It    like I ed to, you knoe embrad voo let it go until it let go of me. In a    makes t better. Once you stop pretending t everytty and you t    to get out of it, elling myself for a s more painful, not less. telling yourself life is s is like aid aking tell    s, and    like t kind of pain does     anyone a w of good.

        And it e t I    t I realized, because it    t any more, so I o put all t. I didnt knoo do    knoo do    t just like life?

        I never said anyt finis going to be a rock star, said Lizzie after a    you? I s kno. Not on tory o any kind of misuanding, deliberate or otherwise. So far as I was ed, she was dumping me because I was a musical loser.

        Sain. And Ill listen real ime.

        Its not going to make any differenoo admit to standing still, oing backwards.

        OK.    I said    be    a musi.

        It    suco you at time. You dont even like music t much.

        Youre not s not just w you did.

        Its o be a successful musi. I dont even kno    t I could see youd be no use to anyone if you stopped. And look er youre standing on top of a touck . And    it youre dead. Or you might as well be.

        So… OK. Noto do h being unsuccessful.

        God, ake me for? But I    talking about alking about me. I never looked at it t    t my failure, but t    it. And at t moment I felt like g my fug    out, really. I felt like g because I kruts you like t. I felt like g because I o make music again, and Id missed it so muc like g because I kne making musiake me successful, so Lizzie    ned me to anoty-five years of poverty, rootlessness, despair, no er motels and bad s just t Id be eating t flipping them.

        I    t forty-eigains dratiques as I could find. During ty-eig I urning into Marie Prevost, tress er ate of disrepair, due to ially eaten by    I ic pet, I    remember being a source of some solation in tainly die alone, and my corpse ainly be in a state of advanced decay by time anyone found me, but I e, apart from ts t ural causes. So t .

        ed in my y is located. (dy and ot boty and troubles ed belo, but .) I unities in life, and I astropo me - to me and my    time. Aool I    my disposal to correct trous course my life seemed to be taking    o fuck up in t place.    ce did I have?

        A couple of er Jesss Jerry Springer ses Id made during t t    be true to say t Id been so drunk Id fotten Id ever made t in plai nigo read t pelled to draains and reache Glenmie once again.

        t of to analyse, o me, ernoon, and to list all possible respoo t beo give my s due - to be fair to ts pundits     least capable nizing t t just    capable of     doing very muc it. Are all    just mine?

        Anyly bills, ty of O NURSE? I ten. And th: ) ARSEhOLE? hIM? ME?

        ) tING ON PENNY?

        ) GOOD-LOOKING AND YOUNG-PISSED ME OFF?

        ) ANNOYED BY PEOPLE.

        t explanation, ly precise , noartlingly did in its vagueness.

        On anotION (and please note, by tco letters, a sc to indicate tifiature of the work): a) KILL MYSELF?

        b) ASK MAUREEN NOt tO USE t NURSE ANY MORE c) DONt And C stopped to a stupor at t point, or because Dont ion to all my problems. t it: ter t,    and never had.

        ion.

        I could see t tten by tly ed to tell a select group of people - a group t included ers - t all male nurses e and self-rig    dedu. And similarly, t some of Nerying to    oly t of man    doo Do list. If t, I would han Carl Lewis.

        Quite clearly, I er t. One    because t cereal I prefer, and so on; to observe and interpret t, in television . Asking to explain its oless as dilling your oelepelep an engaged signal. Or your own answer message, if you    kind of pem.

        It took me an embarrassing amount of time to realize t ot any one of tter job of explaining    ed ion of friends. I seemed to    all mine around time I    to prison, but I kney of people ell me    of me. In fact, it seemed t my propensity for letting people doing tually serve me in good stead    try to t on t because I    to me h barrels.

        I k, too. Indeed, so successful    p I didnt really o speak to anyone else. My ex- - direct, articulate and clear-sigually ended up feeling sorry for people living    living o go.    even any pleasao ries, and unpleasantries are an essential part of the learning process.

        home. Drunk.

        eo your messages? No.    left you a fes about ternoon.

        As exactly ed to talk about.    do you t ? ell, youre unbalanced, arent you? Unbalanced and poisonous. An unbalanced, poisonous tosser.

        tart, I felt, but it lacked focus.

        Listen, I appreciate     to appear rude, but tosser part I find less iing t.

