An-Mei hsu

        Yesterday my daugo me, "My marriage is falling apart."

        And no coucears out about til to fall, not to cry about, everything dry.

        S;No c; S knory, she    lose her ce forever.

        I knoaugo desire noto so eat my oterness.

        And even tauger te, still s t is because so me and so my motairs, oep after anot all going the same way.

        I knoo be quiet, to listen and c to c o listen, ill    y years ago.

        My mer to me    my uncles    seen    I knew sher, because I could feel her pain.

        "Do not look at t ; . "So tream. ral spirit is lost forever. t decayed flested to t;

        And I are at my mot look evil. I ed to touc looked like mine.

        It is true, srange fn clot s speak back urn to tientsin, wo a rich man.

        me? tion I could not ask. I was a .

        t before so leave, s o protect me from a danger I could not see. I    old me a story.

        "An-mei," s;tle turtle t lives in t; I yard and I often poked a sti till er to make turtle s from underhe rocks.

        "I also kurtle ;I used to sit by tco ting ttle beak. urtle."

        I could see t turtle in my mind and I knehe same one.

        "turtle feeds on our ts," said my mot;I lear s, or run, or sit on to catcs. I could not cry if I ed. I o be silent and listen to my elders. And if I did not do t off my o a place w nuns lived.

        "t niger Popo told me t by to ter. And because I o cry. turtle so top and ing my tears as soon as toucer. e tears, t of to a smooto speak.

        "turtle said, I en your tears, and t I must warn you. If you cry, your life will always be sad.

        "turtle opened    poured five, six, seven pearly eggs. tely began to cter and sing. I knee bellies and pretty voices t t to to drink greedily. And ure o to the air, laughing.

        "Nourtle, drifting bato t is useless to cry. Your tears do not o sears. "

        But after my motory, I looked at ain, t te, to live like turtles seeing tery ogettom of ttle pond.

        In to    t angry sounds in tance. I jumped out of my bed and ran quietly to my window.

        Out in t courtyard, I sae pat somet find it again. In front of ood Uncle, my moting.

        "You    to take your daug; Uamped    at ti. "You s;

        My mot say anyt on turtle in to cry iears.

        I o get dressed. And by time I ran doairs and into t room, my mot to leave. A servant aking runk outside. My aule broto y mouted, "Ma!"

        "See o your daug; exclaimed my uncle.

        And my motill bo me and sa stop my tears from running doood up tall, raig noaller t to me and I ran to , calm voice: "An-mei, I am not asking you. But I am going back to tientsin no;

        My auntie ely ;A girl is er t sop of a ne. But in front of you, it is just t you see in front of you."

        And ermio leave. Because t of me    I could not uand. So I turned my ies strange    my mother.

        No;Is t you    to do?" said my uncle. "t your ;    vase on t smaso many pieces. I jumped, and my motook my hand.

        ;e, An-mei. e must ; she said, as if    a rainy sky.

        "An-mei!" I    call piteously from be t;S;—Finis;S;

        As I    rue, ed it.

        And I satle brotie o    dare take my broto somebody elses o live. If , ure. But I kne asked o follow.

        my uncle rue. After I sa keep my ed.

        In to tation, my mot;Poor An-mei, only you kno only I could see te and rare ts.

        But on train, I realized raveled for seven days, one day by rail, six days by steamer boat. At first, my motold me stories of tientsin w w been.

        Salked of clever peddlers s, and my mote, a te, till finger- off to the hungry buyer.

        S and its seafood and claimed it ter t e in Ningpo. Big clams, pra—oto t?

        Sold me about narroreets s sold vegetables I en before in my life—and my mot, so tender, so fresions of ty    ogete s, some dirty, some . And ted in pink, anot jutted out at every angle like ts of Victorian dresses, oted s and ed o look like ivory.

        And iime I    art to rain, and tly, more sloil it became als of quince blossoms in ts and pants, so if it ter cold, no matter!

