Rose hsu Jordan

        I used to believe everyt knole, sold me s    gs ;oo-; to be let in. S unless he room.

        And all true to me. t strong.

        S if I listeo er I en to oo easily to ot ing meaning, because ttom of ts, w belong.

        t ers and I all slept in t sister,    made one nostril sing like a bird at nigling Nose. Rut because soes out in tc my eyes so I    o see to do. During t to fall asleep. I g to to leave this world for dreams.

        "Your sisters o see Old Mr. C; my moto my mot opened into dreams. "Are you ready to go see Old Mr. Coo?" And every night I would shake my head.

        "Old Mr. Cakes me to bad places," I cried.

        Old Mr. y sisters to sleep. t before. But Old Mr. Cried to , o squass o wakefulness.

        But eventually Old Mr. C tired and leave tc top and sloilt. And I    doors or windows.

        I remember oime I dreamt of falling ttime garden and Old Mr. g, "; I ran aomping on plants    copligil I came to a giant playground filled er ro could see me i, told Old Mr. Co pie t irely different.

        "Stop op ; cried my motried to run a;See en to your mot; And I became paralyzed, too scared to move in any dire.

        t m, I told my mot ;Dont pay attention to Old Mr. Co listen to me."

        And I cried, "But Old Mr. s to you too."

        More ty years later, my motill trying to make me listen. A monter I told    ted and I ting a divorce, I met    c ty-t Church.

        "Yetting too t; my mot do to ;You must eat more."

        "Im fine," I said, and I smiled for proof. "And besides,    it you ig;

        "Eat more," sed, and ttle spiral-bound book itled "Cooking t; t to raise money for the Refugee Scholarship Fund.

        topped and ter cleared .    tor; I reized o steal baseball cards er ing    to divinity sco C to ty jail for selling stolen car stereos.

        "I    still ; ing said to t;S ingredients, so itd be a s;

        "Already cre-mated," my motter-of-factly, nodding toar,    s get it.

        "t one, ; Sing to a large spray of yelloy-four dollars. All artificial, so it    forever. You    pay me later. Janid Matt;

        "Yes, ted sent me a c;

        ter asked everyoo bo at last, dabbialked: "I    just see titude."

        And o sing e: "You    be an an-gel, ev-ery day o;

        But my mot singing. Saring at me. "; I kept looking at t;Send-ing rays of sun-s;

        And so sion: ";

        Monkey business? ted? I ed to laug also t, ed,    alter o in t of passion? I could just see ing "Oo; tress trying to grab a breast.

        "No, I dont t; I said.

        "?"

        "I dont talk about ted no ;

        "alk about trid not ;

        "Psycrist."

        "Psycricks," sed herself.

        "A mot. A mot is inside you," s;A psycricks will only make you ;

        Back    about rue. Lately I o be    about in Engliserms. I suppose t in meaning ;fused" and "dark fog."

        But really, t. Maybe t be easily translated because to a sensation t only C trying to find your    youre so scared you t open your eyes, so you get on your ening for voices to tell you wo go.

        I alking to too many people, my friends, everybody it seems, except ted. to eacold a different story. Yet eacrue, I ain of it, at least at t t I told it.

        to my friend averly, I said I never kneil I sa sucerally a porn off bot a sewing me back up.

        "orn off erical," said averly. "You    my opinion, youre better off     s only because its taken you fifteen years to see ional    feels like."

        to my friend Lena, I said I ter off    ted. After tial s miss    all. I just missed t wh him.

        "?" Lena gasped. "You ed into t to     t even."

        I told my psycrist I    of calling ted up and inviting o dio one of trendy er arted t course and ;Its not t easy, ted." From my purse I ake out a voodoo doll . I    fork at a strategic spot on t loud, in front of all taurant patrons, "ted, youre just sut bastard and Im going to make sure you stay t ;ham!

        Saying t I o top of a big turning point in my life, a neer just t just looked bored, ill propped under ;It seems youve been experieng some very po; ;I t t ;

        And so I didnt knoo t feoried my life, going from room to ro to remember tory of everyted before I met ted (t toget after    of ture); t no longer s, four teapots); t (ty-five in a series of teuben crystal stra because I couldo see t becick ique quilt , odd-s once tained ois, spices, and perfumes).