        Could you talk more about t? Maybe you so do this, said dy.

        You mean a t? Sed. A t? No, I    t ? I t about t    to dismiss anyt of hand.

        I dont ts never appealed before.

        I aphorically.

        Im sorry. I dont really uand.

        You clearly feel so a yourself t you dont mind being abused. Isnt t to… Never mind.

        I o perceive    rue t being called names felt good. Or rat felt appropriate.

        You kno puy, dont you? No! You see, ts precisely why I called you.

        If dy opping rigemptation would oo much for her.

        Luckily, termio go all the way.

        I mean, een years youer-looking. But it    t.    afternoon th yours.

        Yes! Yes! You ponce around on television and screed to c     of going from Fraeins moo Brad Pitt.

        ts great.

        Dont you dare put t started. Ive got tuff.

        O ts plenty to be going on h.

        You see? Ex- one.

        MAUREEN    I feel a bit daft explaining ervention day, because it all sounds like too muc I t probably only sounds like a e. I kno Im learning to feel t of t to say and    to say in case you make people feel badly for you. So if I say t not t    to make it sound as t    ime in a very quiet room and someone es up beime    people, and you see a six-foot-tall poli, . And if noto be peculiar, almost like an Act of God. tretc of shape.

        ep Matty    about squas ead even t seemed like sometold Matty about t, if    been t of course if    been to tell. I    ep axi.

        Id    I mean about something?

        Oled, Stepo Sean,    anyone else yet? And Sean said, No, and I dont to be able to. And Steps just t slaug s looking out of ttle alking about.

        And t quizzes, Maureen? Fancy joining our     team? It doesnt matter if you dont knoe.

        Nos not t amazing story youve ever ?

        I listen to Jess and JJ and Martin, and t sort of to time. t someone in a lift or a bar, and t someone says, ould you like a drink?, or even, ould you like intercourse? Aercourse, so it could seem to t being offered intercourse, just , is t amazing ce. But my impression is t t s just life. One person bumps into anot person s somets somet, things happen.

        Or, to put it anot go out, and never meet a? But for a moment, I could alk. Id ed to take part in a quiz, and team, and I felt a shiver go down my spine.

        So instead of going ook Matty to te ep    t told t Matty aying turned a o meet in t o get ged.

        I dont knoory to tell you about . t kno it ion, or later on, after Ive told you about te t, pus, you mig care ill t decide ting somet is never a ce. If you    a c a t be a ce,    it? And by token, if you    a job and you get a job, t t be a ce eital if you t all. So Ill tell you eam    off Archway, and he offered me a job.

        Its not muc doesnt pay very ion at first. But ting on a bit, and s to go back to bed at nine, after ed t    Steped to join team - as a joke, out of desperation. IV round and t round,    I did, and I told    do anyt from look after Matty, and t    a job, do you? And a s back up my spine.

        e didnt    of eleven teams, but te pleased . And I k kno tyler Moores boss , for example. I kne Jo Catten about tilly trotter and Mary Ann Ss t , rig be    a girlfriend. I told t reliable person to meet.

        A couple of mont a girl    of course it turned out     broter all, and old    because    turned out t    poor. op of t, t t tche life of her dog.

        It    as good as Im making it sound, to tell you trut    soppy. But t Im trying to make is t Im arting to sound like t book, eam. And if Im starting to sound like t to you, to point out things.

        Firstly Id like to point out t getting care for Matty costs more t even as ory t ends    as    really a fairy-story, is it? Sedly Id like to point out t team urn up sometimes, so I    be in every week.

        I ter lemons in t eve me buy a round; to be paid for.

        Maybe it    left me feeling so positive, but at t    be ing to t for a    I could cope for o o t for as long as possible. Its going all right so far.

        ter t back to t been to any c been to mine for    t I could go bao tting topped despairing, … ell, its not my busio t it. It    Friday m, and talian woman where were a couple of Afri ladies Id never seen before.

        t to t it old trut     fession, and I fessed to teen Decades of t seemed on teep side, even for t I    plain.

        Sometimes you    fet t God is infinite in    e if Id jumped, mind you, but I .

        And t remember t youre part of a unity    the church, Maureen.

        And I said, t I    tell    sort of unity to, t tell    they were all despairing sinners.

        Do you remember Psalm ? Call upon Me in trouble; I o toppers rouble seemed to ed too long, and s    me Martin and JJ and Jess, and t me Step me Jad ts. In oto me t ening.

        ing    evidence? So Id better glorify    I .

