Anna will be w ws o me.

        e could move to anotable, I said, but I kne royed by a malevolent force beyond my trol.

        See you later, said Jess cheerily.

        And t    time I saill be restrug ting it doting friends to act it out, looking for any kind of clue t .

        You never kno your mout and as frequently as so    sometime. But for     music. So be a little pick-me-up, my first si ever as a non-practig musi, because I y, and Ive been in a band ever since. So after s, I started to    o elling some little old lady eet REMs manager ed to represent my band. o be a person - someo people could respond to? Its no fug use, giving someto take its place. Say Id just kept talking about tioned music… ould ill o bed? I could. It seemed to me t    my old life, I    all. My morale-booster ended up making me feel totally fug cruse.

        e didnt really tin missing , even t ting used to t once or t I    uand. I didnt uand    before, and I didnt uand ting at our breakfast table. And no uand    uanding dido matter very mucimes,    uand t you k to. You co you if you pay close attention. I rying to tin as a cops and robbers film; if I did everytold myself not to panic. Id    until someone gave me a clue. And anyo see t it didnt really matter even if you uood almost not really uood    us on to television. But t ten about noly, so , I     at breakfast, but t    because I    didnt    Martin to think us rude.

        After breakfast I tried to telep I couldnt manage on my oo ask JJ to do it for me, and    ts of extra o dial, and some you o leave out, and I dont kno being celepold me I could call once a day    relax properly.

        And telep c tes. More o me in my elep time up on t    as if t all. Matty ing care, and t mucell me, ried to make tion last longer, and, fair play to ried to    last lod love him.

        But o say. Matty doesnt do anyt done anyt particular day.

        in alked about t, but mostly alking about the garden.

        And I t t for a moment, and tried not to feel sorry for myself. Love and    and t of it, t only a mot time in    to    of me ly t of till better at it tice Id    I could augo know in a couple of weeks.

        t meant     meant    afraid of, ever since    frig. And I didnt knoo kill myself more or less, kno. I didnt knoime or not.

        I    doairs, and I sahe lobby.

        Martins c of tel, she said.

        And I smiled at ely, but I didnt stop, and I kept    care t Martin    of tel. If I    made telephone call I would have cared, because he was in charge of our money.

        But if     matter muc? Id stay t, and Id eat, or not, and Id drink, or not, and go , and    do    matter to a all. And I    of t sad on imes? I    imagiime to think.

        For t of tried to keep out of everybodys io mind. Jess didnt like it muake me eat    on t I just smiled and said, No t say, But youre alo me!    to talk to me now?

        I borrotle bookcase iion, a silly one    pink cover called Pa a single girl urns into a s to marry    s sure because , so sakes a imes I read t, and sometimes I slept. Ive always been fine on my own.

        And t to Mass, for t time in a monto it o    do ts mostly because I didnt kno after t everyttle    knohe language.

        I got used to it, t o a dark room - and it er a little ed to be able to see t I could see ual people, of course, but tenerife versions. t looking dotle unsteady on , even at t time of day, and t .

        And t kno tle    t me staring and s I    it seemed se, sucil I t about it. And    o any c, pus ed, probably.

        MARtIN    I icularly introspective man, and I say tically. One could argue t most of trouble in trospe. Im not t crime - not t sort of trouble. Im tearful c-ss and so on. I os o prevent introspe    sit around and t oneself. You could try t ot tried to t teo be people I kne people I kne broug back to    to be.

        So in some    ake, c of tel and going off on my oated t of me, and Maureen depressed me, t of me t s ued and unfurnis    just t, eitively aplisy t I mig all, and it    difficult to imagiio do not all, and tinational pany in t troop at weekends.

        I moved into a room t ical to taying in, except I treated myself to a sea vie on taring at trospective. I t say t I icularly iive in my introspe; t day    Id made a pigs ear of just about everyt Id be better off dead, and if I died no one    my deat drunk.

        tly more structive;    no one edly t most of my : I ranged from my cake! OK, nine mistakes. Nine mistakes out of say a unities! I got    per t and I still failed test! I o entrapment, and b) because societys attitudes to teenage sexuality are outmoded. I lost my job because of ty of my bosses. So at ted to kill ots got to be hier, surely?

        Jess found me on tting in a cafe reading a te me.

        Anyt us in there? she said.

        I expect so, I said. But Ive only read t and t looked at t page yet.

        Fun-nee.    I sit h you? No.

        S down anyway.

        s all t, t? this… big sulk.

        You t , to death of you.

        you plural. You singular. toi, not vous.

        Because of t? Yes, because of t.

        You just didnt like me saying you were my dad, did you? Youre old enougo be.

        Im a.

        Yea over it. take a chill pill.

        Im over it. Ive taken one.

        Looks like it.

        Jess, Im not sulking. You t of a el because you said I her? I would.

        Because you e er? Both.

        t ends to be tful (and by tful, I mean self-loato me is te of any prolo on ). I decided I    going to be taken in.

        Im not going to be taken i lost.

        have I done now? Fug hell.

        Youre pretending to be a remorseful human being.

        does "remorseful" mean? It means youre sorry.

        For w? Go away.

        For    a    of all, I    a holiday from you.

