Lindo Jong
My dauged to go to ow she is afraid.
" if I blend in so ; averly asked me. " if t let me e back to ted States?"
"o C; I told ;you dont eveo open your moutsider."
" are you talking about?" ser likes to speak back. So question w I say.
"Aii-ya," I said. "Even if you put on take off your makeup and c belong."
My daug look pleased o be C is so fas is too late. All tried to teacil so to scalk to people in , eat, close lighink she blend in? Only her skin and her hair are ese. Inside—she is all Ameri-made.
Its my fault sed my co bination: Ameri circumstances and Cer. mix?
I taugances ing s in line for a sco cry over t. You do not o sit like a Buddree letting pigeons drop ty business on your o keep tances somebody else gives you.
S I couldnt teac Cer. o obey parents and listen to your mot to ss, to put your feelings beake advantage of unities. o kno, never flas around like a c.
No, t stick to oo busy d of tuck.
"Finis; I told erday. "Dont t;
"Dont be so old-fas; sold me, finis;Im my o;
And I think, how she be her own person? hen did I give her up?
My daugting married a sed time. So so go to y parlor, lahis backward old ese woman?
"Auntie An-mei cut me," I say.
"Rory is famous," says my daug;;
So I sit in Mr. Rorys cil I am t . ter criticizes me as if I t;See s flat on one side," s;S and a perm. And tint in at ;
S Mr. Rory in t me in t really look at one anotalking. talk to tions. t otc turo t see ts.
" it?" asked Mr. Rory. uand Englising hicker and longer.
"Ma, it?" er translating Engliss: "Ss a soft it too s. Otll be too tig it to look kinky or ;
And n too tig;
I smile. I use my Ameri face. ts t uand. But inside I am being aser and I am proud of s proud of me.
Mr. Rory pats my me. my daugo my daug really displeases ;Its uny ;
I smile, time my daug pulls itself small just before it bites. No t;as!"
So my daugy parlor. S her.
"t; ss to mine and tside in to look like a starved person. Ss to mine, side by side, and eache mirror.
"You see your cer in your face," I say to my daug t;You see your future."
" do you mean?" she says.
And s.
I am seeing myself and my mother, ba a, when I was a young girl.
My motold me my fortune, er could lead to good and bad circumstances. Sting at able anding being on day art of ten years by my t birt criticize me too muc my face.
Souc;You are lucky," s;You s of meat at ttom, full of blessings. Some people are born so poor. to to t ears, but you must listen to your opportunities."
S;You too big, so your money be running out. traigune. S luck."
Sapped my ot too s, not too long. Our loy e, not cut off too soon, not so long ;
S;e are t; cluded my mot;Pero me. But look at my er you o ;
Sook my ed my face to;t, eager," s;t. t look do and turn te er-in-la;
old me till so young. And eveo look more t up and looked surprised, I ed my eye to do too ed to feel unhappy.
I ed us: a flood t caused my family to leave me be marriage to a family t did not me, a er, a took me to a nery. S see o droop. o still did not lose my o follo see t I ted my nose boung foro co give many to God for all our blessings, but I o subtrae for my nose.
Its o keep your C to rue self. I paid an Ameri-raised Co show me how.
"In America," s;you ot say you to live t say you admire t say you to be a sco teac you ;
" s to learn?" I asked. "If tions, if I ot ans;
&quion, you must say you to study religion," said t girl. "Ameris all ideas abion, so t and o t you."
For anot o copy t to te Lindo Suo tE, I e May 11, 1918, er t to t doaiyuan, C to tION, I e student of theology.
I gave t of addresses in San Francisco, people ions. And finally, trus for ces. "First," s;you must find a izen is best."
S;C be does not mean Caucasian. But if a citizen, you sely do matter iates. ake care of you in your old age, isnt t true?" And h laughed.
"Be careful, t; s;ties t say no. You s married, you are religious, you kno is o ;
I must ;Look it is not supposed to do? And o is an Ameri citizen and do anyt s. It ask its moto stay. Isnt t true?"
But t is not telling truth?
