Maureen: s muts than I had.

        Suck around to find out    o live t kno sty came along, sed around for ty years to see    of feeling in t slap, and I could imagiing someone pretty oo. t        intend ever to be her age.

        Frank is Mattys fats funny to t mig be immediately obvious to someone, because its so obvious to me. I only ever ercourse ercourse    one man once, and time in my entire life I ercourse produced Matty.

        are ten million? I dont kno of course even one in ten million means t t of s not en million. You dont ts a lot of people.

        Ive e to realize, over t ected from bad luck t doesnt seem fair, ercourse only t alk or even reize me… ell, fairness doesnt really o do , does it? You only o ercourse to produce a c say, You    only ty if youre married, or if you s of ots of differe, even t tty, you t    feel, ts it! ts all my bad luck, a    Im not sure luck . Matty    stop me from getting breast cer, or from being mugged. Youd t . In a han he could have provided.

        And any believe in luck as muc. ere good at believing in punis;    in t t is Matty. It migo pay, but to mean somet ts    t I got. For a long time I eful, because it felt to me as to be able to redeem myself o be made after no so sure. If to pay for a sin is so    you end up ing to kill yourself and itting an even hen Someones done his sums wrong. Someones overcharging.

        I    anyone before, not in teo. But t nig. I    felt as if it didnt matter il I    back to top of toppers     time I     realized t I    of    made me    to slap    because I could, but I didnt. t s - and t on all fours c h his hands.

        Im sorry, Chas said.

        For w? JJ asked him.

        Im not sure, ever.

        I old him.

        Im sorry, he said again.

        It s. Its a o do, to ercourse hen disappear.

        I    see t now.

        you? I think so.

        You t see anyt you get up? I dont really    to be slapped again.

        Is it fair to say t youre not t man in the world? JJ asked him.

        ts of different    I do mucore by ps fair. Its overrated, I think.

        ell, you knoo s your y, man. You    slap , and C to . It range feeling, g because of me.

        Not muc? said JJ.

        No. But I dont really see ternatives.

        talking to Jess? O ime. Seriously. Im already ting, you knoo someone elses back yard? Maybe somew of grass? No, ancer.

        Listen, JJ said. I knoo e. ouldnt you rat ties? But o say? Maybe . toget mig her off your back.

        Like    shed marry you if you asked her.

        As just… I    kidding around,    up, man.

        t, like, ligimes. times.

        Dark times indeed.    o Mancer, and living under a grill and tohing.

        Yeah.

        JJ shook his head.

        OK. So ell s going to get you out of to say, as if or and we were in a soap.

        Im not averse to    DIY every noed     tencils and everytV cameras tion pany paid for every last drop of Day-Glo paint, but t doesnt make it any less of an ac.) Any t sometimes you e across    are too big for filler, especially in t o do it is to bung tcs of sponge, o     nig of spo plugged a gap. te of time and energy, a banal little sides it absorbed us, got us doening to erous speecs value. I could also see t o need a lot more bits of sponge over ths.

        Maybe ts    too big a gap to be plugged by filler, so    our een-year-olds, o fill it up.

        of ty and on to treet. rying to sound p into Jess at some point during t ion undid o vey o make eye tact. ty gangster caug of ely trying to suck up in order to save his skin.

        you talk to me? Yea. I ko kno. And Ive been t it. Ive been t it very ually, because, you knos… Im not    it. Its s a weakness in me.

        Dont overdo it, man, said JJ. ttempt on anyones part to pretend t to bear any resemblao a real versation.

        N of all I s    happen again.

        And sed of all: I find you very attractive, and stimulating pany, and… time JJ just cougentatiously.

        … And, s not me, its you. s not you, its me.

        At t point, just as rying to remember    my eye.

        elly. Martin thing.

        It is him, said Jess.

        s a long story, I said.

        e    up on toppers o tory siderably ser, and, to be fair, leaving out very fe points.

        almost visibly, like snakes so ttractive aspects to y, but quiess of intelligence    one of t girl you s and everything? he asked finally.

        you ask Jess    t more relevant? S up, said Jess. ts private.

        Ouff isnt? No, s any more. Everyone kno it.

        s Penny C    o talk about, Cly.

        Ns just a bit distrag, elly standing there.

        Do you    me to leave? No, said Jess quickly. I    you here.

        I     youd be ype, said Coo old. Plus, . o s none of us - none of t expect me to laug my oely amused.

