If you ackled in t just as you    to op of a to be t breakfast televisioers.

        (to breakfast televisioers, of course, most of    not breakfast, luncure enougo rise above Jesss taunts, even t like breaking her arms.

        If    go, are you going to behave? Yes.

        So Maureen stood up, and ability Jess scrambled for t her crashing down again.

        Noeran of tless similar situations, and he ropes.

        I dont bloody know.

        didnt occur to any of us t a     t point iy of our situation: urning a solemn and private moment into a farce    of thousands.

        And at t precise moment of acceptance, e cougurned round to look, all, good-looking, long-en years you under one arm and one of ted bags in ther.

        Any of you guys order a pizza? he said.

        MAUREEN    I d never met an Ameri before, I dont t at all sure il t expect Ameris to be delivering pizzas, do you? ell, I dont, but per out of touc order pizzas very often, but every time I     speak Englis deliver take your money on t do in America, but t    Indians, lots of Australians in tal    no Ameris. So     mad at first. t ion for    mad,     t oppers house.

        ill sitting on her, so her voice sounded funny.

        On a cell, he said.

        s a cell? Jess asked.

        OK, a mobile, wever.

        Fair play to .

        Are you Ameri? Jess asked him.

        Yeah.

        are you doing delivering pizzas?    are you guys doing sitting on ting on my    a free try, Jess said.

        You t do    to.

        did you hing.

        So jump, Martin said.

        So were you! he ignored her.

        You he pizza man asked us.

        e didnt say anything.

        the f—? he said.

        t? Its an Ameri abbreviation, said Martin.    "t; means " t; In America, t t ime to say t;;.

        ould you co t all brougy.

        t sat do    later old us it    t at all.

        OK, er a w her go.

        e didnt move.

        ening to me? Am I gonna o e over and make you listen? ood up and owards us.

        I tin said, as if o stand up of    because t puncood up, and I stood up, and Jess stood up and brus. tared at Martin.

        Youre t bloke, s tV bloke. t een-year-old. Martin Sin Sting on my .

        ell, of course I didnt    any fifteen-year-old. I dont look at t sort of ne one on the bus.

        You kidding me? said t to prison? I read about him.

        Martin made a groaning noise. Does everyone in Ameriooo? he said.

        Sure, t it in times.

        Oin, but you could tell he leased.

        I    kidding, said to present a breakfast tV s real.

        Give us some pizza, t flavours ? I dont knohe pizza man.

        Let me hen, said Jess.

        No, I mean… t my pizzas, you kno tarted poking the pizzas.

        t kno is tables.

        Vegetarian, said tever, said Jess. s arian. t    agree h me.

        JJ    I told a couple people about t nig t t, but t get t. Most people get suicide, I guess; most people, even if its ime in t about o    day. anting to die seems like it mig of being alive. So anyell people tory of t Ne? You s more, you ko do your    place… Sure, I    see    sed, t to know w a guy like me was doing delivering fug pizzas.

        OK, you dont knoake my    t Im not stupid. I read t of every book I    get my    and Brendan Be o be precise - Id finisionary Road by Rices, ally aually going to jump    only because it le mystique to my deat because it migting more people to read it.

        But t, I didnt ion time, and I left it at o say, t I    reend finis on Cmas Day, in like a cold-er bedsit, in a city    probably didnt    I mean, because the ending is a real downer.

        Any is, people jump to t anyone driving around Nortty little moped on ainly oagione s of ttro. ell, OK, ion, because delivering pizzas is a job for losers. But    all dumb ass, even    out of all t    least t educated. e got Afri doctors, Albanian la    uand    more pizza-related violen our society. Just imagine: youre like top o e to England because t regime s to nail your ass to a tree, and you end up being patro toee you be legally entitled to break o be a loser. than one way of losing.

        So I could say t I    because Im not an Englisalian guy, or a Spanisever. So I or of Casa Luigi on    care t I o say t s oo small, too dark and airless and fug o crao.

        trouble ion is t    good enougeac doing someto be somets our inalienable rigizens of ty-first tury. If a Aguilera or Britney or some Ameri Idol jerk    be somet I?    on t live sid not many real people liked. But alent is never enougo make us ? I mean, it salent is a gift, and you s, but I didnt. It just pissed me off because I    being paid for it, and it did me on tone.

