled by t is extremely rare and generally attacks    and ty, monto years after tracted t; read my fat;ted    noticed ion problems aal letil o a a. teen, never regained sciousness.

        "Didnt you kno boy?" asked my fatood te.

        "t; said my mot me. "terrible s;

        And I t s so die. I errified.

        t nigolen a raer spoonful do. And later, for several er t, I sat side my bedroom, retco tainer. And I remember    eating someterrible, errible could make me feel so good.

        t t I could    so ridiculous. Perio be my o myself, even today, s cies a opposites?    for orture?    t racted measles to e    place— of wounded love?

        And even    some part, . I did Arnold. I got harold.

        tectural firm, Livotny & Associates. Only ny is a partner and I am an associate. e met eigarted Livotny & Associates. I y-eig assistant, and y-four. e botaurant design and development division of harned Kelley & Davis.

        e started seeing eaco talk about ts, and    tab rigendency to gain ed meetily for dinner, ill divided the bill.

        And    ti    do. Sometimes I insisted on paying for tip. And it really didnt bother me.

        "Lena, youre really extraordinary," er six mont-prandial lovemaking, and one imid and silly love fessions. e ained in revealing places, not very romantic.

        And ;I dont t anotoget;—and I remember feeling a ;anot; because I could imagine dozens, o buy , lunco feel their skin.

        t my ned said in a rus;Nor anyone w and squis;

        And , I s revelation of love, w raordinary.

        No Im angry at s o remember    ies, because I    t stupid to fall in love o marry , and sequently    all tune    moving in    fears: t ell me I smelled bad, t I errible bats, t my taste in musid television     a neion for    t; t you ;

        And I t feeling of fear never left me, t I ly, a friend of mine, Rose, old me ts are onpla women like us.

        "At first I t it y," Rose said. "Or t maybe it    everytao and not make    my t said, ure, your ety? And I remembered reading an article about baby boomers,    t and     maybe s all diminisurns after a certain age."

        And after my talk    better about myself and I t, Of course, s.    exactly ainly attractive in t ellectual    be a raviy, but a lot of ell me Im "exotic" in an unusual    my breasts dont sag, no small breasts are in. Plus, one of my ts said I ality and exuberance.

        So I t like bad karma. ere equals. Im also smart. I uitive, old o start his own firm.

        ill    ;    arted your ooday, youd aurant ts."

        And ;s love."

        And I sed back, laug;More t good. Youre t taurant design and development. You kno and I kno, and so do a lot of restaurant developers."

        t    o "go for it," as    it, ed ever since a bank I used to ed ts employee productivity test.

        But still, I said to ; to , too. I mean, yoing to need moo start t;

        aking any money from me, not as a favor, not as a loan, not as an iment, or even as t on a partnersionsoo muc    to i ;I     a    any more t one. As long as e, well always be sure of our love for eac;

        I ed to protest. I ed to say, "No! Im not really t mo. Im really into giving freely. I …" But I didnt ko ask    ing love in all its    t Id been ing to ime.

        "Actually, you could    if you moved in     you paid to me…"

        "ts a ; I said immediately, kno    didnt matter t t on my studio     ra money, no matter wh.

        So    arted Livotny & Associates, and I    to    coordinator. And no,    get aurant ts of , eo sue if    over t year. So I gave alks in told garde tic restaurant design, to differentiate her firms.

        "; I said. "s anota pla sleek Italian moderno? o    of tos t are just es of t every time. Get tors o Ameri iy."

        said, "I love it .

        So I stammered out my love. "You…you…could do neing places…a…a…uff, mom at tcresses leaning over telling you to finish your soup.

        "And maybe…maybe you could do a novel-meaurant…foods from fi…sand desserts from Nora Epburn. And somet;

        ually listeo me. ook ted, met    still, I remember, it was my idea.

        And today Livotny & Associates is a groime people, aurant design, ill like to call "ting."    ma, tation to a ne. I erior designer, because, as     seem fair to ted me just because    er arted Livotny & Associates. And even t udies, I took only one relevant course, in ter set design, for a college produ of Madama Butterfly.

        At Livotny & Associates, I procure ts. For oaurant called tale, one of my prized findings enciled ;Overbored," and I    ture fised    ranslating into feet. For a Laray S t, and I found the replicas of cobras lying on fake hollywood boulders.

        I love my    it too muc it,    paid, o everybody except me, I get upset.

        So really,    t    seven times more t I make. oo, because    it into my separate c.

        Lately,    being equals started to bots been on my mind, only I didnt really kno. I just felt a little uneasy about somet a    all became clear. I ting t diso cer, op, e coffee mug o ttle domestic signs of familiarity, our daily ritual, made me s it ime o    g    iurn.

        And o till    feeling and I touc;; And ;I love you, too. Did you lock t; And just like t, I started to ts just not enough.

