And I didnt knoe me and all t. alk ten. I just t t if I told to hey could do.

        So t moment,    of like t t    as    cetera. But you kno of rainy day box? For example, you t    any more, top myself. One day, if Im really fug up badly, t     give up and ask Mum and Dad to bail me out. Anyal rainy day box y no t all time.

        So, I did uations. I told my mum to fuck off and I told my dad to fuck off and t, even to be talking to someone elses friends and family afterwards.

        And t up to top of tairs, I felt stupid, but it oo late to go back d treet and into t on t train t came. No one cer me.

        JJ    te I sa basement, I felt trollable little flicker of ! to rescue me! t of tting up fig toe apartment t sed for ts ment ing and decorating! And…    old guy talking to Jess? Could ive? . ter I found out t Lizzie ead and his own graphic design pany.

        I snapped out of it pretty quick. tement in t t    about my future. I could see love t made me feel a little teary, to tell you trutime so t t see me being a    to a Starbucks basement because told to e to a Starbucks basement, ahem had any idea why.

        s up, man? said Ed. I    doing so good.

        Yeaurn up. I ed to say somet t Mica I dido get on my case even before alked.

        Noturn up ta e home.

        I didnt    to o go into ty-day t.

        Look at you, I said. ,    of money, and a pair of ill long, it looked kind of    date ty.

        I never really ed to look like I used to look. I looked like t because I ayed anyw shower.

        Lizzie smiled politely. It    and your sed o see you in tal.

        I never pegged you for a quitter, Ed said.

        you say. tters Club hQ.

        Yea from    ? You got nothing, man.

        Yup. ts pretty muc feels.

        t    .

        Anyone    a coffee? said Lizzie.

        I didnt    o go.

        Ill e h you, I said.

        ell all go, said Ed. So , and Lizzie and I kept not talking, and Ed kept talking, and it felt like t couple years of my life, densed into a line for a latte.

        For people like us, roroll is like college, said Ed after    get to fuck around like frat boys unless    a fearts to suck, and tarts to suck, and arts to suck. So you get a job. ts life, man.

        So, t s to suck… ts like our college degree. raduation.

        Exactly.

        So o start sug for Dylan? Or Springsteen? Probably el t doesnt alloo use    er until six p.m.

        It rue t on our last tour, ayed in a motel like t in Sout I remember t.

        Anyeen. Or at least, I sa reunion tour. And, Senator JJ, youre nsteen.

        thanks, pal.

        S, JJ.    do you    me to say? OK, you are Springsteen. Youre one of t successful performers in music business ory. You ime and Neadiums niger fug nigter now? Jeez. Grow up, man.

        O, and youre all groook pity on you and gave you a job V? Eds ears get red o start throwing punches.

        tion is probably of no use to anyone in t from me, because, for obvious reasons,    tend to form real deep attacs to people    seem to stick around long enougo duck.

        Your ears are getting red, I said.

        Fuck you.

        You fleo tell me t? Fuck you.

        Stop it, t say for sure, but I seem to remember t last time togething.

        tco say o, and udent, and alked about music a couple times. e Stripes a lot, and Id been trying to get o listen to Muddy aters and t a little.

        Listen, I said to Ed. I e . You s go outside.

        te Stripes guy. I mean, you kno anyone else o look after ulars. But… ured at the line behind us.

        No, no, I uand, man, I said. thanks.

        Ser     take long. er hes landed a good one.

        Fuck you.

        So    out on to treet. It , but Eds ears tle torche gloom.

        I    seen or spoken to Penny si fondly of    I    really missed o be prepared for ty t it mig for early retirement and never return to its place of ed of JJ, Maureen and Jess,    t it    least because to suffice for time being. Ays nurses, I felt untrollably angry.

        t a paradox, if you kno ty of ure. (I believe I    line before, and as a seque is probably beginning to seem a little less autative and psycute. ime, I s oo ty and tency, and leave ure out of it.) Jealousy is likely to seize a man at any time, and in any case tall, and young, and tanned, and blond. t rollably angry if anding on    of Starbucks, or indeed anywhere in London.

        I rospect, almost certainly looking for an excuse to leave ted, I tle about myself in tes. ers crayons ructive as Jess might have wished.

        to Penny.

        Os OK. I    doing anyto t might help.

        No, I said, immediately at sometage. Not t. tanding ing in front of me. ther words.

        teper Matty, and    o talk to, so I came over to say hello.

        ep him.

        I suppose you tty great, I said.

        Im sorry? he said.

        Martin! said Penny.

        You .

        I    over in ture, tin - a kinder, gentler Martin - , and I o rejoin him.

        Go a of yourself, said Penny. It says a lot for Pennys generosity of spirit t sill saoance, and t I still ting out of tial observers    didnt matter, t moving.

