tive silence.

        ell. Gos? Youre t. Id    tive opportunities.

        Ill tle trying to get    give out personal numbers. Did I do t t t give heres no avoiding him.

        Do you    to call    his number.

        Go on, then.

        o t messages. I    of    story; no sick. I o realize an important trut suicide: failure is as ful as success, and is likely to provoke even more anger, because to er it do.    I called dy first.    You fug selfis, she said.

        You dont kno from he paper.

        You seem to be t t bang t een-year-old, you reet, you    o i stuff for you.

        tually quite an acute observation. S: not once im of misrepresentation or distortion. If you t it, t    ing aspects of t fe about me, and every    rue.

        So Im presuming, s on, t t it rigop of a toention of hurling yourself off.

        And instead you came back doh a girl.

        ts about t of it.

        And    your daug yet. But someo scell t do you    me to say to talk to them.

        dy barked oed, inteo be a satirical laugh.

        tell t you , I said. tell t then he cheered up again.

        Brilliant. If    .

        I dont ks not really my problem, is it? Its somet to deal h.

        You bastard.

        And t    ping out t o let me participate in my daug me out in truck me as a restatement of t never mind. It got he phone.

        I dont kno muc    of your ed again. No to protect your kids from loss for as long as possible - tuing    t o tell ttempted suicide. t t versation in aal classes. Its ta does it, of course. I got furt smaller and smaller until t tiny dots, and I could no longer see terally or metap make out t tiny dots, so you doo    wheyre happy or sad.

        Its er a    be possible if to your eyes every day.

        Penny ill g when I called her.

        At least t makes more sense, ser a while.

        ? You leaving ty to go up t    o do hing.

        All you kne someo h someone else.

        Exactly. Stle rueful snort. S a bitc all. S-natured, self-depreg, loving… Sner. Im sorry.

        Im t I? I t amount to anyt all. I mean, t any failures. Youve been fantastie.

        oday? I    asked myself t question. Id o um. I    t about killing myself once all m.

        OK. I    be going up t yet, if ts w you mean.

        ill you talk to me before you do? About all t? Yes. About all t.

        I dont kno doesnt seem like sometalking    fix.

        O fix it. I just dont    to o read about it in the papers.

        You    do better tter than me.

        I dont    to.

        A disagree he premise.

        Ive got enoug to t t be a man somewo h, yes.

        So ry and find    stuff like t… Its sort of not ? os .

        Is it? I    .

        So    me to do? Im not sure theres much you    do.

        ill you call me later? Yes, of course.

        I could promise t much, anyway.

        Everyone - everyone apart from , obviously - ko a all: I needed    no door. ly to report on sces for a local paper and no believe te fortably - four people s and sipping coffee from Styrofoam cups doesnt stitute a media scrum. e all ehough.

        It made me feel important, and it made t tre of a story. I smiled a lot, said Good m to no one in particular, and batted one of t of th a briefcase.

        Is it true you tried to kill yourself? asked one particularly unattractive woman in a beige mac.

        I gestured at myself, in order to dratention to my superb pion.

        ell, if I did, I clearly made quite a mess of it, I said.

        Do you kno Ministers daugion.

        Ive been a friend of t s anding arose. It    a suicide pact. It y. tirely different things.

        I o enjoy myself a little. I    sorry ing, at enormous expeo replace t    as if I k of my day :    called on my mobile to invite me over for a d tly afterelepo inform me t o visit Maureen. I didnt mind. I o do.

        Before I knocked on Jesss door, I sat in tes and examined my sce. t frontation Id ly after my ill-advised and, as it turned out, illegal sexual enter een years and    days old, and, let me tell you, te a differeation , t in Gibson Square - not, needless to say, because Danielles fato a ation, but because side ing for me as I tried to sneak . It    a particularly fruitful meeting, not least because I tried to raise tal responsibility ried to    me. I still t.    een-year-old doing sn coe in ts toilets of Melons nig    a.m. on a tuesday m?

        But ty t, if I    been so forceful in t o tation and made a plaint about my relationser.

        time, I t Id try to avoid t particular line ument. I could see t t of parental responsibility ogetou    eenage girl missing, possibly dead, and ts. And anyirely clear. tact I    on    irely non-sexual reasons. In fact, t only non-sexual, but selfless. heroic, even.

        , unfortunately,    prepared to greet me as a    offered a o ary researc, apparently - I s Jesss surname and paste - Mr Cric ers appearan tabloids o do ried to point out t I o do very    of it all. Id just stood up to go when Jess appeared.

        I told you to stay upstairs.

        Yeas just t I stopped being seven a ? errified of    straig enoug to he fear behind a dry world-weariness.