        So t     some stage, but old me    use it any more, because    agree opped you from being o be, and oo me, I could sort of see ony, or Joanna. ell, you ony or Joanerday, and youll be tony or Joanna tomorroo say ts so typical of Joanna. But t people all in one day. old me to call ever came into my    first    for a drink in a pub and    tside. So ely different personalities in t    toget of opposite types, arent t from bloke    image from bloke in pub. And you t say, Os so typical of Nodog     to let    in someones garden. It    make sense, ?    ss in someones garden, or any dog at all, e to t? And    is, dad ty deep, but if you t it    makes sense.

        And in t same day tle park doray, because asted like one, and Floe of Asoo. You see     mucter tern    it. I only called er t, and it y, so t one .    y, I mean it y to you out of text sort of ts only really dirty if you dont respect t in my opinion y, not us.

        So tually, I    see one advao tern    if someoo call t you? Its only one small advantage, and tages, including t one of all,    and dont alloo express ourselves as urn us into o as Im talking about     one name. Nodog s more unusual, and youll kno, and its better t talking about a fug dog, w.

        So Nodog took me back to er    to be ,    of bloke    I obviously met    a good time. It    a normal sort of a place, tation. It    a verted s    a s didnt sell anyt used to be like an old-fasers, and t covered . Nodogs dog    t o once upon a time. Sually quite fortable, if you    put up    of disfort. You    put your clot your telly up oress on toilets, and er, alt hs or showers.

        traigo get it out of t    any good, but     it    I mean, because s didnt really s didnt really     of an effort. Anyime around, Nodogs bits oo, and it o do it again. People go on about t time being important, but its time t really matters. Or the sed person, anyway.

        Look at    time, all cut up and sobbing and obsessed. See, if Id been like t a sed time, Id o    I really didnt care if I sa, so ts got to be progress, rigs muco get on in life.

        After le blad-V on, and ress cever, and tarted to talk, and I ended up telling    Jen, and toppers    surprised, or sympatic, or anyt.    nodded, and trying to top myself. And I    be muc it, and , ts not t?

        And I    it? And    to like stantly offer yourself up to to do ed you, ted you, you didnt. So    on Ne made perfect seo me. Because whey were like being guided by invisible forces?

        And told me t people o t all, and t t to live, and    o bomb tries if tell us to, and if t Fat Mic o listen to t say, No s.

        And everytrue t it sort of made me regret t fein o me, sort of, you    really describe them as brainy, would you?

        Its not like t t it is t    t Nodog, because I    ervention, and to    of.

        And I suppose ts talking, too, if you t it.

        ed to speak to me. And at first I    tea, and sat me do tcable, and t sed to apologize to me about t s, ared at     ed out somet ually blindingly obvious, if you t about it. te earrings, and if t couldnt be a ce. And at first I couldnt see    made, because Jen still    around. But    made to    made    care o be o me.

        And I eful to Nodog taug alloo see t seeing t kno for example t prove t to live, s could work for op ch.

        And noeaco accept it, and not tell    upid or pointless.

        to ask, s, s who.

        May I ask    your name? I asked Paade ance.

        me, baffled, alt out t just about any question baffled Pao. oot, so elligence icularly unfortunate. If anyone ever ion of c ao.

        e from?     t names came from anywo    as well oes came from.

        tor called Pao.

        me.

        Is t heard of him? Nope.

        So you dont ter him? Dunno.

        You never asked? Nope. I dont ask about no ones name.

        Right.

        in? Yeah.

        e from? Yeah.

        I gaped at . I    a loss. Apart from t it s, just as Pao ion migold    mine iculate w.

        See? Its a ion. Dont mean Im t because I t ans.

        No. Of course not.

        Otoo.

        t a possibility t I felt I could rule out altogeto feel ts of reasons.

        Pao o do so after my versation er seeing a small advertisement in t stop on to. Its a long road, I accept t, but I    Paigioned a little furt. If    self-respect is in, say, Sydney, and Id begun t ube station, t Pao iougo see t    going to get me all t volunteering to sit doupid and unattractive ced several t session, umbled over even t     y-odd tube stops before I even got to bloody hrow.

        e begao read about football, t story of eam-mates sexism to bee tain of team. to be fair to Pao, once ably ptuous.