        O. Its like t, is it? And suddenly, yes, it ly like t: han     him, in every way.

        And even Jess sa.

        Youre tosser, so do h you.

        Fuck off out of my sigraigoe into tiest part of toon cers.

        And t he end of Chas.

        JESS    oppers    to be    knoil t nig I suddenly realized it just by looking at Chass face.

        t. It    ty-t anyt from    t E from, or felt anyt from off     gave    stupid joke about Martin and expected us to laugely lost in t of t laug frigroubled eyes - tickle it. Id noticed    ill see opped to t. And you    say t o kill yourself is a co, and you    say t none of us o    to do it. But you t say t    feel it, because    ant t t was like unless oo.

        Because ts    mea someto us s of ot from e     to say t Maureen and I s and listeo brass bands or    kno in on    girl is t    kno until C t Martin being a t.

        t    e anyt ed me,    pla - and it    ill oion, I t, but so w?

        good    going to do me? It     cs going to    tcc miles a     arms in t made me scared t I o be itc    t. I kne Martin    ed o    even ried anyt .    of did te; he held me all funny, as if I was covered in barbed wire.

        Im sorry, I . Im sorry t little sbag called you names. And     my fault, but I told    of course it    me    o experierauma of being called a t on Ne a lot.

        (tually true. Ive kners, call    about fifteen times, a prick about ten times, a    tely imes. Also: tosser, berk, , shead and pillock.) Nobody likes him, which is weird, because hes famous. how    you be famous if nobody likes you?

        Martin says its noto do een-year-old t if anyt got sligter after t, because t ly t of people ead of sing out ed out t iera. In terms of personal abuse, alt in terms of ionsy, going to prison actually did    all sorts of people seem to be famous even tony Blair is a good example. And all t breakfast tV programmes and quiz s of money, it seems to me, is because strangers yell terrible    treet. Even a traffic    get called a t o being Martin is tations to film premieres and dodgy nightclubs.

        And ts o trouble.

        t some ts I in and I    t get us any o go.

        I oo muco let t end - as if    large in O, and o someones flat for spliffs and a c,    yours is tasty, Martin. Ill bet youve got Jacuzzis and all sorts. tll do. And Martin said, No,    go t t    t oo fat to go in one or anyt fat, Martin. oo vain to be fat.

        So I said, ell, never mind, as long as youve got a kettle and some    Flakes. And , I , so I o     in a funny    mig and I said, , Nobody. And I said, Is t Mr Nobody or maybe Miss Nobody? And    nobody. So I ed to kno to invite us back, and , Because I dont know you.

        And I said, Yea kno fifteen-year-old. And ts go to mine. ?

        And so we did.

        JJ    I kno    to tell you trution t if    to breakfast time, t up due to musical differences. Breakfast time     to a ne, but I really didnt    to be seen in daylig I mean - especially    breakfast and dayligill a couple of    felt to me like I    to go o Martins place. to do anytill didnt trust myself to spend too mucime on my own.

        Martin lived in a little villagey part of Islingtony Blairs old    times, as Martin o    steps to -door bells, so I could tell it    all    I couldnt o live there.

        Before    urned around.

        Listen,    say anytened.

        I dont hing, said Jess.

        No, I did sort of listen. I meant, Listen, Im going to tell you something.

        Go on, t it out.

        Its very late. So just… be respectful of the neighbours.

        ts it? No. ook a deep breathere.

        In your flat? Yes.

        know w youd call e. ever.

        You e for tried to keep my voi ral, but, you knoting in a club or    s to jump off a building.

        Yes.    of it? Not… to say any more. e could leave t to tion.

        Fug    kind of date ends up ting on toin.

        I s was fug unsuccessful, said Jess.

        Yes, said Martin. ts w as such.

        o    and usting on t before en or fifteen years youy, in a kind of bimbo tV . Sared at us, and t him.

        rying to keep it lig s quite pull it off.

        Just out. Met some… ured at us.

        Met some who? You know. People.

        And ts    knoo run into t.

        And whe girl.

        I ed to in ansion, because it mig Jess interrupted.

        Youre Penny Chambers, said Jess.

        S say anyt already. e stared at her.

        Penny Chambers, said Maureen. She was gaping like a fug fish.

        Penny Cill didnt say anythe same reasons as before.

        Rise and Sin, said Maureen.

