MARtIN

        I explain o jump off top of a too jump off top of a to a bloody idiot. I    explain it because it    inexplicable: it    of proper t. It    even a very serious t, eit mean it    t it    terribly plicated, onized. Put it t knoant bank manager, in Guildford. And youd been ting, and ts a pretty straigill o t,    you? Youd at least o     of paper and dra of pros and s. You knos, friends, golf club.

        PROS - more money, better quality of life (c.), sea, suns-isc.

        Its no test, is it? ts give you pause for t, but ts all it is - a pause, and a brief ooo. Youd be on to travel agents en minutes.

        ell, t    enougs, and lots and     lots of reasons to jump. t    I couldnt imagine dy letting me see t got any aged parents, and I dont play golf. Suicide    o tended.

        I told o a Ney. I told ober.

        I dont knoations to Neies in October or not. Probably not. ( been to one since . June and Brian across t before they moved.

        And even ter o sleep.) But I couldnt    any longer. Id been t it since May or June, and I co tell upid, really.    uand, Im sure . tell me to keep talking to    you    see t not a to be ity just goes to s I o look foro, doesnt it?

        t I told ed to go fession. ell, Id lied,    I? Id lied to my oiny, silly lie: Id told    I o a party, a party Id made up.

        Id made it up properly, too. I told y it o go, and y, Bridgid from ted because er ters. And I ed to go because Bridgids sister aken o Lourdes, and I ed to find out all about it, o taking Matty one day.) But fession    possible, because I ko an end. Not only to Matty, but to t t anyone else, really. Maybe someo ts almost ical, . If you spend day and niger a sick ctle room for sin, and I    done anyt from t, to sinning so terribly t I couldnt even talk to t, because I o go on sinning and sinning until t t sin of all. (And    sin of all? All your life youre told t youll be going to to get you t quicker is somet stops you getting t all. O its a kind of queue-jumping. But if someone jumps t t Office, people tut. Or sometimes t. t say, You y. t    strong.) It didnt stop me from going to t I only kept going because     people opped.

        As    closer and closer to te, I kept passing on little tidbits of information t I told ended as t not everyone likes    knoty o uand anyt tic,    about a little get-togetime I saed to kno I never asked. If so y, sve felt t so invite me.

        Im as about to lying now.

        No, Im asic it all elling Matty about    it     alking about it,    actually saying anyto believe in ty a little bit myself, in t you e to believe tory in a book. Every noime Id leave. axi. t sort of t ually been. Even in my imagination, t see myself talking to a ty. I e o leave it.

        I    a party doairs in t. It y, full of all t crusties sitting on tening tae. At midnigically, and a couple of ot    - o you too. You could urned up to t party as t person in London, and youd still ed up to jump off t t t person in London anyway. Obviously.

        I only    because someo college told me C . I tried ime, but it    on.

        split up, alker, but ts like aive alker, isnt it? I dont t stalking    pters and emails and knog on turned up at imes, if you t mas party, ake me to t anyway.

        Stalking is ,     isnt it? ell, I never    near any s t alking ion is like being o just a fiver, eit to you o kno e at nigo be in. People get serious about t sort of mo collectors, and break peoples legs, but I    far. I sraint.

        So even traig    at ty, I stayed for a    o go on Ne from some s party in some s squat . I seem to ma every year. I make friends easily enoug t muc sure wies disappear.

        I pissed Jen off, Im sure of t. She disappeared, like everyone else.

        MARtIN    Id spent ts o, just out of curiosity. And nearly every siime, took urbed. And tory about tard:    friend,    er    some months before… hello, Mr er?

        A    turbed mental bala just rigil you t take any more, and ts off to t multi-storey car park in tg.

        Surely ts fair enoug sook er sober and careful plation of t had bee?

        Not once did I read a ne rolley. You knoer United for Miss Sor in ts to    novel    been bougeven Spielberg. ables by a member of aff. No like t, but if talented people took to t t saying t being eo Miss Sed and es you against depression - Im sure it doesnt. Im just saying t t tatistics. Youre more likely to top yourself if youve just goute. Or if youve foug somebody… ts and lots of factors t pusors are likely to make you feel anyt fug miserable.

        tin S ting on a tiny crete ledge in t, looking a    do a crete ered into tiny pieces. But tin S person. I still ill    slept een-year-old. I    been to prison. I    o talk to my young daug a front-page tabloid neicle, an article rated ure of me lying on t outside a ! per is fair to say, less reason for ledge-sitting before all t    tell me t turbed, because it really did    mean, any stuff about t strictly stific? Does t of fiso ing to kill myself e and reasonable respoo a e events t    t ts rouble ry, isnt it? No ones o face ties. Its al. Boo-o be one of t    on o do een-year-old. I o believe t I -fed or not, and it ime to face up to w Id done.