        Its easy, being a male nurse, isnt it? Not very, said Stepary mistake of ansion as if it raig bile. I mean, its re… Long    ss. Some of tients are difficult. he shrugged.

        Some of tients are difficult, I said, in a stupid w ss. Diddums.

        Sean, Stepo ner. Im going to    upstairs. ttle out of the pram.

        You just    and listen to esy of listening to you banging on about ioo me.

        I dont taying wes.

        tionally bad beed a great deal of fasation, I could see t, and I    seem immodest y, or , o tacle: usually, television personalities only beclubs, ies, so my decision to cut loose arbucks basement,     as if Stepake it personally, just as    aken it personally if Id decided to crap on ations of an inner bustion are never very directed.

        I e people like you, I said. You    a medal. And , really? At t, I regret to say, I took ttys    idea to put my , in order to suggest t puse activity.

        Look at Daddy, Mummy, one of my daugo say t I dont knotractive to you again n at me as if I ep ansion.

        tracted all ttention I could possibly ? Arent I great? You tell you urned out, ty in my professional life readily to ies I ly all stemmed from sleeping    t t mug sympathy.

        needed someto finisence. Anyt experienced directly.

        ament-level othing came.

        e? Stephen asked.

        I rying someo vey in ture t I oo angry and disgusted to tinue. And took tion apparently available to me, and follo of the door.

        MAUREEN    Jess    of everyin… ell, I started to feel a bit ao tell you t trut seemed rude,    trouble to turn up. And Martin y up and doractive. tractive?    look attractive at all. o be fair to JJ, aken s    -    left tin    later on I found out t aken tside to        to decide    oo beat ts probably still rude, but not as rude as thers.

        t beood around for a little ins friends and family, and to realize t no one    even JJ and e sure o do.

        Is t it, do you t    to… I dont id I knoook a lot of trouble anizing t, , is to stay, Maureen? Is t? Because obviously, if t do you to a absentia? I kneer, in to. I used to    dream, a long time ago, ty, and I ts a dream t everyone has. Everyone whose life has gone badly wrong, anyway.

        So I told Jesss fat I t Jess just ed people to uaer, and t I     w had happened.

        Its t told me tory.

        ere to her? I said.

        to Jen? Or to Jess?     to Jen.

        I dont really know, he said.

        tes, said Mrs Crige face.

        Sime    it    afternoon - s    of face t looked as t o being c youd get from being angry about stolen earrings, and ight.

        S kno kno rue or not. But it felt like t to say. It felt true in t way.

        no     used to doing, because se to    I o say. I dont to listening properly. I liked making    ly. I felt like I ing a pato places whe grass was rown.

        Jen. If shem.

        You kno age are like.

        God, said Mr Cric of t.

        Me … t makes so mucs oo. t    missing.

        I didnt    t t ion for t.

        And I said at time t I t t take those.

        And t t sohan read a book.

        I could see and feel o t Jen o t    so texas or Scotland or Notting e, rat s meant t t    never see, ot     a job t t. It meant t in ts. Its ty ers and apes - I    for a moment.

        You could    all for to, rip enormous great big ory, because    add up to, really?

        Jen could ed to die wearing her earrings.

        S not    all. And sill gone, . O I knoo keep yourself going. t probably sounds funny, sidering    place. But t is t so far I    myself going, even if I o climb tairs to toppers o do it. Sometimes you just o give tiny little jiggle.

        You just o t per o t of the world looks like somewhere you could live in for a while.

        t    kno to look different. Son    of it, so you could say t t need any stories about earrings. You could say t stories about earrings ed on them.

        You could say all t, but it    be true. tories - you could see it in t ories to keep    person is Matty. (And maybe even    knoalking to    killing yourself. You    let parts of yourself die. Jesss mot e to life again.

        t train t came along    off at Londe and    for a    ter, youd    I . I mean, t just because t doesnt mean youre t like if youve got a pocket full of pe doesnt mean youre ricard, bitc, fuck, ty fast, too fast even for me to make a sente of ts not really t, is it?

        So I cer for a little o a stall by t some tobacd papers and matc back to    doo roll myself a feo do, sort of t knoo be . I fet, I ts to smoke,    me. Youd bet any mo I smoked like fuck, and I dont. Neion: smoke more. Its got to be better for you tower-blocks.

        Anyting do turer from college. -scies. eacypograp, and I    to a couple of il I got bored. I dont mind    ail and    . Ao be our friend,     say t about some of them.

        to tell tory trut o me. And to be really properly trut some of tal s entirely mental, if you see     to be mental, but some of it    t because t. It    of slopping out of me, as if t of a tap and running into a bucket (my    b tap off even w was full.

        ts    looked like from my point of vie looked like I ting on t rolling up fags and so myself, and ts not sue, and t my , and tarted talking to me quietly. And he was like, Jess? Do you remember me?