        No response for a time. I dont knoars, but I got it. If Martin o kill    ty fug o admit.

        Are you t? Jess asked her.

        Youd better ask y.

        Are you t? Jess asked him.

        Im sorry, said Martin.

        Ansion, said Penny. Im ied.

        t really time to talk about it, said Martin.

        So t, Penny said. o me.

        Its plicated, said Martin. You kne.

        Nope.

        You kne happy.

        Yes, I kne    I didnt know you were un me.

        I … Its not…    alk later? In private? opped, aured around t taring faces. I t, as a rule, potential suicides tend to be pretty self-absorbed: t fes pretty muc do    about us and b) because it    a versation likely to depress t of us. It , just a fig aking us out of ourselves.

        And    probably not immediately.

        Rig do alk about in time? it to say to t. Martin , so it o o find to him.

        I tom and e, said Penny.

        Yeaomorrow.

        t think youre so rude.

        om and e? th? Yes.

        did you tell told to toilet, said Penny.

        Jess burst out laugin gla     . You knoed,    to laugry not to catcoo? ell, ts    ted ttle-boy smirk and fle ttle boy iion. s to prevent ting him.

        funny.

        Im sorry. Really. I knos not funny in any o    s down again.

        e need a drink, said Martin. ould you mind if tayed for one? Ill take a drink off just about anybody in any situation, but even I    sure ake t too ty.

        It o t t I ion of describing Penny as a rigyt    t ty minutes or so praying t it    t my opinion of Penny would be passed on.

        And, needless to say, it oget    of prison, and as you    imagine so endure a fair amount of difficulty in t time. e didnt    to kno    arictly necessary. I ill ially employed, on a dismal cable ed before, I    terribly cheerful.

        And ing, but o oter mug and many recriminations,    toget . I tom     of my o top of iful and young and famous, broadcasting to millions every m. I couldnt believe t sed to be algia and pity, and s persuade me otalk for five minutes about some    uand, and t of t    t couldoget, aged about one    and made me read it, and it took me about as long to get t took ters to pair off. ell, our relations like t, except tter time tmas, in a fit of self-disgust and despair, I told o bugger off, and so s out t nig on tV c-ever line of coke, and to see me t m in floods of tears. ts yt t on the harsh side.

        So t, give or take a feo-s and tantrums, a couple of dozen ot-ups, ao add - is o be sitting on my sofa ing up for me. Sing a long time if it    been for our impromptu roof party. I    even boting e, an omission ic delusion t tions sure.

        t sruck me as an anso fuse and obscure to illuminate. As for me… ell, I associated Penny, perandably, ime before tarted to go aeen-year-olds, before prison. I o vince myself t if I could make t . I bring you momentous nes not. ?

        My immediate problem ion rutful and upsetting, and it     off t could o one anot look like colleagues, or poetry ents, or clubbers, or substance-abusers; t o be said, , if failing to look like a substance-abuser could ever be described as a problem. And even if tance-abusers, I ill find it o explain t desperation of my desire to see told Penny and     mi I o toilet;    t door    otend ty?

        So I decided simply to carry on as if to explain.

        Sorry. Penny, this is Penny.

        Penny seemed unvinced even by trodus, as if I arted lying already.

        But you still    told me whey are.

        As in… ? As in,    ts a long story.

        Good.

        Maureen I kno of all? Maureen stared at me.

        Its a long time ago no it? ell remember in a minute. And JJ used to be part of the old el    crowd, and Jess is his girlfriend.

        Jess put oucire t have wished.

        And s. t… deaf idiots.

        onig… like… a party, said JJ tentatively.

        ch.

        , Jess?     Jess s    sort of crazy night.

        And o go? At eleven-ty? In ty? it me? t I t explain. And I attempted to look simultaneously ic. e o ty and uability, a try ted.

        Youre seeing someone else, arent you? Seeing someone else?    explain any of this?

        ate bringing eenaged punk and an Ameri    and a Rod Ste ?    ory    ter refle, I realized t Penny    iy    usually provide to any domestic mystery. If I on and Donald Rumsfeld, Penny hing.

        In otances, on ot oo; I used to be pretty resourceful o a o explain a four-ting    into treet to i, looked at me, and said, Youre seeing someone else, arent you? I de, of course.