        Sold me many stories until my face urned forosin. But ientsin gulf, ters co blad t began to rod groan. I became fearful and sick. And at nigream my aunt , ters t ccers from my sickbed on t, I    my aunts s. And my ts, too, became cloudy and fused.

        On to arrive isin, s into our sleeping    o tting room on top deck, sranger. ed t ter, t te, op of        across t.    ucked into t, except for t curls on    faced eace lace collar t fell all to    and ened doh a silk rose.

        t. e    I could not say anyther wear her shame so boldly.

        In ten on top: "Fine Englisailored Apparel, tientsin." I remember s told me: "Open it! Quickly!" Srange manner, it    until many years later, ore letters and pograp I wondered    seen me for many years, s I would someday follow    I should wear a new dress when I did.

        And     tiers of ruffles for a skirt. tained ogs, e o be fastened on ies.

        Everytoo big. My s slipping out of t    t I did not mind. S mind. I raised my arms and stood perfectly still. S pins and ttle tucks uffed in terials, toes of tissue paper, until everyt. earing t as if I    and I o walk in a new way.

        And t c dreo the dock.

        "An-mei, noo start your le broto eat. Do you to be ;

        I nodded quietly, t t say anyt t ask any questions, because sin. My motrus to our porter, poio our trunks and    o be five or six dead foxes ails. S t around ighe crowd of people.

        t to meet us. My motform, looking nervously from side to side.

        "An-mei, e! ; s, trying to stay in toe s c s; rics follos of food.

        e stood reet, . e s, c tation, c e m, and alt seemed side, the sky was gray and clouding over.

        After a long time of standing and seeing no one, my moted for a rickshaw.

        During ted extra caso carry t t from treet, teness of tomacs, surned s to me: a spot on my neangle in my ed stogs. I tried to ing to ask    a small park, a bird flying above us, a loric streetcar t passed us sounding its horn.

        But s;An-mei, sit still. Do not look so eager. e are only going ;

        And wed.

        I kne be an ordinary old me sing, ories and lived in a mansion located in tisientsin, t se of ty oo far from Paima Di, Racereet, o little s sold only one kind of tea, or only fabric, or only soap.

        t; u tsing liked fn t yle cloto display tside.

        And even till amazed at w I saw.

        t of toe, rou top, o step over. ites I sayard and I -smelling cassia trees, no garden pavilions, ing by a pond, no tubs of fisead, to eas. And as    closer to t in tern style. It ories ar and stone, al balies on eac every er.

        and greeted my motc;Oaitai, youve already arrived! ; to fuss over my mot t amount. Saitai, title of ife, as if my mot he only wife.

        Yan Co ots to take gage, called anot t tea and draily explai Sed ife old everyo to expect us for anot least. " a so greet you! Sed ife, to Peking to visit ives. Your daugty, your same look. S ife, ers…gone on a pilgrimage to anot temple…Last    a little crazy, came to visit, turned out not to be a cousin, not an uncle, w;

        As soon as o t big    oo many to see: a curved staircase t ing and turning into one room to my rig iff teakure: sofas and tables and ore rooms, more furniture, to my left ting room, ture: dark greeings ing dogs, armc people, and Yan C;t. t one, s ter of cooks akes care of t;

        And taircase. e came to top of tairs and I found myself in anotting room. e o t, doepped into anot;t; Yan e proudly. "t;

        And t t first,    bed. It    time: soft rose silk and s    eagled large silk ties ains. t on four squat lions pa of it o use a small step stool to climb onto tumbled onto to discover a soft mattress t en times thiess of my bed in Ningpo.

        Sitting in t led to a baly. In front of table of t too sat on carved lions legs and ea and s cakes on table and was now ligove for burning coal.

        It    t my uncles ually quite o-do. But tientsin    to myself, My uncle sing.

        artled by a sudden g! g! g! folloe t and bears carved into it. t open and a tiny room full of people . ted cap seated at a table. o drink soup, but    and stop e scarf and blue dress andio table and so give t to t and s jacket. Sill    in my er these many years—ni-ah! nah! nah! nah! nah-ni-nah!

        to see, but after I    t first , and travagant nuisance. I could not sleep for many niger, I found I y: to not listen to someto me.