        ;Im going doo buy stuff for dinner. Steaks okay? ant anyt;

        "ere out of rice," I say, discreetly nodding touro me. S tc trellis of bougainvillea. And t the sound of g gravel as he drives away.

        My motart to er ts. Sanding on iptoes, peering at a list stu our refrigerator door.

        t says "Lena" and "; and under ead :

        Lenu

        chi, veg., bread, broccoli, shampoo, beer $19.63

        Maria ( + tip) $65 groceries

        (see s) $55.15

        petunias, potting soil $14.11

        Po developing $13.83

        harold

        Garage stuff $25.35

        Batuff $5.41

        Car stuff $6.57

        Ligures $87.26

        Road gravel $19.99

        Gas $22.00

        Car Smog Check $35

        Movies & Dinner $65

        Ice Cream $4.50

        t over a y from my c.

        " is ting?" asks my mother in ese.

        "O t; I say as casually as I .

        And s me and fro doesnt say anyto reading t, time more carefully, moving em.

        And I feel embarrassed, kno, tless talks, anding about not including personal t;mascara," and "sion," "; or "Bic s; "tampons," or "ates foot po;

        married at city ed on paying t my friend Robert to take pos. e y at our apartment and everybody broug t I sage of tgage based on age of unity property; tten in our prenuptial agreement. Since e on    is sleek, spare, and ; noto disrupt ttered look. As for vacations, togety-fifty. tanding t its a birtmas present, or an anniversary gift.

        And    rol pills, or dinners at ertain people    I subscribe to but    because hem for himself.

        And ill argue about Mirugai, t—not our cat, or my cat, but t t o me for my birt year.

        "t s; exclaims my motonisartled, ts about Mirugai. But ting to "ice cream" on . My mot remember t on ted, sittio t tainer urgitated ice cream. I could and tuff after t. And tartled once again to realize t iced t I do any of the ice cream he brings home every Friday evening.

        ";

        My mot t up to    o explain t: "So e false dependencies…be equals…love    obligation…" But tand.

        So instead I tell my mot;I dont really knos sometarted before    married. And for some reason opped."

        urns from tore, arts te teaks, cook t table. My mots on a stool at te ter, drinking from a mug of coffee Ive poured for es stom of tissue suffed in er sleeve.

        During dinner, ion going. alks about ts, expanding ting floulips and crocuses, clearing tyle tile batable and starts stag tes in the dishwasher.

        "?" o the freezer.

        "Im full," I say.

        "Lena ot eat ice cream," says my mother.

        "So it seems. S."

        "No, s it. S like."

        And noio translate her has said.

        "Its true," I say evenly. "Ive ed ice cream almost all my life."

        me, as if I, too, and.

        "I guess I assumed you    trying to lose weig;

        "S see ; says my mot;S, disappear."

        "ts rig, ts great," exclaims rying to rescue him.

        After dinner, I put    to room. My motting on t look to it: te ss and , polised gray walls.

        tion is an odd-looking piece rig to table made out of a slab of unevenly cut marble and ts able and top starts to he vase quiver.

        "Careful, its not too sturdy," I say. table is a poorly designed piece t udent days. Ive al doesnt bear any of traits of "fluidity" t are so important to hese days.

        " use for?" asks my motable ;You put sometop, everyt;

        I leave my motairs. o let t air in. his every evening.

        "Im cold," I say.

        "s t?"

        "Could you close t;

        me, sig, and ts doting on t kno t    harold.

        And before I even do it, I kn a fig is bigger to    I do it anyo tor and I cross out "ice cream" on .

        "s going on ;

        "I just dont t credit for your ice cream anymore."

        ;Suits me."

        "o be so goddamn fair!" I s.

        s ed look. " is t you say ter?"

        "I dont kno kno for everyt    sired of it, adding trag, making it e out even. Im sick of it."

        "You ed t."

        " are you talking about?"

        "All rig terminators, ."

        "ts not t!"

        "tell me, please, ?"

        I start to cry,    alive. But I t , because I realize no I dont kno of t is. Am I asking o support me? Am I asking to pay less top ating for everyt io tally t    I feel    ten married in t place. Maybe his way.

        None of it seems rig to note despair.

        "I just to c; I say    es out like o t    t, ;

        "S,"    t sounds like a    voice, "ell, I kno more t. A lot more. And if you dont t , before you c;

        And no knoo t am I saying? s    in t saying anyt t in tance is ts stering, upstairs, and a chair scrapes across a wood floor.

        arts to get up, but I say, "No, Ill go see."

        t t, "Ma?"

        I see it rigable collapsed on top of its spindly black legs. Off to treer.

        And tting by tte against t sky. Surns around in    I t see her face.

        "Fallen do; s apologize.

        "It doesnt matter," I say, and I start to pick up t;I kne would ;

        "t stop it?" asks my mother.

        And its su.
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