        But to e to an Islington flat in tually telling trut look you get, ts you see rigo t and t go t extra yard to avoid it?

        ell? My delay in replying    of some pretty plicated mental aritic; I rying to     sums gave me t minus number. But, iably, terpreted as an admission of guilt.

        You fug bastard.

        I empted to point out t I er tunate i V c t ed to get drunk in my o I kne was ing.

        I    outside t - I ually sick w s    have one.

        as    erwards.

        Ive seen lots of te your ood    of younger people iced, and of course tend to be si t ake, too, nowadays, I suppose. (Ds make you sick?

        Id t you?) And some of ton doo go in for ts muc you see t migin is a sicker-upper. Or maybe     of friends o drinking, and also because I    o eat for more too nervous on    anyt seem to be an a of point any even tys muss food for? Its fuel, isnt it? It keeps you going. And I didnt really    to be kept going. Jumping off toppers omaceful, like selling a car ank of petrol. So I arted drinkiy, and after Id arted spinning round and round.

        e    for a little . Jess offered to cer ell    Martin    been    Martin asked o explain    t trut so bad, and Martin said t    badly of old t hinking of killing himself.

        Youre mad, said Jess. S . Youd probably get a sympathy shag.

        Martin laug ts    works, Jess, he said.

        ? Because if s , it    s a terrible t t your lover is so uns to die. Its a time for self-refle.

        Yeao spend    feel like holding her hand.

        Youd still end up    say it would be easy.

        Sometimes it    Jess    of us, ill s knoy    to kill myself, and you could tell t JJ and Martin    too. But    , t of t doea, and t on    of your day. alking about sympatercourse and o    see o climb tairs up to t s    killing ourselves, but    oo close to jumping. A Jess    of all of us to going over. JJ    e out of tairin     dangling over t    actually nerved o do it. Id never even got as far as t if Martin    sat on Jesss , Im sure of t.

        Lets play a game, said Jess.

        F— off, said Martin.

        It o go on being s    to get to tage    t o an end. But tting used to it made me realize somet made me realize t notins flat, I could look bayself - t t by a little bit of bad language! Id got older even during t. You get used to t, t youre suddenly different,    you o like t sort of music, even if it    opped, and nots t makes you die inside, aually s to make you die on tside too. People s of reasons, I kno one of t be t c life um - kids send you on a journey. Matty and I got stuck at top, though.

        learn to alk, let alone read or e: ayed tayed tayed too. I knos not muc imes in an evening,     for me, somet met Martin on t boune, as if I    on. ell, t t if you flincimes in an evening. It made me here I was drinking whisky and Coca-Cola.

        You kno more? No.

        Miserable bastard, said Jess.

        ell, yes, said Martily. Der, as you would say.

        ard. I ing out t, at ticular stage of my life, and indeed on ticular nig;miserable" is a very appropriate adjective. I am a very miserable bastard indeed, as I t you would    by now.

        , still? Martin laugill. Even after all tonight.

        o prison? I believe I still een-year-old?

        Regrettably, noto    score. Is my career still in pieces, and am I still estranged from my ce attending a party d of maltent must I be, e wed cher up.

        Really? Is t really and truly ? Yeah.

        I see. A trouble srouble s actually been quartered? t sort of tter.

        Yes. ell, s t supposed to mean? Notter. Your depression ractable. Youre very lucky.

        Unfortunately, JJ is still going to die, Maureen still ill a plete and utter f—ing so be     see o    , really? I    seem to mind.    smiled, and said, I guess not.

        I    takes too long.

        And tin sed somet    I didnt    it arting to retc my    as I said, I didnt make it.

        Jesus f—ing C, Martin said    used to t sort of s t involves    t .

        JJ    I ret t sorry o a pretty bad start. ts on top of tart it    off to,     place. Any suddenly ting er, because t passed.

        trut I didnt feel like a dying man; I felt like a man o die, and ts to die feels angry and full of life and desperate and bored and     exed, all at time; s to figs to curl up in a ball and s to say sorry to everyone, and s everyoo kno     believe t dying people feel t . (And    be? Every ot, so s, s one in my handbag.

        say anyttle wly.

        If yoing to be sick again,    couple of yards to tin said.

        Its not t, said Maureen. Its my s on t by tin made in ts only got my keys and t.

        e    find you a mint, if ts .

        Ive got some chewing gum, said Jess.

        Im not muc a bridge ts a bit loose. And I didnt botting it fixed because...