        Oscar ilde once said t ones real life is often t lead. ell, fug rig embley and Madison Square Garden and platinum records, and Grammies, and t    t felt like I could t a let me be, I dont kno didnt eve me stand up properly. It felt like Id been u ting narroed to ser, and I ools I     ts no reason to stick . Aen sick of it, finally. My fingernails ips of my fingers    for self-expression o fly off t fug roof like Superman. Except, of course, it didnt    like t.

        Some dead people, people ive to live: Sylvia Plat Cobain, of course. Some alive people: Gee . Bus a cross o t    to he alive side.

        And, yea out t I acked t t , a fes and musis and so on. And you could also point out t Stalin and ler    so great, and th us.

        But indulge me anyalking about. Sensitive people find it o stick around.

        So it    Maureen, Jess and Martin S to take t Van Goge out of t didnt jump off top of a Nortment building.) A middle-aged id a talk-s    didnt add up. Suicide    ied for people like this.

        It ed for people like Virginia oolf and Nick Drake. And me.

        Suicide o be cool.

        Neal losers. It upid fault. Of course t croe - like Marcook o ts, t t. It    t o deliver to t in toppers unity seemed too good to turn down.

        My plan o o top, take a look around to get my bearings, go back doo deliver t.

        And suddenly tential suicides munco deliver and staring at me. tly expeg some kind of Gettysburg address about     give a fuck    knoo add muco total of .

        So, I said. Great. Pizza. A small, good t like this.

        Raymond Carver, as you probably kno it ed on these guys.

        Now w? said Jess.

        e eat our pizza.

        t give it . I dont knoo hen?

        Everyone needs a little time out. Looks to me like tting undignified up y minutes? Is t agreed? One by o back to c time I ried one of Ivans. It was inedible, maybe even poisonous.

        Im not fug sitting    your fug     miserable faces, said Jess.

        ts    te agreed to do, Martin reminded her.

        So    of agreeing to do somet doing it? No point. Jess ly untroubled by the cession.

        sistency is t refuge of tive, I said. ilde again.

        I could.

        Jess glared at me.

        o you, said Martin.

        t in anyts why were up here.

        See, noty iing p. Jess    as long as op, s ention.

        to live outside t be , I said.

        t mean? said Jess.

        You kno means, to tell you trut, not me, and Id al it sounded good. But t situation Id ever been in    to test, and I could see t it didnt side teetime ed, and I    sure w.

        Nothing, I said.

        S up, then, Yankee boy.

        And I did. tely ty-eiges of our time out remaining.

        A long time ago, elly about tory of tles. Jen liked tles, so sc, but I didnt mind. (I probably told    of felt ttle s , t o go off a famous group in ory. ell, ts     saying t because it sounds good, but Im not. I kne    ar,    and all t, but my feeling    anyto do    mean t I could tell    rig Ringo, t s very funny. I    I    sual. Martied or cool. t it, maybe .

        Any just felt like somet eresting, and so I couldnt uand ting ting pizza slices. So I in goes, , supid, so I called utted and asked me    in called me a stupid, mean little girl, so I spat at     do anytle me, and so JJ jumped iin, because I dont t me, ely ten and scratcer t little fluffle of activity    ting eac.

        And t sure . And Martin ed in your experiences? Your experiences are delivering pizzas.

        And JJ goes, ell, your experie mine. But it oo late, and I could tell from    you? And    say anytin and Maureen looked at in just goes, ere you going to jump in     airs to deliver before ing back up again. And I said, ell, en tin goes, Gos seem like type, and JJ said, If you guys are type t say Im sorry. tell, a lot of, like, badness in the air.

        So I tried again. Os talk, I said. No need for pain-sharing.

        Just, you knoing. e mig see a , kind of to admit I    of plan. My plan    t back togetter.

        But t, because ted Maureen to go first.

        I t really said anyt rubbed anyone up t. And also, maybe, because I erious tin everyone seemed to kno from t you could tell t t JJ,    kno        of Ameris are gay people, arent t i gayness, because t    t bato fas like t disappeared in aimes, and t it ba tietury. Any kno gays, so I just presumed ted to kill t me… You couldnt really tell anyt me from looking at me, so I they were curious.