See rutill looks. I give to you? ell your friends t I arrived iates on a slo from C true. I t poor. I took a plane. I me aelepor. But it is true I did not take test plaook t stopped everyime I arrived, I did not look sincerely glad to be here.
ell people t I met your fat I broke open a fortune cookie and it said I si true! Your fat a er, I e in t restaurant. t said "C; so only Ameris t orn do is a Malds restaurant says mai dong lou—"; "east," "building." All nonseracted only to derstand my real circumstances, my Che way you are.
ions. ties looked at my papers and stamped me in. I decided to go first to a San Francisco address given to me by t me doreet reet. I all building. t. Marys. Uen Cers, someone ;A Co Save Gs from Spiritual U 7 A.M. and 8:30 A.M." I memorized tion in case ties asked me . It ed on tside of a s building: "Save today for tomorro Bank of America." And I t to myself, t so dumb! today t c o be, noall building, fifty stories o-be work and look down on everybody.
My daugher make a good joke.
So I kept , as trao a great Buddemple. But opped acks of tile roofs, no s ried to make everyty or an emperors tomb. But if you looked oend-pagodas, you could see treets became narroy. I t to myself, Cs for t tead? O cave or a side it uff.
So by time I found t to expeucside stairs and old me riged ime ing for me all o me, keeping after I took t it and said, "Syaujye"—Miss—"arve on t; So I gave ;Aii, you t is so easy getting tion?" So I gave h.
itment on ason Street. It ting on top of a little store. And t, I found a terrible job paying me seventy-five ts ao get a job as a salesgirl, but you o knoried for anotess, but ted me to rub my aitutes in C address out o ionson and toisricts, souto make tune and ill o t-grandchildren.
So my mot about my ory . Big black mac p little pancakes onto moving round griddles. t on ools, and as ttle pancakes by, griddle just as turned golden. e a strip of paper is arms back just as it turned oo soon, you , doug if you grabbed too late, te t bend. And to takes in a barrel, you because those only as scraps.
After t day, I suffered ten red fingers. t a job for a stupid person. You o learn fast or your fingers urn into fried sausages. So t day only my eyes burned, from aki, my arms ac ready to catc just t moment. But by t became mindless ice ained very feakes. But I suspected se te plump.
"E; so me over teful to o discover ;Did you ever termine someone elses fortune?" she asked.
I didnt uand aloud, first in Englis;Do not figy laundry in public. to t; translated in C;You s fig time. If you dirty."
I still did not kno of all evil. Look around you and dig deep." And t;Money is a bad influence. You bee restless and rob graves."
" is t; I asked ting trips of paper in my pocket, tudy these classical Ameri sayings.
"tunes," s;Ameri people te t;
"But ;t make se forturus."
"No, Miss," s;it is our bad fortuo be uo pay to get t;
So t is An-mei ie An-mei, noe useful in ch a husband.
"E; An-mei said to me one day at our ;e to my c a citizen, but Im sure o make one." So t is tin Jong, your fat like my first marriage, to marry o a.
I kne rigonese! s said: "e are not in arry t parts of C; See ie An-mei is from those old days.
So , your fato speak to eacs. e to Englisogeto eacimes taking out a piece of paper to e a Cer to s . At least o oget its o tell someones marriage iions tle signs—teasing, ts is serious. But alk only in teac. I see rat. I see .
But I saing place telep kno your fat or? You didnt knoher had so much hair?
O later t. It so good. Even today, no I speak too your fat find a better situation. But s as if uand anything I said.
Sometimes I o catc t in my mind. S;In tes in class. ts o trouble. You o start trouble to get to realize entions. Ot es to ;
t evening An-mei and I to une cookie papers, trying to find t instrus to give to your fatting aside o mig;Diamonds are a girls best friend. Dont ever settle for a pal." "If sucs are in your s time to be ; "fucius say a ell your al."
e laug I kne one said: "A at ; I did not laug.
After sc afternoon, I put my ten my ;s t; I cried. t t to your fat;E to see take t;
I k did not e anyt in he piece of paper.
" does it say?" I asked. I tried to act as if it did not matter. And speak, I said, "translate, please."
e smout. So I o marry instead, ;I dont knoonigionary. tell you tomorro;
t day ;Lindo, you spouse me?" And I laug ly. So if tentions must also be o get married.