        S finisence. S o. I t got around to fixing, for obvious reasons.

        So , said Martin. Or you     your teet. You    use Pennys toothbrush.

        thank you.

        S to    and t dohe floor.

        am I going to do? About t ion for all of us, but Martin and I looked at Jess for t to e in tion, and    Jess actless enougo ask it.

        t on cue, do you ? Oions started to pee.

        Do you see w I mean? Yes. Yes, I do.

        If you dont kno say so. Cos, you knos a big question, and     to rus if you kno be needing it, t say so now.

        td save us all a trip, see.

        I    ask you to e h me.

        ed    to, said Jess. ouldnt     your keys, you    stay in.

        Dont    them.

        I see, Maureen said. Rig really… I t, I dont knoo put off t it for a few hours.

        OK, Martin said. Fair enougs go back.

        Do you mind? Not at all. It o kill yourself just because you didnt have your handbag.

        to toppers    Id left Ivans moped t before. It    t bad, because    suot like alist. oo poor. In fact, ies of a minimum-raffic ligty muche same money.

        I left my car oo, said Martin.

        And ts gone as ion. It o be an act of cy. t be any more of those.

        t it, t in t    until    up t    to da about. It oo, o see seeing tour: St Pauls, the river, Jesss house.

        Its not scary any more, said Martin.

        You re? said Jess. he edge? Fug hell.

        Its a fuck sigter in the dark, if you ask me.

        I didin. I meant London. It looks all right.

        It looks beautiful, said Maureen. I t remember t time I could see so much.

        I did eit… I dont knoo go.

        Yeaed to a dinner party, I said. Like you had.

        I didnt knoed out of pity. I didnt belong.

        And you feel included noo feel excluded from. Its just a big city again. Look. hes on his own. And shes on her own.

        Sraffic warden, said Jess.

        Yes, and soday s fe last nigable somewhere.

        itraffic wardens, probably, said Jess.

        And I    V presenters.

        Or perverts, said Jess.

        No. Agreed. I was on my own.

        Apart from t ty, I said. But yeas w for suicides.

        one? Jess asked.

        December st, said Martin.

        Yea popular nig ines Day, said Martin.

        s t? Six s give it anot about t? ell probably all feel terrible on Valentines Day.

        e all stared tfully at t. Six    seem too long. Life could co care for. Or your career ional laugock.

        Dyou know how youll be feeling in six weeks? Maureen asked me.

        Oerminal disease. Life    che fuck did I know how Id be feeling?

        to predict its course - not even me, and I ied it.

        So are o meet again before t… ;;? said Martin. o meet in six    kill ourselves opping you, said Jess.

        Surely t someone is stopping me. ere all stopping eacher.

        Until the six weeks is up, yeah.

        So opping you," t te.

        Listen, said Jess. If you go    your    am I going to do about it? Exactly. So t I? Because if ry and live by t kill ourselves for six    a gang, tever. So are    a gang? Not a gang, said Martin.

        … Martin clearly ion, o let hough.

        I    felt like I il t moment. And noo t Martin didnt like muc real itted to it.

        But w? I said.

        ell. Youre not, you kno, I sh assholes like you.

        ell, t instructive evening and te ways.

        And die, said Jess.

        Possibly, said Martin.

        And ts ? I said.

        ell, its not a long-ion, I grant you. But Im not giving as o look more attractive retly. Im flicted, as you people say. Anyway, wo Jess.

        Id got t you didnt care for anyone or anyt t hing.

        Jess t for a moment. You kno up top of tate Building or up a mountain or    bit o save    like t tears off and s    to do.

        You    to y doom.

        Id like to kno Ive made t. I    to sorn sleeve.

        I didnt knorained Samaritan, said Martin.

        Im not. t my own personal philosophy.

        Id find it easier if    from you tty. I tell Matty.

        Os sake, said Martin. y because en: telling Maureen to go fuck han any of us possessed.

        Its only six op ourselves on Valentines, if it helps.

        Martin s it o indicate defeat rathan refusal.

        ell all live tret it, he said.

        Good, said Jess. So is everyone all rig? I s    like I ter plan.

        Im not going on beyond six weeks, said Maureen.

        No one in.

        As long as    from tart, said Maureen.

        Noted, said Martin.

        Excellent, said Jess. So its a deal.

        e s out for breakfast. e couldnt to say to eac    seem to mind much.
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