        I arted to iory t a letter from ted, a ually, ten    on ion notepad. "Sign 4x ; it read. And tain-pen blue ink, "enc: co tide you over until settlement."

        te o our divorce papers, aloain-pen blue ink on te. And instead of being grateful, I was .

        t pens? as tert?    in ermining o sign it    pen?

        I still remember t year mas tree. ;Ill use it only to sign important t; he had promised me.

        Remembering t,    on tting    top. I stared at tion notepad, te of te, "ten ts."

        I sat tly, trying to listen to my , to make t decision. But t kno t store coupons wher.

        My motold me     I listeo too many people. S bee this way.

        "A girl is like a young tree," s;You must stand tall and listen to your motandio you. t is to gr and straig if you bend to listen to oto t strong ion, running along til someone pulls you out and t;

        But by time sold me t oo late. I o bend. I arted going to sceac of rooms, up and do;Boys and girls, follo; And if you didnt listen to ick ten times.

        I still listeo my mot I also learned o let imes I filled my mind s—all in Englis , s she saw.

        Over to c opinions. C every case, tter.

        It er t I discovered too many c o get fused and pick ts    about my situatioo t, so muco decide. Eac a turn in anotion.

        ted rying to trick me, to get me to admit t I    I    fig,    later say t tlement. t a little seal and imagined, only for a moment, t    meten truly loved me; elling me in    to il I realized t ten to    I o him.

        I t about putting ao torture and signing t about to take t of the house.

        I t to myself, I love t opens into a foyer filled ained-glass    in t room, ty from t parlor. ted ed. o ing every leaf as if s to certain planter boxes. tulips could not be mixed ting of aloe vera t Lena gave me did not belong anyws.

        I looked out turned bro, ttuce goo seed. Runner one    er boxes. t.

        And seeing tten dition reminded me of sometune cookie: ops paying attention to ts.    time ted pru time ed Snail B-Gone around the flower beds?

        I quickly o ticides and    left in ttle, tion date, anyt tle down. I g me and laughing.

        I    ba time to call a la as I started to dial, I became fused. I put t could I say?    did I    from divorce—w I ed from marriage?

        t m, I ill t my marriage: fifteen years of living in teds s, uo make t decisions.

        I stayed in bed for tting up only to go to to    up anot mostly I slept. I took ted    be. And for t time I    recall, I o a dark space ion. I ime I ook anot back to this place.

        But on tmare. In t see Old Mr. C o to finding me. I o keep from screaming, but t louder and louder until I burst awake.

        It    must op. I picked it up.

        "No you are up, I am bringing you leftover dis; said my mot tains closed tight.

        "Ma, I t…" I said. "I t see you no;

        "too busy for mot;

        "I ment…rist."

        S for a ; s; talk to your ;

        "Ma," I said, feeling drained. "Please. Dont tell me to save my marriage anymore. Its    is."

        "I am not telling you to save your marriage," sested. "I only say you s;

        s receptionist. I ment t m, as    to resc my schedule and call back.

        And five minutes later the ph again.

        "; It ed.

        I began to s;Out," I said.

        "Ive been trying to reac to c;

        And I k of any    for me, but because s impatient and irrational about people w.

        "You knos been t; ation.

        "t;

        "You    casured to be nice about t someoo officially serve t;

        "You ?"

        And t missing a beat, o say hings I had imagined.

        ed turned, signed. ed ted to be over as soon as possible. Because ed to get married again, to someone else.

        Before I could stop myself, I gasped. "You mean you ; I    started to cry.

        And t time in monter being in limbo all t time, everytopped. All tions: goy feeling—and I felt free, wild. From high inside my head I could hear someone laughing.

        "s so funny?" said ted angrily.

        "Sorry," I said. "Its just t…" and I rying o stifle my giggles, but one of t, weds silence made me laugh even harder.

        I ill gasping o begin again in a more even voice: "Listen, ted, sorry…I t to e over after ; I didnt kno I felt rig.

        "to talk about, Rose."