        I able bed, t my ule brot most of my ts fleo all to see and do in this house.

        I c er p out of pipes not just in tc also into    flus servants o empty to First ife and to no one. "ts," said Yan g.

        On ts, said Yan Co a et t    es.

        t o remember everyt    oo many good ter a     a y. "O; I said    meats as t;Ive tasted t;

        My main    nature. S s noe m bands se ttoms. Durie and funny t, Broo do, alked about ts: atoes on top of t to enjoy t nigell me stories as I lay in her arms falling asleep.

        If I look upon my ime able:    I remember clearly    became no longer fortable.

        It er    at a table ce, ss, and t the ball and ran off barking in high happy voices.

        My motation. So to. t aking luggage out of one ricks.

        All ts croorcar, looking at tal, admiring tained    seats. t stepped a young girl. S o be only a fe sogs, and    my oains and I felt ashamed.

        And ts reaco t of torcar and a man ed by botsing.    tall, but puffed out like a bird. ril. ern suit jacket    t closed too tigomac s o vieoing as ted aking . o t,    everyone o    remark to anot;Fift bring any of s, only a    nurse."

        I looked up at tc t u tsing aken ually just an aftert, a foolis of decoration for orcar.

        My mot jealous of t love u tsing. A girl in C marry for love. Sion, and my motion, I later learned, .

        After u tsing and Fiften stayed in ernoon, s rides in ty, searc of silk in a color s seem to name.    .

        And so, . You may    myself. I    remember only able I felt, rutomacerrible o ell you, it    as bad as    some fifteen years later ed to fall and, listening in tance, I could    rumbles and kne oppable.

        A feer u tsing . My motly.

        "An-mei, be a good girl," sired voice. "Go to Yan C;

        I rubbed my eyes and as I a sing.

        "Be quiet. No to Yan C; my mother whispered.

        And ted me doo to sing and u tsings deep voiplaining of t to Yan C ed me and knew I would be g.

        t m I could not look at my mot I sa Fift breakfast t m, in front of everybody, ed o a servant for serving ared at ig a servant t sing to cry. But later t m, Fifth ife was smiling again, prang around in a new dress and new shoes.

        In ternoon, my mot time. e ore to find embroidery t;Do you see ; s;Do you see ion?        makes mudbrick tiles. And at nigo me, smelling of ;

        S;You    see no not fet. I    ai, t alai!"

        Sefully I s sounded like t means "die." And I remembered Popo oelling me four is a very unluumber because if you say it in an angry    al wrong.

        t became cs returned o tientsin. tion o be sent to tation, but of course t    enougo carry torcar came a dozen or so rickss folloo pour out of torcar.

        My motanding beo greet everybody. A hree girls, one of whom was my age, followed behind.

        "ters," said my mother.

        t speak. But I tio stare. teeterpillar. to carry one of her packages.

        I felt my motiffen on my s;And t you to call ; she whispered.

        I sa and dark estern clottle boy    rosy co be two years old.

        "tlest brot; my mot of ttle finger around Sed ifes long pearl necklace. I    and to give instrus to till crowded around her.

        And toep. Sared, as if sted my , graceful movement of rand and put it around my neck.

        t beautiful piece of jeern style, a long strand, eacical pinkisone, e silver to clasp together.

        My motely protested: "too muc. S."

        But Sed ife simply said to me: "Sucty girl needs someto put t on ;

        I could see by t t s like Sed ife. I o be careful    to let my mot I    Sed ife his special favor.

        "t; I said to Sed ife. And I o avoid s still I could not help smiling.

        ea i afternoon, I knew she was angry.

        "Be careful, An-mei," s; you    genuine. Srying to trick you, so you ;

        I sat quietly, trying not to listen to my mot pers. I    listen to her.

        "Give to me," she said suddenly.

        I looked at    moving.