        Id only seen , No, and laugo be a joke, but o teac art college. And I go, Yea    my Yea, but it    t sort of Yeao tell    Id only been joking before, but I only made it    look like I t ending to be    earing, o do. So tion is going rigs like a supermarket trolley ime Im to pus takes     me in tion.

        And ting on tell    Id    some earrings, and    go    I could if I ed to. I could just get on to Angel and t I didnt    to. And , ell, I dont t     I urned into like a nutter, so I stood up quickly, whful and walked away.

        But to sally. And t t    it o be a nutter. Im not saying it    life - I do. I just mean t I    in on ting on pavements stes. Some of to e people, and I ed just about everyo ty mud    runs in tion minister, maybe its one of t skips a geion.

        And I didnt kno I could see suddenly t I rouble t. I kno sounds stupid, sidering Id t about killing myself, but t    for a laug , t tting by ternally    real? Not many more, he answer.

        So to do o go back - to Starbucks, or o some foro retrace your steps.

        But t of found a tle ever. I met t and slept ead.

        JJ    So I just stood told Ed to take a s me if it er.

        I dont    to    you unless you    me, he said.

        t anding g us.

        o me.

        You s the fuck up, said Ed.

        I rying to get tarted, said the homeless guy.

        You flelantic because JJ rouble, Lizzie said to Ed. And no you. One versation and you    to punch him.

        to go to go, said Ed.

        Is t like "A mans gotta do ta do"? Because it sounds utterly meanio us, Im afraid, said Lizzie. S t s like s I kne s    to s.

        doesnt matter    sounds like to you. ands.

        No I dont, I said. Lizzies rigo puncs a Butg, surely? said Lizzie.

        You    to sleep    you t, because youre bht.

        tickled tced it, he said.

        I got tions. I used to keep toilet, because t for dipping into whe .

        Anying to    particular guy at t particular moment. I looked at him.

        O born homeless, you know.

        I really, really dont    to sleep    to punc o punc.

        You see? said Lizzie. ic,    of sado-masoc kiss .

        Kiss o Ed. Kiss    lets get something going, fods sake.

        Eds ears couldnt ten any redder, so I    burst into flame and turn black. At least t Id seen something new.

        Y to get me killed? I said to her.

        you just get back toget least youve got all t mike-s big electriis substitutes.

        Os    o be in a band, said Ed. You were jealous.

        o be in a band? Lizzie asked him.

        Yea t dead    deep. S in a band. S ied in being ar and made a sload of money.

        Is t ? said Lizzie.

        I could suddenly see my life being put back toget errible misuanding, o be cleared up, er and many tears. Lizzie never ed to break up ed to break up    on to to get my ass kicked, and instead, I o get everyted.

        t going to be a fighe homeless guy sadly.

        Unless    t out of you, said Ed.

        Just let me    go baside. I never get tory, stuck out here.

        It o be a    ing. And it o involve all four of us. t s back togete a song to oasts at t back    it.

        t , every couple . . too muc is,    people splitting up every ten seds.

        Ed looked at me as if I s.

        Youre not serious, said Lizzie.

        Maybe Id misjudged t. t ready for my big closing speech.

        Naaas just… an idea I    ironed out all t, yet.

        Look at .

        gre of other bands? said Ed.

        Like, I dont kno back toget ers o split up. theyd be unhappy.

        Not all of em, I pointed out.

        And    searriages? there are loads of happy searriages.

        trummer ay in    band.

        And ill be h her, said Lizzie.

        Yea    have been a bad life.

        But s a ogeteen years.

        Oone of voice t    punch you.

        e tle    to a pub, and Ed boug a paokes from t it doable for us to s sat t me as if ting for me to catch.

        I didnt realize you felt t bad, Ed said after a while.

        t    a clue? Yeaed to kill yourself. But I didnt kno so bad t you ed to patcs t level of misery, way beyond suicide.

        Lizzie tried not to laug produced a ing noise, and I took a long pull on my Guinness.

        And suddenly, just for a moment, I felt good. It    I really love cold Guinness; it    I really love Ed and Lizzie. Or I used to love ted tever. And maybe for t time in t fe dos, or at t, ao kill myself not because I ed living, but because I loved it. And trutter is, I t a lot of people s i its all fucked up for ts s    find a o life, and being s out of it like t… It just fug destroys you, man.

        So its like an act of despair, not an act of nis a mercy killing, not a murder. I dont kno to me. Maybe because I    I fug love Guinness, like I love pretty muc as it sion. A, and even t imes its moments like t, real plicated moments, abs moments, t make you realize t even imes    make you feel alive. And tato c even read Martin C yet, and… ty out there.

        And I dont kno made, this sudden flash.
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