        Im a politi. No one ever tells me anyt.

        s it got to do o    it together.

        Yea, you stupid old bastard.

        talks to me,    me mournfully, as if my loionso intercede on his behalf.

        Ill bet youre regretting t to go private, arent you? Im sorry? Very admirable and all, sending o t, you kno    a bit less t.

        Jesss sc circumstances, said Crie per t of Jesss year got grade C or above at GCSE, up eleven per t on the year before.

        Excellent. t must be a great solation to you. e bot Jess, whe finger.

        t is, you is, said tten t Jess felt about long    racists feel about black people: sed ted to send thy look.

        Firstly, seen. And sedly, I sat on o stop        not al, but it    least practical. Im sorry I didnt e you a full report at the evening.

        Did you sleep    your business, Dad? I    . I    going to get involved in an argument about Jesss rigo a private sex life.

        Absolutely not.

        Oi, said Jess. You dont o say it like t.

        Like hing. You should be so lucky.

        I value our friendsoo muplicate it.

        ha ha.

        Are you going to maintain a relationserms.

        I t.

        Listen, pal. I came    be. But if yoing to talk to me like t, Ill fuck off    brigtle: triking back against the Roman invader.

        Im sorry. But you knoory no doesnt make things easy for me.

        makes things easy for me, said Jess.

        Its on o make an effort.

        Yea.

        So    any ideas… t problems of my own.

        Der, said Jess. e were w where.

        I appreciate t, Martin. raio use first names s, to s e. I    you. I    see youve made some, some urns in your life… Jess snorted.

        But I dont think youre a bad man.

        thank you.

        ere in a gang, said Jess. Arent in? e are, Jess, I said,    I husiasm. ere friends for ever.

        sort of gang? said Cri.

        ere going to c for ea? e are, Jess. If my o cra and out of my mouto wheyd e from.

        So you is after all? Im not sure its t sort of gang, I said.    "tis gang"… Doesnt sououg?    are o do? Beat up terfamiliases? You fug s up and you fug s up, Jess said, to Cricively.

        My point is, said Cric yoing to be around.

        hes promised, Jess said.

        And Im supposed to feel reassured by t.

        You    feel    Im not reassuring anyone about anything.

        You and? Sort of, said Jess.

        I doo spell out    Jess, and    o kno t looking out for her.

        Jess sniggered unhelpfully.

        I kno be… Youre ly… Some of tabloids would...

        you sleeping een-year-olds, said Jess.

        Im not being intervie    it, and if you co give it to me, ts your lookout.

        All I    you to say is t if you see Jess getting o serious trouble, try to prevent it, or youll tell me about it.

        o, said Jess. But    broke.

        ? Because say o keep an eye on me and Id goo some club or somet let … ell ell    because you oo mean to stump up.

        I suddenly sa: a ains lo-rated cable tV station not only focuses t stimulates empation. Jess slumped lifeless in a toilet, all for ty quid… It oo gly to plate, if you plated in t spirit.

        ? Cric out a sigioo lead to t.

        I dont    anything, I said.

        Yes, you do, said Jess. Yes he does.

        cost to get into a club, ton asked.

        You    get through a hundred quid, easy, said Jess.

        A ing ourselves for t dinner for two?

        I dont doubt you    "get t; a    trying. But    o "get t; anyt    be stopping at toilet.

        So    o you.

        ts nice, after     you ers to spare.

        Jess, ts not fair.

        t door slammed some and ton and I    staring at eacher.

        I    badly,    I? I s money s every time s, or sorms out. And I    see t migtle… you knoing. Given tory.

        Ill give s, every time s, he said.

        Please go and find her.

        I left t the drive.

        Ill bet you got double ere asking for, sion Jen.

        You    believe t t in my    o Jen o do ell, from talking to t no one else sa t    it: your sister disappeared, so you    to jump off a building. But it isnt like t. Im sure it must , sort of t it    tti Bolognese, omatoes. Maybe the onions.

        Or even just t s t or ta.

        Everyos to somet in different    they?

        Some people art supproups and all t; I kn to introduce me to some fug group or anotly because t up by someone    dourn tV on and c ty years.

        Me, I just started messing around. Or ratime job,    t.

        Before I go on, Ill ansions t everyone al sos you dont sit t trating on w Im saying.

        No, I dont kno feel like, er? I    tell you. You kno trate on anyt feels like t all time, every day.

        t from: Do I kno I didnt uand t tions . And tand, I t t tion upid. Like,    Id go and look for    noand it as being a more poetic question. Cos, really, its a ing poems on a Scottisravelling tralia? So    I ttle toell people, except of course I dont kno Jen or about me.

