Years agine and I botervieernoon issues, and aftercases. Unfortuerviereet polls. e ed to stand outside st stores, and gover offices and survey people about tax polid tV guides. o do t, and so    our separate ways.

        Are you hese days? I ask.

        Im taking a course to be a death panion, says Regine.

        Oo suppress a laugh.

        Its a serious matter, says Regine.

        Id like to ask    teat dare.

        Is it going ead.

        Retly ted to se for t time to apany a    s me aer half an hour.

        Nohers eyes.

        S you o take her away, I say.

        I did t way.

        After all, someone ws everybody whos going on living, I say.

        You talk, says Regine, as if youd already died once.

        Of course I imes,    you?

        e laug knoands my last remark. S her hand and says goodbye.

        Give me a call, sing.

        I dont need a deat to call out after    at t moment I ongue.

        A little later it occurs to me t Regine and I actually died ooget I ervieions and long distaravel, tervie ed food and ready-made dinners. After t ely exed and lay dole of il our eyelids started to droop.    te t to me, studying orso. Surned quiet and sad, but it took me a co look at s. ts all Ive been doing time, is ly you    paying enougtention, s are you getting at? I asked. Didnt you notice t my nipples arent doing ine erludes t, y. No to to iced t didnt t meant anyt da Regine    so far as to say s take    t point    fell silent and together as a couple.

        Inside my apartment I open tcV. I catc blue-footed boobies in te-feat. t on ter is    and riove takeoff. ted boobies appeal to me; at t Id like to be one myself. I    mind being called a booby on tV, eited booby Id finally o do e bodies make me ts little    could also be t running intine is to blame for my sudden desire for a urn off tV. A button pops off my s and rolls a til it flips over and stops moving. tme door calling eac be more or less like t made Lisa sick. Id like to call Lisa and ask    I    like for Reo pick up and for me to o talk    move, listening to assed    door. Among ted loafers made of genuine kidskin. tastic. Its a little after 3 p.m. Presumably Margot doesnt omers noing a bo . I leave tment and ots. So see me again so soon. I follos t fits    it rikes you as a mouter a s    in    called a stone? If Im not mistaken o call it a stone, but tarted calling it a pit more and more often. Or    too pit, ive tely o do t? t in a tissue. I o tur, but because I    to see    (stone), I act a little like Im just loafing and looking around. O    oss t (stone) onto treet or into some garden. Sass left in iny purse, te. Im only a feeps as. I t ement—a silent tc as salon, all tubes are lit. I see t steps     supposed to o t, so    notice me. In one fell ss clear I t go see Margot nooo. I probably    ever be able to again. I t tell . Quietly and fruitlessly I rail against tiveness of life. One er later it occurs to me t    tiveness I radi leads me to a momentary insigo tuff of my insanity. If you go crazy someday, I t    youve finally been cut by tantly opening and closing s iste—ation! Unfortunately I get jealous, rigreet. At time I feel sorry for    t days. For a ain. Under no circumstances is o see me. And I o talk    let    Im brooding over . t t doated for a bit. But    rest and doesnt mull: ts, not s look as if o    pocket and takes out a feract te kernels. Regrettably, I ask myself if Margot is a ution. But to tell trut    to t problems at all. Ive already dooo often in my life, I feel too old for it nora. Id like to at least    and look up at tree and observe t among t t isnt readily available, so I o tent myself reets. Under no circumstances may I let t to t ell    . For time being I try to split myself into to a sober rambler ive dreamer    to    t. t succeeds, at least for a rong smell of t must be around ly after t a cockeyed dog es up bet kno cockeyed animals eveed. trots up to me; I o more look eful to ra eful to a sceading at a streetcar stop eaco    take up so muc remark immediately predisposes me against teaco ion suc ime. Line up more eically, I mumble to myself,    are tion of misery. teacreating t    be sto people refuse to sent to life from    my sciousness starts to    by bit. No is no more ty. I admit it    see Margot again. I curse    t doesnt , did you o    me o teen years old about nurses, secretaries and    e up , I ing it, at t time I    nurses, secretaries, ry to foist to my split doppelg?nger, unfortunately    success. to groan; no one else kno of all is to got and tell    an indescribable simpleton I    sig pass t of my life or not. Im so dazed and feeble t I run into a parked car    knee. Im put off by ty? All t    to plain or admonise occupations of y-five pert of y, and my ceit s noto do    to give brief expression to my daily damnation and ts not tion; its ty I    to get rid of. Just    possible t Im longing for a    at most a imes and    Im jealous of a pograp Im m for a job t didnt keep me fed any on a single day? It seems to me I t go y. I sit do t to be like t by not disappearing, t plain, dont speak, t need anytically invincible. I feel a yearning to take off my jacket and toss it in a o t    t is tive peculiarity of all life, time. t putting any strain on me. I look at ty tangle of t are eit t orn off by c persevere undisced, and at tter t collects around ts but still doesnt diminisy starts to get tter of me, Ill e oss my jacket into to see t lying among tely clear image and still no one . Ill stroll past my jacket o marvel at    remains as invincible as te t t it gro as my surviving doppelg?nger and so free myself from pain, at least for time being. I t fully rule out ty t I mig t. s clear in any case is t if I ever really t into t reac poi. I enjoy imagining a play-craziness desigo urbed. Noend craziness so a genuine one—just for a fes—and amplify my distance from reality. Naturally Id o be able to return to t any time, as soon as topped. Presumably t people    only be end craziness and genuine craziness ly observed t people are naturally predisposed to mental illness. Im surprised so fe t t me rigively crazy. A ill a baby; ting in    do a t    grab t really open , t sime t do somet no t take in t see t ting gaze is seargely, my observation of ts me find my o reality. Only to er at a time. I y jacket and he crazy family walks away, giggling.

        My apartment is sitting t and clueless. I dont feel miserable celep pick up. I take off my jacket and cut a slice of bread. I very mucastes. I take off my glasses and rub my eyes. Just as Im about to put t of my o toile of t lens is y glasses and look at myself in ts instantly clear t I    be getting ale co teleper all. Its Susanne.

        I found a letter from you, s you e me eighteen years ago.

        Eigonelessly.

        Yes, seen years ago in August t Susanne…

        But    involved eighteen years ago, were we?

        No, says Susa least nothing happened.

        So ter say? Is it embarrassing?

        No, says Susanne, love is embarrassing for you, but not for me.

        hing.

        S to you?

        No, I say, its enougo read it later.

        Youll soon o do t, says Susanne, because I    to invite you to a little dinner party Im having for a few friends and colleagues.

        Do I knooo?

        One or them, says Susanne, for example himmelsbach.

        O old stuffed s.

        You t call , says Susanne, laugo oo. Sirement    must be a dreadful job.

        Susanne lists o o a kind of internal numbness. I e ters. I t remember.

        Do you prefer red wine or we? Asks Susanne.

        Red, I say.

        Susans time and date of times. I e t I dont    to read tter I e een years ago. Noalking about en to    making any aste of tens ty of t t I h himmelsbach.
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