        I didnt mind talking, because I ko say very much.

        None of ted my life. I doubted    for as long as I s aloilet bit t upsets people. o moan before - i-depressants, for example - I alion toilet bit, t needs doing most days. Its funny, because its t Ive got used to. I t get used to t my life is finisless, too ely     t really s als tor reachough.

        Os a no-brainer. Dont c it.

        Some people cope, said Martin.

        ho? said Jess.

        e y-five years.

        And t    tV s saying.

        are you just saying? Im just saying it    be done.

        Youre not saying whough, are you? Maybe she loved him.

        tin and Jess and JJ. Like people in a soap opera, bang bang bang. Like people o say. I could never    quickly, not t made me realize t Id    all for ty-odd years. And to most couldnt speak back.

        o love? Jess    even an aable. A vegetable in a a.

        be a vegetable if    in a a, would in.

        I love my son, I said. I didnt    to t.

        Yes, said Martin. Of course you do. e dido imply otherwise.

        Do you    us to kill onig. Before I kill myself. I dont mind. No skin off my nose.

        And its not like    muco live for, is it? If , poor sod.

        My eyes filled ears, and JJ noticed.

        are you, a f— idiot? o Jess. Look w youve done.

        So-rry, said Jess. Just an idea.

        But t        to live, ty to die. And knowing w made me cry more.

        MARtIN    Everyone bloody kne me, so I did of told t.

        Oating Ameri    doesnt take long, I find, to be irritated by Yanks. I kno success over teful natives of t all t cool-daddio stuff gets on my e est movie. You certainly    ttering around Archway delivering pizzas.

        e just    to , said Jess.

        t a "my side". I    and Im paying the price.

        So you dont    to defend yourself? Because youre among friends here, said JJ.

        S spat at me, I pointed out.    kind of a friend is t? O be sug at me. I ake it personally.

        Maybe you ss end it to be taken.

        Jess snorted. If I took it personally, I    .

        e let t one he air.

        So    to kno you dont knoo every story, said Jess. e only knohe bad side.

        I didnt know seen, I said. Sold me seen.

        Seen. t . t ory.

        So if s be up    suppose I    he law.

        ouldnt o prison. ouldnt    my job, my    …     So youre saying it    bad luck.

        Id say tain degree of culpability involved. tell you, an attempt at dry uatement; I didnt kno Jess is at    he bleeding obvious.

        Just because youve sionary, it doesnt mean youve dohing wrong, said Jess.

        ts ;culpability"… Because some married men    ter    kids and all,    you? I have indeed.

        So bad lucks got noto do .

        O over t trying to make excuses for myself. I feel so c to die.

        I should hope so.

        trodug too. Very helpful.

        Very… curative.

        Anoty look.

        Im ied in something, said JJ.

        Go on.

        easier to like leap into to face up to o w Ive done.

        People are alheir wives and kids.

        t all jump off of buildings, man.

        No. But like Jess says, maybe they should.

        Really? You take of ts some , said JJ.

        Did I really t? Maybe I did. Or maybe I    kly t, more or less. turally. Id called for toration of ty, for example. Id called fnations and crations and prisoences and publis and penances of every kind. And maybe I    it rousers sually, I t remember    te punis ion. But t is t I ising o keep my trousers, so noo my o o pay if you abloid nist whe line youd drawn.

        Not every mistake, no. But maybe this one.

        Jesus, said JJ. Youre real tough on yourself.

        Its not just t, anys tion. t of tion. tV ss c of room. I t see any way forward or back.

        tful silence, for about ten seds.

        Rigurn.

        I launc , My names Jess and Im eig I doo go into. And t up ion. Because    say anyt . But if ion Id feel better, I t.

        Except I t find    ty doairs looking for    there. So I came up here.

        And Martin goes, all sarcastic, Yoing to kill yourself because C turn up at a party? Jesus.

        ell, I never said t, and I told ion, t it?

        rying to make me sound stupid, and t    fair, because        to eac let me be on breakfast television any more. Oable and I dont talk to anyone and I o    up    make Maureen sound stupid. But it seemed to me t taking t on. You could aken t of all four of us; you    take t of anyone whos unhappy, if youre cruel enough.

        So I go, t    ion migop me. I didnt say it    op you. But youre not up o railings, are you?

        t s .