One monter d nine monter your fatizenson. I named on because I liked t;on." I ed to raise a son o myself, At last I ed. I er in a car act? So young! Only sixteen!
ter inston ," to t er t you were born.
I dont knoo c damaged my t ed everyto be better. I ed you to circumsta cer. I didnt you tret anyts reet ed you to t I also kreet, soon you ake a piee h you.
Mr. Rory is brus. Everything is black.
"You look great, Ma," says my daug;Everyo ter."
I look at my fa ty parlor mirror. I see my refle. I ot see my faults, but I ks. ter, it came from my circumstances. I look at my daug is t time I .
"Ai-ya! o your nose?"
S; do you mean? Not; s;Its just t;
"But it crooked?" I ask. One side of .
" do you mean?" s;Its your nose. You gave me t;
" be? Its drooping. You must get plastic surgery and correct it."
But my daugs to my ;Dont be silly. Our nose isnt so bad," s;It makes us look devious." She looks pleased.
" is t; I ask.
"It means our iions are different."
"People see t;
My daug;ell, not everyt kno;
"t;
"t ."
I t our t my iions. ter? If you s alher.
It is like o C year, after I been t forty years. I aken off my fancy je still, t one Cill charged me high fn prices.
So no did I lose? did I get ba return? I will ask my daug shinks.
Double face Up
A Pair of tickets
Jing-Mei oo
te our train leaves ters S. I feel tingling, my blood rus. I am being ese.
"ot be ; my moteen and I soever beloudied at a famous nursing setics. So t in : Once you are born C feel and think ese.
"Someday you ; said my mot;It is in your blood, ing to be let go."
And ant tag of DNA suddenly triggered, replig itself insidiously into a syndrome, a cluster of telltale barrass me—ore oo t t lemon yello good binations for er clothes.
But today I realize Ive never really kno means to be Cy-six years old. My motrain, carrying o a.
e are first going to Guangzy-t , kno of seeing or if its because noo button er and pat ting across from eaced by a little table ea. For t time I ever remember, my fatears in train ioned field of yelloracks, lo on tober m. And I t y eyes, as if I ime ago, and fotten.
Iells me is o ton t seems all ties I Ser in Guangzy t time.
ttle babies so abandon on a road as s old me about ters, so tting on tening to bombs ance red thumbs.
And it someone fouer came from So my mot t tical sisters transf from little babies into six-year-old girls. In my mind, ted o eac a table, taking turns ain pen. One e a ro Mama. e are alive. Ser te:e get us. Please hurry.
Of course t kno my mot. One minute salking to my fat tenants upstairs, sco evict te relatives from ute s, groping for tly to ttering hands.
So my fat oo open tter, a loer it turned out. And true mot a framed picture of old time my mot sao whey were finally found.
And tter so mucers calling my mot ter to my motie Lindo and asked o e bad tell my sisters, i my mother was dead.
But instead Auntie Lindo took tter to tie Ying and Auntie An-mei ragedy, of losing my mot ther could fulfill her dream.
So t te to my sisters in S;Dearest Daugoo ten you in my memory or in my . I never gave up to tell you everyt my life since I last sa to tell you to see you in C; t hers name.
It until all t t told me about my sisters, tter te back.
"t; I murmured. And I ers noen or eleven, jumping up and doed t ther was dead.
" ing in a letter?" said Auntie Lindo. "S be to tell t; And I t s.
But tarted dreaming, too, of my moters and o be found, I ers at t. tanding on tiptoes, looking anxiously, sing from one dark o anot off tantly, tical worried look.
"Jyejye, Jyejye. Sister, Sister. e are ; I saw myself saying in my poor version of ese.
"; till smiling, to stand be a bit, to tease a little and make peoples patience pull a little on ts. I ers s hiding.
"O must be Mama, no?" one of my sisters ing to anotely engulfed in a tos. And t, too, ains of gifts, food, and toys for sale—ss er turning to sers, "Calvin Klein, 100% ;
I imagined myself starting to say, "Sisters, I am sorry, I ; and before I could tell t in my face—ted in pain, as tting ba the plane and ing home.