        "I kno; I said in a voice so calm it surprised even me. "I just    to s    your papers. Believe me."

        I    knoo er. I kne I ed ted to see me one more time before the divorce.

        I ended up sime e-afternoon summer fog    of my ed    as o the garden.

        " a mess," I ter t to s leg loose of a blackberry vi o ting    ake to get to order.

        "I like it t; I said, patting tops of ros, t to be born. And ted in and out of tio. Oto climbing up to to pull t ohe whole building down.

        ted ossing to t;; he finally said.

        I o uffed t of . aken for kindness and prote. "You dont o move ; ;I kno at least a monto find a place."

        "Ive already found a place," I said quickly, because rigo live.    moment—until I said, ";

        "s t?" ill up, but nohere was no smile.

        "I said Im staying ; I announced again.

        "; , squinted     any moment. t expression of o terrify me into stammers.

        No not;I say Im staying, and my laoo, once ; I said.

        ted pulled out tared at till till blank. " do you tly ; he said.

        And t ant above everyt;You t just pull me out of your life and t;

        I saed:    strong.

        t nig I rees and bus. And tted Old Mr. ce, ts ser boxes.

        "t; cried my mot me and o my mot sending a baby.

        "See," s;I    pla;

        And belo over tion.

        it ood     Up

        Best Quality

        Jing-Mei oo

        Five monter a crab dinner celebrating C;lifes importance," a jade pendant on a gold c    a piece of je ttle finger, a mottled green and ricately carved. to me, t looked oe, too green, too garise. I stuffed t about it.

        But t my lifes importance. I    means, because my moty-sixto tell me about lifes importao and my grief.

        I no pendant every day. I tails, itil after ted out to me, alo Cie Lindo, Auntie An-mei, or ot I also knoell me a meaning t is different from ended.    if tell me to te and t my motility and posterity?    if my mot to give me purity and y? Or ten-ts from tain, giving me my lifes dire and a tality?

        And because I t time, I alice ots—not t regular medallions or te ones    ones like mine, a ts as to t ant, so secret    even knoo. Last ender ;

        "My mot to me," he said.

        I asked ion t only one Cwo ese people are already like family.

        "S to me after I got divorced. I guess my motelling me Im still ;

        And I k really meant.

        At last years Cra. S to Street in Co,    floor of a six-unit building ter for a small ad agency, so times a er o insist t I stay for dinner.

        t year, C off o yone, but sill al s behind.

        Every time I    o Co ot;; ss and perfect black ;tonese, village people," sted caps, bent over in layers of padded tops and mes. And my motblue polyester pants, a red ser, and a c—s look like anybody else. S t started in K sout to So    departed for San Frany mot dires.

        And no    tuck," s tenants o evict text t relatives from Co live t to get arou trol. t budge until sives. And after t I o listen to    every ed on her.

        My mot too many bags in t;e extra."

        And t artist type ed tment in terrible red and green colors. "A; moaned my mot;And take batimes every day. Running ter, running, running, running, op!"

        "Last ; s eacep, "t; So all Caucasians as ;t poison in a fis cat."

        " cat?" I asked, even tly . I    cat many times. It om ripes side sill of my motd on iptoes and bang tco scare t a and o s.

        "t cat alo put a stink on my door," plained my mother.

        I once sa of boiling er. I empted to ask if s poison in a fis I o take sides against my mother.

        "So    cat?" I asked.

        "t cat gone! Disappear!" S before t;And t man,    and call me    Fukien landlady. I not from Fukien. ; sisfied s him in his place.

        On Sto Street, o anot crabs.

        "Do a dead one," ;Even a beggar    eat a dead one."

        I poked to see y ted it out and into a plastic sack. I lifted one crab to find one of its legs o by anotug-of- a limb.

        "Put it back," w;A missing leg is a bad sign on C;

        But a man in a o us. arted talking loudly to my motonese, and my motonese so poorly it sounded just like alking loudly back, pointing to ts missing leg. And after more s crab and its leg    into our sack.

        "Doesnt matter," said my mot;tra one."

        Back o a sinkful of cold er. S out o a seers and ese fragrances.

        ted t of tove. Sacked tileveled steamer t sat over tove, put a lid on top, and lit t bear to to the dining room.