        So you    me to get pissed up and take drugs.

        Yes. I    t very much.

        Yea. And if I do Ill get a bollog.

        Nope. No bollog. Just go away.

        Im bored.

        So go and find JJ or Maureen.

        theyre b.

        And Im not? ies ?    Eminem? No.

        You    you    tell me.

        Os sake.

        I left some money on table, got up and . Jess folloreet.    about a game of pool? No.

        Sex? No.

        You dont fancy me? No, Some men do.

        o say it, but I tionship is over.

        Not if I just follo isnt.

        And you t erm? I dont care about term.    about    looking out for me? And Id    youd    to. I could replace ters youve lost. And t .

        S observation matter-of-factly, as if it rute.

        about t fit in ers Ive lost? t, you knoe. A different o go.

        e passed a gly looking bar called Ney.

        ts    fry to go in again.

        As if to illustrate t, a grizzled-looking oanding in th a murderous look on his face.

        I need a pee. Dont go anywhere.

        I o Ney, found a lavatory some tV pages of t, sat doed t    eventually topped; I presumed s I stayed in t in case. It ed ternoo time. It    sort of holiday.

        JJ    t band I er a s ton, just a fe is no on stage, but alked about it.

        ed played in Ma before, to a very small croo London tle snappy, but mostly just morose and quiet. It felt exactly tomaot does, it    make any difference for any loes. Its    you    lose toucou a bar    nig arguing, but till o exist. It    , so it    ours any more. Im talkiap.

        A tensity to it, like a desperate break-up fuck - o tty little dressing room, and sat do feels like it. And     like Eddie:    eitook my ook Billys    so t    time, and Billy said, Fuck you, queer boy, and stood up real quick,     o kno drummers.

        I    tel to t.

        t, and no one     aken to go. ts ies, hing.

        Its funny, but    sick    t to do, you kno real big on reading and ing, if you    Im saying, and Eddie oo, like, pugilistic to    o be OK. I , and stable, and I ill be somet it. So    a gig ion    on to work for his dad, and Im delivering pizzas and nearly jumping off a fug roof.

        So time around, I ermined not to fret about my felloold myself. It didnt look t    t about, and it    my problem anyway.

        In taxi to t alked some about    to do , and on t ube from o Kings Cross, and took a bus from t    arted t maybe    be    so much.

        ? said Jess.

        Because .

        I t it    OK.

        Martin snorted. e didnt speak to eacher.

        You    most of time, said Jess.

        And es? Or because ours is not one of my most fulfilliions is your most fulfilliionss yours? Jess t for a moment, and then shrugged.

        it, she said.

        t rution as it applied to in spoke up just as arting to see    migo us too.

        Yes. ell. It s be, s it? Are you givio put it like t. Jess,    ts time to go our separate ways.

        about Valentines Day? e    meet on Valentines Day, if you . e said .

        Up on till t t ges day by day.

        Id like to meet up, said Maureen.

        I suppose Valentines must be a pretty important day for you, Maureen, said Jess. S as if sion, but Maureen reized tiness and didnt boto respond. Just about everyt back at    none of us    t traffi t Angel I said goodbye and got off. As I c of Polo mints, and ture seemed kind of breaking.

        For t ty mud on to see if t I bleen pounds on a ticket for a band called Fat Carted up around time as us, and no deal, and t t tood t, and I    say any of us was riche experience.

        I , by a guy w ies.

        All rig t year. I .

        You living here?    Yeah, for now.

        you doing? You gone solo?    Yeas right.

        Cool    e met at eigines Day, and everyone ime. Jess ed to meet later, like at midnigragic effect, but no one else t it    to travel e. I ran into airs on told o    travelling erwards.

        meant… Last time you    gonna go home, you know?

        Not, like, on the bus, anyway.

        On t time, you o get off t tonig sounds as taking the long way down.

        O, she said. In my head, I mean.

        ts great.

        Im still feeling t of think.

        Right on.

        And t    to talk any more, because it h.

        Martin and Jess arrived a couple of minutes later, and here.

        of tually? said Martin.

        e o meet up and see , said Jess.

        A. And    you, Maureen? I am. I o JJ, I till feeling t of the holiday.

        ure of amazement and admiration.

        you, Mart? I said.    I could kind of tell o t question o be.

        Oosser, said Jess.

        e s some more.

        I read somet migerest you all, Martin said.

        Yea o talk about it

        Sounds good to me, I said. I mean, maybe e? said Martin, like I s.

        Yea kind of ran out after t. But being alive seemed ing. Unless, of course, it    ed, in ed a     drink any ting a drink ing. An ordinary he fog of depression and indecision.

        Maureen? Yes, I dont mind.

        It doesnt look to me like anyones going to jump, I said. Not tonight.

        Is t rig listening.

        Fuck me, s.

        Saring at t ing tly win , and ed.

        ly.    stay there.

        I started to o him.

        Please dont e any closer, ears, dragging furiously on a smoke.

        eve all been tried anoteps.    say anything.

        Yea us. ere OK. You to get t you do.

        I dont    to, said the guy.

        tell us tle closer. I mean, s in the field. Maureen here...

        But I never got any furtte over ttle moan ting te all till dont know which is scarier.
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