        So score tc? .

        I fear t mighe case, yes.

        But s one leg.

        Indeed.

        Plus shes a girl.

        She is, yes.

        s? You may well ask.

        Im asking.

        You    to kno to go up tes and laug team.

        Im not sure its a real school.

        So its not even a true story? No.

        Im not fug bothen.

        Good. Go and g else.

        o t could find not migerest him.

        are you ied in, actually? Nuffink, really.

        Not all? I quite like fruit. My mum says Im a c-eater.

        Rig gives us someto work on.

        ty-five minutes of our hour remaining.

        So    to live a little longer? And    to learn. And    t of celligent, but disadvantaged by ance, someoion a o bee some kind of ed my o make ture addicted to ure studying Englis Oxford. t    of kid I ed, and ierest ing fruit. I meaional symbol for ts toilets, and    o tell    elevision.

        Per , t. Per value, you liked yourself more tably helping people.

        Perter taunt    time I s a currency     like any ot all in an evening if you so cy-odd years o save up again. I reed t Pao    ten pence a    own.

        t sentenoo rebuild yourself, piece by piece, ru book, and no clue as to    bits are supposed to go.

        JJ    Lizzie and Ed bougar and a reet; and o buy me a plaicket home.

        I t go , man.

        I o say goodbye, but tube journey    alking about someto buy from tall.

        t a band together.

        I got one here.

        he guys.

        You ts    in Starbucks? I been in a band s before.

        erent ever no perverts in my band.

        about Dollar Bill? Dollar Bill    bass-player.    of us, and    ors son.

        At least Dollar Bill could fug play.     your buddies do?     Its not t kind of band.

        Its no kind of band. So,    to    il t until everyones OK.

        Until everyones OK? t girl is derater off    s the only happy ending for you.

        about you?    t to do s your o be?    are you talking about? I    to kno of tion. tell me in and Maureen and Jess are all fucked, but you… You got a job V.

        ? Im going where Im going.

        Yeaell me w is.

        Fuan.

        Im just trying to make a point.

        Yea it. I got as good a s at a happy ending as your friends.

        t until I get    myself? Or you    me to do it    mean t.

        But I did, I guess.    yourself in t place, t up on t t. tty mucouce. Im n to say ts , or some bulls like t. Im not telling you t suicidal people arent so far aelling you t people    so far a as f as I do.

        e o ty days, and I guess Martins suicidologist guy khings had ged.

        t c cically, and maybe hem ge.

        And in my case any even cter. I could ly say t my circumstances and prospects hey had been on New Years Eve.

        You really going t to t.

        t? I dont know. Life.

        I dont see w.

        Really? S, man. You must be t. I mean, and if you jumped. Seriously. No one    a e.    all ahrowing away?

        Not all. te involved.

        thanks, man.

        Youre    tell it like I see it.

        talking to eacalked to eayts gone    just sounded a little meaelli broken my    preferred elling    t spent mont, but takes    te involved. trick is to see t youre still entitled to your ten anyway.

        Busking isnt so bad. OK, its bad, but its not terrible. ell, OK, its terrible, but its not… Ill e bad finis sentence rue anotime. First day out it felt fug great, because I    ar in so long, and sed day out ty good, too, because tile, and I could feel stuff ing back, cer t, I guess it felt like busking, and buski better than delivering pizzas.

        And people do put money on t. I got about ten pounds for playing Losing My Religion to a ussauds, and only a little less from a bu day (illiam, It as Really Notate Modern). If I could only kill t job I could o find. Or at least, it    job t involved playing guitar on a side, and    s up rig to you, and plays exactly t like ter. So I start playing Losing My Religion, and arts playing Losing My Religion, and I stop, because it sounds terrible, and tops, and ts so fug funny o a different spot, and    along    doesnt matter    is kind of impressive. I t Id ts,     doook a pop at er Square, and everyoarted booing me, because they all love him.

        But I guess everyo get along    on apupidity and futility of your e t not everyone is - to admit t Jerry Lee Pavement is pretty o beat.

        MAUREE ioppers iety. to o ttle t everyt sure about t, but t h me.

        I didnt    to go up on though.

        ? said Jess.

        Because people kill there, I said.

        Der, said Jess.

        O on Valentines Day, did you? Martin asked her.

        No, I didnt enjoy it, exactly. But, you know.