        "You do not believe me, so you must give me t let ;

        And    move, sood up a necklace off. And before I could cry to stop    tepped on it.    it on table, I saw w s    boug and mind now had one bead of crushed glass.

        Later s broken bead and kogetold me to    is to lose myself to someter I o learn t me take turo me: "Norue?" And I nodded.

        S somet s ter so pure t I never ceased to look at t ring h wonder.

        Before t ife returned from Peking,    ife o    ife om.

        But First ife turned out to be a living g, no t to Sed ife,    intact. First ife looked quite a and frail , yle padded jacket and pants, and plain, lined face. But no I remember    not oo old, maybe u tsings age, so sy.

        First ife, I t sed as if s see me. S see u tsing. S see my mot sers beyond t least ty-five. And s in time to scold ting on a table leg.

        " ife sometimes see and sometimes not see?" I asked Yan C as she.

        "First ife says s is Buddion," said Yan ost faults."

        Yan C First ife co be blind to tsing yandi, ual marriage arranged by a matcs, and protected by ts of tors. But after t year of marriage, First ife o a girl oo s. And tune led First ife to begin a trek to Budd temples, to offer alms and tailored silk goo Buddo lengters leg. As it ead to bless First ife er, t legs, but—alas!—ea stain splasune, First ife began to go on so many pilgrimages to tsinan, just a rain ride to t u tsing bougo manage    a monturo tientsin to pay s and suffer sigime surned, sting all day like a Buddalking softly to    e doairs for meals. Instead sed or ate vegetarian meals in sing    in ea for     bot night.

        t of a    in fact s ideas into oo o deserve    in tsinan, but oo t, in little Petaiiful seaside resort filled erraces and gardens and hy widows.

        "e are going to live in a ; sold me    turquoise color of kingfis;t be as big as t    s. u tsing ;

        During t er monts and c dare go outside. Yan C my skin o a ts al everyday sigooops of stores al tell, ty hick cover of snow.

        So every day ayed in to amuse ourselves. My mot fn magazines and clipped out pictures of dresses s doairs to discuss ailor erials available.

        I did not like to play ers,    looking out tcead, Yan Ced uts on top of ttle coal stove. And burning our fingers    s, urally started to giggle and gossip. to play. Yan ded to sing badly in tyle and    loud, remembering erday evening, apanying ringed lute and making many mistakes. So suffer tertai, until u tsing declared it old me a story about Sed ife.

        "ty years ago, sung sing-song girl, a , especially among married mey, sress. Sruments, sing aales breaking clarity, and touy feet in just t manner.

        "u tsing o be    for love, but because of tige of oed. And ter s ed to bee his e.

        "From tart, Sed ife knerol u tsings money. S t s. And everybody kno suicide is to e back as a g and scatter tea leaves and good fortune. So ell u tsing ser, Sed ife    she had asked.

        "Send-suicides, s began to suspect so eat ti enougter room in te rickss, a sum for buying blessings at temples.

        "But o sing o ral rites and tee ual eternity. So before u tsing could plain about Sed ifes lack of sons, sable to bear your sons. By ure, you    see se true. As you    see, te ugly. S even .

        "ted to Sed ife fing t over ma of t o lift a finger, ss, sed relatives oival days. S nurses for eacers tsing. And later, ient for a son and began to spend too muceaies, Sed ife arra so t your motsings t;

        Yan Cory in sucural and lively    I applauded io crauts open, until I could no longer remain quiet.

        " did Sed ife do so my motsing?" I asked timidly.

        "A little derstand suc; she scolded.

        I immediately looked do, until Yan Cless again to    afternoon.

        "Your mot; said Yan Calking to ;is too good for t;

        "Five years ago—your fat to o visit t Lake. Your fated sced to tues of Buddoo observe t s, and speeco refrain from giving opinions, and to s to cross t opposite a man and a sing and Sed ife.

        "u tsing must y immediately. Back to , iful! But because ss. S remarry.

        "But t stop Sed ife from tired of c tea    five more    u tsings outside appetite. So ssing to lure your moto his bed.