        , I    , and jumped back every time its claermi to a great uanding er. But before I could even decide o name my ne, my mot into a pot of cold er and placed it on tall stove. I cer ed up and t began to clatter rying to tap    of    soup. to t crab screaming as    one brig over t. It must    crabs ry to vince myself t t o knoh.

        For our Neion, my moted ime friends Lindo and tin Jong. it even asking, my mot meant including t,    er, averly, o see if ax attor Price ater Ser from a previous marriage, ed to knos    case s bored. My moto invite Mr. Ceacill lived t our old apartment.

        Including my mot made eleven people. But my moted only ten, because to    a c t, at least not as far as crabs    averly mig the same way.

        ter of steaming crabs    and s crab, test, t, and put it on ers plate. And t best for Ric, from    ural t o pick t-best ones for    looked t to Old d deserved t kind of respect, and t left tter: a large crab orn-off leg.

        My motter in front of me. "take it, already cold," said my mother.

        I    too fond of crab, every since I sa I kne refuse. ts t t ern s of steamed dumplings, ducks gizzards, and crab.

        I t I    taking t my mot;No! No! Big one, you eat it. I ot finis;

        I remember t out, scraping out tidbits icks—and my mot plate. I iced ting up to go to t urned,    t h more bowls of soy sauce, ginger, and scallions.

        And tomacarted talking at once.

        "Suyuan!" called Auntie Lindo to my mot; color?" Auntie Lindo gestured o my moter.

        "oo young!" she scolded.

        My moted as t. "Emporium Cap; s;een dollar. C it myself."

        Auntie Lindo nodded ed o C;

        "Crab isnt C; said averly in    y-five years ago,    same voice, "You arent a genius like me."

        Auntie Lindo looked at er ion. " is C is not d turo Ricy, " eating t part?"

        And I sa y, se: reddiss e freckles. ie Lindo demonstrated tecito t: "You o dig in    t. t tastiest, you try."

        averly and Ric eaced in disgust. I    and Lisa ; and too.

        Uin started laugo o let us knoimes: "I tell my daug; tio ; you get it? Look w ell o, marry Ric;

        "ting married?" asked Vi.

        "I s; said averly. Lisa looked embarrassed ion.

        "Mom, I dont like crab!" whined Shoshana.

        "Nice ," averly said to me from across table.

        "t job."

        "You mean you still go to t guy o?" averly asked, arc;Arent you afraid?"

        I could se I said it any; do you mean, afraid? ;

        "I mean, ; averly said. "ting your ting a living tissue. Maybe Im being paranoid, being a mot you just t be too safe t;

        And I sat ted h disease.

        "You s; said averly. "Mr. Rory. o."

        I felt like screaming. Ss. Every time I asked    of tax questions, for example, surn tion around and make it seem as if I oo co pay for her legal advice.

        S;I really dont like to talk about important tax matters except in my office. I mean, , and its    give me tion. Id feel terrible. And you oo,    you?"

        At t crab dinner, I    ed to embarrass o reveal in front of everybody ty so front    t pages of brocs tax services. ty days late in paying my invoice.

        "Maybe I could afford Mr. Rorys prices if someones firm paid me on time," I said easing grin. And I o see averlys rea. Sered, speechless.

        I could rubbing it in: "I ts pretty ironic t a big ating firm t even pay its oime. I mean, really, averly, ;

        .

        "ing!" said my fatill cricycles and crayon colors.

        "ts rig    to talk about t; said averly quietly.

        "So s are going to do?" said Vi, trying to be funny. Nobody laughed.

        I    about to let ime. "ell, every time I call you on t talk about it t; I said.

        averly looked at Ried bae and sighed.

        "Listen, June, I dont knoell you t stuff you e,    able."

        "Youre lying. You said it ."

        averly sig;I kno    to    your feelings. I rying to see if    some it    ;

        And just like t, I arting to flail, tossed    o deep er, droe. "Most copy needs fiuning," I said. "Its…normal not to be perfect t time. I ster."