        And erally. ell, OK, not literally literally. I , you knourned my life into urine and stored it in my bladder and so on and so fort I felt as if Id pissed my life a you    piss money a. No, you see, ts n as you kno at all. Id spent it. Id spent my kids and my job and my eenage girls and nig a price, and Id , and     suddenly my life    t    as to a dim form of sciousness and a semi-funing digestive system - all tions of a life, certainly, but none of tent. I didnt even feel sad, particularly. I just felt very stupid, and very angry.

        Im not sitting ting    nigurned into as muc even jump off a fug to fug it up.

        Oo pay extra for t, but I didnt mind. ty o cost t more ting me. I    of his life.

        I t about tys stuff, in case t it    no one o kno    t cry o fetc eleven t m. I just kissed op of old o be good at t all in until Id seen t and , for about an    ill my son, and I o see    even say goodbye properly. I celevision for a .

        I ed at top for ten minutes, but to walk.

        Kno you    to die makes you less scared. I     e at s are full of drunks, but    matter no being attacked but not murdered - left for dead    actually dying. Because taken to al, and t    Matty, and all te e of time, and Id e out of al oo find t? But no oacked me. A couple of people     all. t so muco be afraid of out t ime to find t out, on t nig t of it being afraid of     everything.

        Id never been to toppers    been past it on t even kno you could get on to t t airs until I couldnt    kno occur to me t you couldnt just jump off , but t I sa I realized t t let you do t. t top… s    tall, and Im not very strong, and Im not as young as I    see o get over top of it all, and it o be t nigty being in tarted to go tions, but none of t    to do it in my o room, o be found by a stranger. And I didnt    to jump in front of a train, because Id seen a programme on television about t t    drive off to a quiet spot and breat fumes… And tin, rigc a little stepladder, and some ters, and o climb over top like t. And    sitting on t, looking doaking nips out of a little ed. And ed and ed until in t    any more. I kno    I . It    going to be mu.

        I ried to pus beefy enougo pus ried any    ; it o . I just    up to    my apped ed to ask o be long.

        Before I got to t, I never ention of going on to tly. Id fotten about toppers il I started speaking to t really saying muc ty and up. old me    , Does t mean everyone else    , like, No, t bloke over tal Mike. And t one over t one over turd. And so on, until he room he knew.

        But ten minutes I spent talking to Bong made ory. ell, not ory like    bc or . Not orical ory, unless one of us goes on to i a time macops Britain from being invaded by Al-Qaida or somet ed g me up I    about to go in .

        ,    me and , Youre not t, Not oner-brain. And , Because I    see tion in your eyes. I    time, so looking ba it, Im pretty sure t    , O, Yea on suicide co look out for people o go upstairs. And I    you? toppers hemselves.

        And I    if    said t. Everyt to go    imagine    imagine ed C    me, and I suddenly realized t easily t to do    laug : I ed to make my life s, and I    a party in toppers oo mug t all God o say to me    I didnt blame him.

        else ell me?

        I could feel t of everyt of loneliness, of everyt     feop of t weigh me.

        Jumpi like to get rid of it, to make it ead of against me; I felt so    I k in no time. Id beat tower-block.

        MARtIN    If s tried to kill me, Id be dead, no question. But    a preservation instinct,    rying to kill ourselves    I felt turned round and grabbed tarted yelling. I aking nips out of t, as    going to take tepladder on t rip    of vocabulary. If Id kno o do, probably, but I didnt; I t even    youd o admit it uation.

        I stood up and turned round carefully, because I didnt    to fall off until I co, and I started yelling at    stared.

        I know you, she said.

        o me iaurants and sres and garages and urinals all over Britain and say, I k kno Ive seen you on telly. And t an autograp about    nig    expeg it. It all seemed a bit beside t, t side of life.