After I imes— from o anger—I begged Auntie Lindo to e anotter. And at first she refused.
" e t; said Auntie Lindo ubborn look.
"But its cruel to ; I said. "s just me, te me."
"e you? ot be." S;You are ter, t;
"You dont uand," I protested.
" I dont uand?" she said.
And I s appreciate ;
And Auntie Lindo looked satisfied and sad at time, as if true and I . S doter. Sears in tten t to read it.
"t; I whispered.
t t buildings, old factories, and tracks and more tracks filled rains like ours passing by in te dire. I see platforms croern clots tle cops and pants t stop mid-calf. e are in Guangzhou.
Before train even es to a stop, people are bringing dos. For a moment tcases laden s to relatives, ring to keep tents from spilling out, plastic bags filled ables and packages of dried mus in a stream of people rusil ing to go toms. I feel as if I ting on to bus in San Francisco. I am in C bot feels rigart pusoo.
I take out tion forms and my passport. "oo," it says at top, and belo, "June May," ; in 1951. I oms people ion ure, my c bad artfully styled. I am ed t in October. And noo dark circles and everyt like layers of grease. So today my face is plain, unadorned except for a t of s on my forehead and nose.
Even makeup, I could never pass for true d five-foot-six, and my I am eye level only ourists. My motold me my came from my grandfat;t yrandmotold me," explained my mot;But no is too late to ask s, your uncles, and tions in one instant."
Ster-of-factly t I t sten over any grief shey were all dead.
"Maybe t t; I suggested.
"No," said my mot;Our you and I."
"But ;
"ot be," said my motime almost angrily. And to talk as if srying to remember back to t looking up to a t, ories of burnt bricks and o to to sleep in, really just a metal frame ted up at one er. And a book, I dont knoeacup tle girl, I doll, seeing it all alone in tore it for me. It could turn its legs and arms. t my family o my you niece, because s doll doll, s ing togets ;
toms bootares at my dots, t me briefly, and s stamps everyternly nods me along. And soon my fatcases. I feel lost and my father looks helpless.
"Excuse me," I say to a man ell me axi?" sounds Swedisch.
"Syau Yen! Syau Yen!" I from be beret is ic bag filled ris. I guess srying to sell us somet my fataring do tiny sparroing into tle boy.
"Aiyi! Aiyi!"—Auntie Auntie!—ly.
"Syau Yen!" y great-aunt. I ts funny s called my fat;Little ild Goose." It must be o disce gs from stealing children.
t aking turns saying, "Look at you! You are so old. Look ; t time, and I bite my lip, trying not to cry. Im afraid to feel t our arrival in Somorrow, will feel.
Nos to a Polaroid picture of my fat pictures one as sure to my fatter, my fatel oo meet us. I ers t.
It is only t I remember t to take a picture of my fat t t. Its not too late.
"and toget; I say, . Aiyi and my fatill stand close togeture, . t reverentially quiet. Aiyi is only five years older ty-seven. But s, se, eetories of yself.
Noo me: "Jandale." So big already. S me, at my full , and to ic bag—s to us, I —as if s so me, no I am so old and big. And turns me around. A man and ies are s;A; t son and andio ttle girl rodus go by so fast, all I kno one of ter, tle girl is Lili, Aiyis great-granddaughter.
Aiyi and my fat from t t of tonese of tand only Mandarin but t speak it t rained in Mandarin, exc people from top only occasionally to talk to t of us, sometimes in tonese, sometimes in English.
"O is as I suspected," says my faturning to me. " summer." And I already uood t dont knoions and translators had run amok.
"; I say to ttle girl. "My name is Jing-mei." But ttle girl squirms to look ao laug. I try to tonese o uff I learned from friends in Co all I terms for bodily funs, and s p;tastes good," "tastes like garbage," and "s; And tely jumps for , and flasootake ture sandio me, jumping and giggling every few seds as sche greenish film.
By time o tel, Lili is igo my hand, pulling me along.
In taxi, Aiyi talks nonstop, so I o ask t sights assing by.
"You e and said you ; says Aiyi to my fatated tone. "One day! oiso call us welep;
My races a little. I ie Lindo told my sisters el in Shanghai?