        No, I dont knoin.

        Its all part of life, isnt it? People al about unpleasant t;Oting     its all part of life." Ill tell you    of life: going for a crap. No one ever s to see t, do ts t in a film. Lets go and g a dump this evening.

        us? said Jess. People lock the door.

        But youd c.

        If t, it    of life,    it? So, yes, I would.

        Martin groaned and rolled     o     him again.

        But t privacy, said JJ. And maybe t privacy whemselves.

        So youre saying    t on ? said Jess.

        Because I dont ts rigonigop someone.

        And    fit in and it, youre no o suicide you s t decide, said Martin.

        ed just been talking about a man    a name called Nodog,    t killing yourself ly .

        I never said anyt any of ts— Im sorry. I    alloo interfere.

        No, no. e    interfere. Interfering is part of to do is t it, and after t, op someohe gods have spoken.

        And if I in, youre exactly t of person Id use as a mouthpiece.

        Are you being dirty? No. Im being plimentary.

        Jess looked pleased.

        So shall we look for someone? she said.

        how do you look for someone? JJ asked her.

        tart.

        e looked around t    after seven, and t many people i. In ts, ts looking at a mobile p table    pograp table o us t notting at there was a middle-aged guy reading a neer.

        too much laughing, said Jess.

        Anyone    messages are funny isnt going to kill    enougernally.

        Ive seen some fun messages, said Jess.

        Yeain. Im not sure t really disproves JJs point.

        S up, said Jess.    about t we    do.

        JJ and Martin looked at eacher and laughed.

        t in. So     or not? Yeains arent going to go up they?

        he looks more, like, deep.

        in. In a moment es going to turn up, and teen pints and a curry.

        Snob.

        Oo be deep to kill yourself?     e all do, said JJ. Dont s of Guinness, Jess drank Red Bull and vodka, and I drank o drink a lot noo    felt    seemed dark , up on t felt as t left some o tin    tohe river.

        So, said Jess. Anyone up foing over? No one said anyt    a serious question any more, so    smiled.

        Its gotta be a good t? t ill around? said JJ.

        Der, said Jess.

        No, said JJ. It    a rorical question.

        Jess s    t o mean.

        I mean, I really do    to kno to kno know.

        Better t ? said Martin.

        Yea. I guess.

        Its better for your kids, said Jess.

        I suppose so, said Martin. Not t I ever see them.

        Its better for Matty, said JJ, and I didnt say anyt it    really better for Matty at all.

        eve all got loved ones, anyin. And our loved ones han dead. On balance.

        You re? said Jess.

        Are you asking me    you to live? Yes, Jess, your parents    you to live.

        Jess made a face, as t believe him.

        this before? said JJ. On New Years Eve?

        I    of my parents once.

        Because tin. Familys like, I dont knoy. Stro some times thers.

        Yup. ts gravity for you. ts     our feet.

        tides, t notice ts… ell, anyway. You know w I mean.

        If some guy came up onig ell him? said JJ.

        Id tell    ty days, said Jess.    Cos its true, isnt it? Yeas true t none of us feel like killing ourselves tonig like… If o us, So tell me    to you since you decided not to go over t ell ell    my job in ts, I said. And the quiz.

        t t. Jess t about saying somet JJ caught her eye, and she ged her mind.

        Yeaer a little w Im f— busking, man. Sorry, Maureen.

        And Im failing to    .

        Dont be so    loads of different tions it all.

        Sorry, Maureen, said JJ.

        Yes, excuse me, Maureen.

        I didnt knoy days ago, said Jess.

        Ain. Nodog. t any of     us    boast of. Maureens quiz team excepted, of course.

        I didnt remind    ts. I knos not muc it mig in a bit.

        Lets tell our suicidal friend about Nodog. "O a man ime." tll cheer him up.

        ts not aking t did you    t all to    out, and now everyones all f— depressed.

        Yea w, you know. ill here.

        tin. t.

        In tance s on t big whe London Eye.

        e dont o decide right now, anyway, do we? said JJ.

        Course , said Martin.

        So     anot tually going round? said Martin. I t tell. e stared at it for a long time, trying to    out. Martin    look as t    it must have been, I suppose.

        AOLEDGMENtS    to:    tony Lacey, endy Carlton, ersen, Joanna Prior, Zelda turner, Eli z, Mary it.
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