        Oure,    us and urned out for us: dont sit around o pop up later on, to rescue me. S e back, OK? And    find out s about it. ell, dont fet about ant. But fet about t sort of ending. Its not t sort of story.

        Maureen lives oppers isotle poky streets full of old ladies and teaoeac t of bikes around - bikes and recyg bins. Its s, recyg, isnt it? I said to Martin, and    tired. And I asked ed to kno . Just like    ed to kno in a cty mood, I suppose.

        It    me and Martin in t    a lift    past . JJ probably , I ted to talk because I    probably made me say stupid tupid is ts not stupid to say France is s. Its just a bit abrupt or    of ramp up to my senteo eboard dohem.

        I    o meet Matty, and Im sort of not good s not t, because I kno an education and bus passes and t; its just t turn my stomac. Its all t o pretend t like you aalking disabled like people w one leg, say.

        t. Im talking about t rigop, and s, and make funny faces. heyre like you and me?

        OK, I s and make funny faces, but I kno of time I do, anying, is the place.

        to be fair to tys pretty quiet.    of so disabled t its OK, if you knos t of vies probably better, alt from s probably not muc    of vie os got to be mi ts,    it? e tall, and    cus uffed up beo stop .    look at you or anyt get too freaked out. You fet er a    I would. Fug hough.

        Poor old Maureen. Ill tell you, you     roof. No way.

        JJ     no one looked like eaded to be pleased to see eacea, and Martin and JJ asked e questions about Matty. I just looked around a bit, because I didnt    to listen. Sidied up, like so. t not from telly and to sit on. It , I got t s and taken t make out marks on t tin o stop looking around and start joining in. e o make.

        JJI didnt    to go to Maureens pla and Jess because I ime to tervies in t, but t guys otally psyc t tional lady… Man, I didnt kno t t my address in ty-four , t couldnt t ain, just in case one day any of t migeresting.

        Anyally paranoid. If sed to, s about tes. And t a    t I    dying of anyt to myself. Plus, s t t dying of ent.

        In ot enougo trouble. I took a bus up to Maureens, and on to e , tell t everyt like it, fuck em. But I didnt    t it in the papers.

        It took us a    used to ttys breat took a lot of effort. e rying to figure out    roof.

        Jess, said Martin. You ed us to meet.    you call us to order? OK, s. e are gatoday...

        Martin laughed.

        Fug ence. s funny about t? Martin shook his head.

        No, e on. If Im so fug funny, I    to know why.

        Its pers something more usually said in church.

        there was a long pause.

        Yea. t er.

        in asked.

        Maureen, you go to c you? Jess said.

        I used to, said Maureen.

        Yearying to make Maureen feel fortable.

        Very tful of you.

        o fuck up everytin. I    almost smell the inse.

        Rigart it off then, you fug...

        ts enoug of my son.

        Martin and I looked at eac it o point out the obvious anyway.

        In front of your son? But hes...

        I    got CCR, I said. It    needed saying, but I eo give myself a little more preparation time.

        ting for to dump on me.

        Os fantastic! It took me a mio realize t in t only found a cure for CCR during tmas    delivered it to my front door in time between New Years Eve and January nd.

        Im not sure ts quite in.

        No, I said. t.

        No! Bastards.

        ors. At Maureens hem. Supposing youd jumped?

        And t it    really o be this hard?

        Im not sure e saying t, eitin.

        No, I said. Ill try and be as clear as possible: t no suc dying of it. I made it up, cos… I dont knoly cos I ed your sympatly because I didnt tand h me. Im sorry.

        You tosser, said Jess.

        ts awful, said Maureen.

        You arsehole, said Jess.

        Martin smiled. telling people you    is probably rigeen-year-old, so . Plus, itled to a little moral superiority, because    t ed: o top of toppers    o over, but, you kno about offing myself first and terwards. Id bee an even bigger asshole sinew Years Eve, which was kind of depressing.

        So w? Jess asked.

        Yes, said Martin.    tempting to simplify? It just… I dont knin and to Matty.

        asnt straig s.

        Yea… No offense, but you so. Didnt really matter w you said.

        So    kno.

        Oand depression, said Martin. ere all depressed.

        Yea mine seemed too… too fug vague. Sorry, Maureen.

        curse?    possible? t o put a fuck. Ill tell you ers. If t    into towers.

        , if youre a    so admirable. Maybe t zombies.

        try us out, said Martin. ere uanding people.

        OK. So t version is, all I ever ed to do was be in a roroll band.

        Roroll? Like Bill s? said Martin.

        No, man. ts not… Like, I dont knoones. Or… t roroll, said Jess. Are theyre rock.

        OK, OK, all I ed to do ones, or, or… Crusty music, said Jess. S being rude. S clarifying my terms.
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