        "June, I really dont t;

        "Rees are free. Im just as ed about making it perfect as you are."

        averly acted as if s even ;Im trying to vio at least pay you for some of your time. I kno a lot of o it…I o least t for even suggesting you do it."

        "Just tell me    c , line by line."

        "June—I t," averly said y. "Its just not…sopicated. Im sure e for your ots is    …our style." Souco , as if so yle.

        ted ;I mean, really, June." And tarted speaking in a deep television-announcer voice: "ts, to buy…Satisfa guaranteed…for todays and tomorroax needs…"

        S everybody t it ters ;true, ot teacyle. Ju sopicate like you. Must be born t;

        I    myself, ed I felt. I smarted by averly once again, and norayed by my o. I tried to find someto trate on, and I remember pig up my plate, and table, and seeing so sears tes,    I    her five years ago.

        table tered    cigarettes and put a crab sray. So tes out otally deaf over tc;Bravo! Bravo!" And except fe ss, nobody said a    to ted e es sliced into    ts of    cleared , tted Lisas hand.

        It ie Lindain. You make oo fast first time. Of course s get it rig;

        I could ing an e slice. S sound as if sing crisp apples instead. t eeth.

        "Good oake time," tinued Auntie Lindo, nodding    h herself.

        "Put in lotta a," advised Uin. "Lotta a, boy, ts    rig;

        "Probably not," I said, and smiled before carryio the sink.

        t , in tc I realized I ter ter. I , "e    provide t." to "ts, to Buy." t -1 multiplexers, protocol verters, and t    somet.

        I turned oo    averly. I felt tired and fooliso escape someone co look behere.

        I picked up my mote, to tc tart of touced t    like crab in t place. I couldnt tell .

        After everybody left, my motg dis er on for more tea and sat do tcable. I ed for o cise me.

        "Good dinner, Ma," I said politely.

        "Not so good," s oothpick.

        " o your crab?    a;

        "Not so good," s;t crab die. Even a beggar dont    it."

        "ell? I didnt smell anyt;

        " tell even before cook!" Sanding no tco t. "I s crab before cook. ;

        " if you kne ;

        "I t…maybe only just die. Maybe taste not too bad. But I    smell, dead taste, not firm."

        " if someone else    crab?"

        My mot me and smiled. "Only you pick t crab. Nobody else take it. I already k quality. You t."

        S in a    didnt make any se sounded bot time.

        I ting a of tes and t;Ma,    you? If you didnt like told me. I could tern."

        "Of course, I like," sated. "Sometime I t to save it. t I save it."

        And t no off,    in    t my fingers around it.

        "No, Ma," I protested. "I t take t;

        "Nala, nala"—take it, take it—sinued in C;For a long time, I ed to give you t it on your skin, tance."

        I looked at t    green jade. I ed to give it back. I didnt    to accept it. A I also felt as if I .

        "Yiving to me only because of w onig; I finally said.

        " ;

        " averly said.    everybody said."

        "tss! en to    to follo;Al;

        I put t felt cool.

        "Not so good, t; ster-of-factly, toud t;t is a very lig if you    every day it ;

        My fat eaten co cook ofu. Ive decided to make o tell me    tore t and    Im making tly because I knoo cook it. I like t: ginger, scallions, and a red c tickles my e I open the jar.

        Above me, I o a er running in my sink do a trickle. One of tenants upstairs must be taking a s;Even you dont    tuck." And now I know w s.

        As I riofu in tartled by a dark mass t appears suddenly at ts tomcat from upstairs.    the window.

        My mot kill t damn cat after all, and Im relieved. And t rubbing more vigorously on tarts to raise ail.

        "Get a; I s, and slap my imes. But t just narroens    me.

        Ameri translation     Up

        Queen Motern Skies

        "O! ;—You bad little teasing er. "Is Buddeaco laug; As tile, t a deep wisirring in .

        "Even if I could live forever," so t;I still dont knooo laughed for no reason.

        "But later I to protect myself. And tauger, your moto s be    as well.

        " not because I oo? If I see someone    smelled t;

        tening to s.

        "O! O! You say you are laugern Skies, noo give me tening….

        "ttle Queen. t teacer to lose your innoce but not your o laug;
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