Aiyi tio sy fat;I turned rying to t o take toiso Guangz yart."
And norucks and buses, antly. e seem to be on some sort of long freey. I see roer roments, eactered to dry on tig t must be doo looks like a major Ameri city, ru going on every of ty, I see scores of little sers and ss front laced ogetic strips. Men and anding on narroforms, scraping t safety straps or s. Ohink.
Aiyis s;So it is a s see our village, our e successful, selling etables in t. e feo build a big ories, all of neer. You Ameris arent to get ric;
taxi stops and I assume t at t Regency. "t C; I loud. And to;t be tel." I quickly pull out our itinerary, travel tickets, and reservations. I ly instructed my travel agent to cy-to-forty-dollar range. Im sure of t says on our itinerary: Garden el, ravel agent ter be prepared to eat tra, ts all I o say.
tel is magnifit. A bellboy plete o carry s into tel looks like an y of saurants all encased in granite and glass. And rat t must give Aiyi, t our luxuries even for one night.
But o tion desk, ready to ake, it is firmed. Our rooms are prepaid, ty-four dollars eaced by our temporary surroundings. Lili is looking an arcade filled h video games.
Our or, and t us oor door ss, everybody bees very quiet, and on w sounds like relieved voices. I or ride.
Our rooms are o eacical. taupe. television e-trol panels built into table bet-in bar or stocked tles of Jos of M & Ms, ed case bars. And again I say out loud, "t C;
My fato my room. "t stay ," ;trouble t ime to talk."
" about dinner?" I ask. I real any days already, a big ba eaming out of a carved er melon, che works.
My fat to a travel & Leisure magazine. s to t;t t," says my father.
So its decided. e are going to dionigh our family, sharing hamburgers, french fries, and apple pie ?la mode.
Aiyi and er a ride on train, Im eager for a shes.
tel tle packets of send color of , I this is a. And I rub some in my damp hair.
Standing in t time Ive been by myself in instead of feeling relieved, I feel forlorn. I t activating my genes and being C s.
Riger my mot of t couldnt be anso force myself to grieve more. It seemed as if I ed to sustain my grief, to assure myself t I had cared deeply enough.
But noions mostly because I to kno pork stuff so make t exture of sa? all t ers? All times me, t I ?
At one oclo to tapping sounds on t self. Im sitting on t one of t to me. too, spra o a little table, looking very sleepy. And my fataring out tapping time I listened my fatelling Aiyi about saer got a post my moter fled togeto So try to find my mot traveled eventually to ton and to o San Francisco….
"Suyuan didnt tell me srying all to find ers," voice. "Naturally, I did not discuss ers s t;
"; asks Aiyi. ";
I am s of tory from my mothers friends.
"It ook over K; says my father.
"Japanese in K; says Aiyi. "t be. to K;
"Yes, t is ed. I kno time. tang often told us say. But o Kon railal."
Aiyi looks astonis;If people did not kno;
"An officer of taly ;Suyuans officers and t to be killed. So s, sers and fled on foot. t even one year old."
"; sig;then she yawns again.
" ; sen carefully. I t;Sister" to address t no to knoheir names.
"t; says my fat;And t;
" do t; I ask.
"A; My faters on t;One means Spring Rain, t; ;because t, dont you t;
I nod my oo. But it falls forays thing deeply, noisily. She is asleep.
"And ; I whisper.
" Suyuan, " ing more invisible cers on t;te it in C mean Long-Ce a faname, not so ordinary like flo cer, it mean sometten. But to e Suyuan. Souly t te." es trokes of anoter. "t part look tten. But t part add to first part make t angry ell ;
My fat me, moist-eyed. "See, I pretty clever, too, ;
I nod, ;And my name," I ask, ";
"Your name also special," somet;Jing like excellent jing. Not just good, its sometial, t quality. Jing is good leftover stuff ies out of somet. So —just pure essence. Aer. "
I t ter ed my mot iny Aiyi stirs suddenly, o ansion. Ss in ug o the chair.
"So o knooo.
"Long time I ; says my fat;But t letter from ers in Salk to Auntie Lindo, all t s;
" ;
"Your mot; begins my father.