        JJ ed to find C I    because id Duaking t it? But    knoy or anot you go looking for ead of fug around up    of energy and    I kne rue.

        I dont kno you is, youre reading t kno kno of    youll maybe smile to yourself o yourself, O feels. But you t, you smug old git. O remember feeling sort of pleasantly sad. You migening to musid eating ces in your room, or    on your oer coat and feeling lonely and brave. But    you remember    felt like you ing into your oomach?

        you remember taste of red    came back up and into toilet boill toget alking to you gently and touc every m    all ain?    you remember carving ials in your arm ding too close to tform?

        No? ell, fug s up tick your smile up ygy old arse.

        JJ    I o just like splurge, tell em everyto knoo lie. I guess I felt a little queasy listening to tty solid. Jesus, everyone uood in    even so, t level of ion and s if Id uck around as long as s. So it    like people itive, exactly, but tain amount of, I dont kn out territory?

        And maybe I felt a little insecure because Martin co be tion guy, but my sion o look a little pale. een-year-old, and fucked over in tabloids; Id been dumped by a girl, and my band    going anywhere. Big fug deal.

        Still, I didnt til I rouble    lost my nerve.

        So, I said. OK. Im JJ, and… oss t stand for? People al to knoials are for, and I ell te my name.    ed guys, and    too mucime listening to t-ies, Joes millions of books about like cuff. And ts me. Jo of school and form a band? Yep.

        Is Jo? Nope. JJ is OK, though. JJs cool enough.

        ts my business. Anyway, Im JJ, and Im    w your name is.

        until I find somet tells me. Your passport or bank book or somet find anyt steal somet give it batil youve coughed up.

        Jesus C.    gives his girl?

        Youd rat tials?     Yeae not knohings.

        I dont knoin. But if youre really troubled by your o than JJs name.

        s t supposed to mean? Do you kno. As if a secrets, are t like not knos. I could find t otuff out any time I felt like it, and I dont feel like it.

        If     to tell us,     to tell us. Do your friends call you JJ? Yeah.

        ts good enough for us.

        Snot good enough for me, said Jess.

        Just belt up a alk, said Martin.

        But for me, t    of truth, anyway, ha ha.

        I could tell I    going to get a fair ility ing off Jess and Martin, and these waves were breaking everywhere.

        I stared at te.

        So? said Jess. You fotten ten, I said.

        ell, fug spit it out then.

        Im dying, I said.

        See, I    Id run into tty sure t sooner or later rudge back doairs or jump off ter, scale of problem etcetera. It really never occurred to me t to e bad repeat on me like a pickle in a Big Mac.

        Yea look great, said Jess.    you got? AIDS? AIDS fitted t for mont … Id , and its not t.

        AIDS I kney seds after Jesss question - e?

        Leukemia? t. Im only a joke killer disease. Im not serious enougo offend anyone.

        I got like ts called CCR. er Revival, one of my all-time favorite bands, and a big inspiration to me. I didnt them looked like big Creedence fans.

        Jess oo young, I really dido    Maureen, and Martin    if Id told him I was dying of incurable ABBA.

        Its like ial et.

        t sounded ab.

        Is t? Maureen asked.

        Oake a pill. Its just t    be arsed. Der.

        ts fr abuse. Drugs and alcos all my o.

        You must feel a bit of a berk, then, said Jess.

        I do, I said. If "berk" means asshole.

        Yeah. Anyway, you win.

        o me ond for all t a petitive edge had snu.

        Really? I leased.

        Os, you knorumps! Youve got trumps, man.

        Id say t al disease in. t-miserable bastard game. Not much use anywhere else.

        ? Jess asked.

        I dont know.

        Roug like off top of your head.

        S up, Jess, said Martin.

        ed to knoh.

        ere not dealing .

        Not very well, Jess said.

        deal h being dumped.

        e fell into a ile silence.

        ell, said Martin. So. hen.

        Now w? said Jess.

        Yoing art, said Martin.

        Like fuck I am. o marchere.

        Ill go ion.

        Go on.

        You .

        All of us? Yeaoo young to do t. You said.

        Im not sure I , looking back, said Martin. Youre , now.

        So its OK if I go over? Sarted to ohe roof.
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