        From television.

        Os sake. I    to kill myself, but never mind, time for an autograp a pen? Or a bit of paper? And before you ask, s bityt are you doing up o jump too. I ed to borrow your ladder.

        ts o: ladders. ell, not ladders literally; t peace process doesnt e doo ladders, and nor do ts. But oervie you    reduce t enormous topics doo ti parts, as if life ribute o a faulty catc locked in for a nigage describe ors ed by t card    in .

        You    to talk about big t its tc give you t t knoart. Not if youre ing Rise and Sin you dont, any talk about ed our brains to spill out onto te like a Malds milk salked about tead. Be my guest.

        Ill    until… ell, Ill .

        So youre just going to stand tc. Youll be ing to do it on your own, Id imagine.

        Youd imagine right.

        Ill go over tured to t on t s.

        e on. t    a bad gag. In tances.

        I suppose Im not in the mood, Mr Sharp.

        I dont trying to be funny, but o t do turned around and loo t I couldnt trate. t ration does a mao top of a     place; I uood y ty of attempting to resume life dohe ground.

        But tion racted me, pulled me back out into to t get t    as dy and I arting to make love. I    cill kne Id o do it some time.

        Its just t I kne going to be able to do it in t five minutes.    I sed at Maureen.

        Oi! Do you    to s just about anything I said would be hilarious.

        Maureen came out of tiously.

        I    to be on my ooo, she said.

        You    ty mi my spot back.

        o get back over t t of t.

        tepladder really only    enougo open it out.

        Youll o .    do you mean? You    over top to me. Ill put it flus t steady from t side.

        Id never be able to keep it in place. Youre too heavy.

        And soo lig s at all; I o kill     to die a long and painful deather.

        So youll o put up h me being here.

        I    sure t I ed to climb over to t a boundary no to tairs from treet from tairs, and from treet you could get to dy, and t    in a gale. t safe.

        tion and sion and s to feel if you ting on a ledge, on your own, on New Years Eve.

        you so t you? Its my ladder.

        Youre not mucleman.

        No, Im fug not. ts one of t. Dont you read t times.

        So    me? You used to be on tV.

        ts it? I t for a moment. ere you married to someone in Abba? No.

        Or another singer? No.

        O.

        Musudio, and o taste, and you said, "Mmmm, I love mus t; as t you? It mig ts all you    dredge up? Yes.

        So o kill myself? Ive no idea.

        Youre pissing me around.

        ould you mind c offensive.

        Im sorry.

        But I couldnt believe it. I couldnt believe Id found someoo prison, I used to abloid scum ing outside t door. I ings s and managers and tV executives. It seemed impossible t tain ued in    seemed to matter. Maybe Maureen lived on t. It o lose touchere.

        about your belt? S my . As far as Maureen    fes o    to spend talking about my passion for musured for ted to get on hings.

        about it? take your belt off and put it round t your side of the railings.

        I sa it        couple of minutes    off, passed it around bot tig up, gave it a so c    to die falling back, placed ts inal position.

        And I    about to let Maureen jump in peace    us.

        I s    ake. I mean, t ake if to kill myself. I could    ly and calmly, to tin    t I didnt. I yelled somet of t    t point, to me, anyin rugby-tackled me before I got    of kneeled on me and ground my fato t sort of gritty fake-tarmac stuff t on tops of buildings. t to be dead.

        I didnt kno in. I never sail , and t sa. But I kne I got to t o be like a genius to    out. So , So o kill yourselves and Im not?

        And oo young. eve fucked our lives up. You , yet. And I said, ? And    ye. And I en people?

        Including my parents and, I dont ko see ,    you? Id get on a plao Brazil if I    to pay for    up.

        MARtIN    My first t, after Id brougo t I didnt    Maureen sneaking off on    o d to save    age of my distra and jumped. O makes muces before, Id been practically us I didnt see         see ed it all tives ially selfisell you.

        After Jess and I iversation about s of people, I sed at Maureen to e and ened, and to us.

        Get a bloody move on.

        do you    me to do? Sit on her.

        Maureen sat on Jesss arse, and I k on her arms.

        Just let me go, you old bastard pervert. Yetting a t of t you? ell, obviously t stung a bit, give events. I t for a moment Jess mig even Im not t paranoid.
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