"No, tell me in C; I interrupt. "Really, I uand."
o talk, still standing at to t.
After fleeing Krying to find a main road. o catcruck or o catcil sationed.
So t, to barter rides all t, I o trade t and jade ring. ther.
By traded notrucks. trucks ruso stop. So your motart of dysentery pains in omach.
ers grecases. And ters burst and began to bleed. After a cases beer s flour and rid kept o tle girls, until sh pain and fever.
Finally, t one more step left io carry to t, from starvation, or from t behind her.
Sook t of t t to t. ting to be picked up again. And t bear to ch her.
S going by. "take my babies, I beg you," so t tared back y eyes and opped.
S again. time a man turned around, and errible expression—your mot looked like deatself—she shivered and looked away.
, sore open tuffed je of one baby and money uo and dre tos of ure of ure of e on t;Please care for t is safe to e, if y to So give you a generous reward. Li Suyuan and ang Fuc;
And toucold to cry. So find t looking back, sumbling and g, t ers hing else.
S remember ion s, o scream, to Budd t of an Ameri missionary lady bent over alking to uand. A sand. S oo late to go bad save her babies.
er sold o e so far, to lose so muco find nothing.
I met al. S, o move, ery , my missing toe, o herself, mumbling.
"Look at t; sime. It in, quite dirty, but t it iful dress.
"Look at t; sy fad ;Do you see my foolis;
"I t I everyt t; s;And I ;
"But no soil.
It ; t er told your sisters ting obediently le fairy queens ing for to arrive.
tone cave. t in and around K t ter t of t on times t tragedy to leave beook back to tely painted set of rice botle footstool cuss. And o ers.
ter in ts like tures, k until many mo Mei g on these baby girls like her own.
In 1952 Mei ime to find your sisters true family.
Sure of told to a great family and sake to see true mots. Mei Cold t t s. Sed to titled to—a better life, a fine ed ay on as tain t.
Of course, ely different. It e of a factory building, retly structed, and none of t spot.
Mei oturo t same pla 1945 in ers.
Your motayed in Cil 1947. e to many different cities—back to Ko C of one er of tle girls. Later to in 1949 for ted States, I t. But t, At last, t.
ters could be opees, se immediately to old friends in S knoold me. But of course, by treet ook many years to find a tact. And e asking o look for ers, e bad said ttom of ters ill alive?
So e did not look. Finding babies lost during tter of foolision, and sime for t.
But every year, your mote to different people. And t year, I t a big idea in o go to e, "ing, oo late, before oo old." And I told oo old, it oo late.
I just t sed to be a tourist! I didnt knoo go and look for ers. So oo late, t must a terrible t in ers migy gre killed her.
Maybe it o find ers. Because after your mote saers, by c tment Store on Nanjing Dong Road. S oget t remie of your mother.
S first, because Mei oted. "Are you not ang C; sed, because tten on to, a po of a young man and ill parents, ill roaming them.
At t, I am exed. I could not sleep last nigo my room at tantly fell asleep on one of t of a lumberjack. I lay a my motory, realizing my sisters and I her.
And no t, after s all t o some at airports, knoory and saying good-bye before I o knoer.
Aiyi smiles at me as for ate to be called. S one arm around seems. And ts time. As ime aer ting area, I get to anotcickets to Swo here.
takes off. I y eyes. o t our mothers life? here should I begin?
"ake up, pounding in my t. I look out ts gray outside.
And noeps of to tarmad too be to even feel my feet. I am just moving somehow.
Somebody ss, "S; And t same look on errible ordeal and were is over.
And I knos not my mot it is ternoon, for sucime, t s and lauging to make sure it rue.
And no t beyond te, oions and expectations fotten.
"Mama, Mama," we all murmur, as if she is among us.
My sisters look at me, proudly. "Meimei jandale," says one sister proudly to t;Little Sister ; I look at tray mot till look familiar. And no of me is C is so obvious. It is my family. It is in our blood. After all t finally be let go.
My sisters and I stand, arms around eacears from eac. My sisters and I cly togeto see w develops.
to t colors of our t once. And alt speak, I kno: togeto see, at last, her long-cherished wish.
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