        "Sted    so go to tery of ts Retreat t day. And Sed ife s t place as er more friendly talk, sed your moto dinner. Your motion sed. And after to your mot doesnt matter if you play badly. e are only t play at all unless you omorro.

        "t niger a long evening of maed my mot. Stay! Stay! Dont be so polite. No, your politeness is really more inve. ainly big enougwo.

        "As your mot soundly in Sed ifes bed, Sed ife got up in t asing took o find oucs, s of bed.     on    and told o undress. Your mot scream or cry when he fell on her.

        "In t in a ricksears streaming do me o many people about ted u tsing into bed. hless widow accuse a rian of lying?

        "So o be o bear    citute. And o oimes to say good-bye,    is il yrandmot to live isin, to sings er, so a son, which Sed ife claimed as her own.

        "And t is o live in u tsings ; cluded Yan g proudly.

        And t tlest brother.

        In trut Yan Celling me my motory. Secrets are kept from cop of ttle, so t boil over oo mucruth.

        After Yan e tory, I saood before.

        I sarue nature.

        I sao go visit o "s; And of course, s alsing of Fifto be lured by hy flesh.

        I saou to First ife, bo w ifes power had been drained away.

        I sao treets. And I knew wd happiness.

        And I saerrible pain as Sed ife bounced Syaudi on elling t;As long as I am your moto o;

        And I knesings promise of a    of pretend-suicide. And my mot the promise back.

        I suffered so mucer Yan e my motory. I ed my moto s at u tsing, to s at Sed ife, to s at Yan Co tell me tories. But my mot even    to do this. She had no choice.

        t ill black outside.

        "Quickly!" sogether.

        My motly lit. As soon as I stool. o no. And noo stretc of ongue ry to make it fall out.

        "ake up!" I anding tsing, Yan Cor.

        "Saken too muc; cried Yan C;tor says ;

        So ting. I also ed those many hours.

        t of ted to s to ts meaningless noise be silent, but I did not.

        I ced to say t    . But I stood ting and saying nothing.

        And tory about ttle turtle,    to cry. And I ed to s to    it oo many tears. And I tried to s too fast, until finally my closed lips burst open and I cried and cried, tting everybody in tears.

        I fainted o Yan C m, wher was dying, I was dreaming.

        I o to a pond. And I became a little turtle lying at ttom of tery place. Above me I could see te bellies. I    til I ears left and ty, everything as dry as sand.

        Yaold me my moteo Sed ife and tried to do pretend-suicide. False o this woman who caused her so much suffering.

        I ko , to no longer pretend. I kno it became a on?

        ten yicky s dumpling t everybody eats to celebrate. Se oer trange remark. "You see    eat enougterness." And ter poison, not died seeds or t. o o me t s ser one.

        tiess g to    remove ts to keep    t. A silk goe slippers est leat pearls on eacoe, to ligo nirvana.

        Seeing    time, I t scared. I koo. I am strong, too.

        Because    on ter someone dies, to settle scores. In my mot day of t is ts must be paid, or disaster and misfortune will follow.

        So on t day, u tsing, fearful of my mot,    of ton m cloting g t o revere    ife, his only wife.

        And on t day, I s under my foot.

        And on t day, Sed ifes o turn we.

        And on t day, I learo s.

        I knoo live your life like a dream. to listen and co ry to uand w has already happened.

        You do not need a psycrist to do trist does not    you to o dream some more, to find tears into it. And really,    another bird drinking from your misery.

        My mot ried to . Ser misery and finally could not . to uand. t    speak up. t run a e.

        But noo sears or suffer taunts of magpies. I knohis news in a magazine from a.

        It said t for tormenting ts. to cs bent over in t, g into to er tood up, tears aarved.

        But one day, all tired peasants—from all over g and drinking. And t;Enoug; to clap ticks on pots and pans and s, "Sz! Sz! Sz!"—Die! Die! Die!

        And all ting t above, ing for to stop. But ts only greronger, aed, uo land, uo eat. And tinued for many il all ttered to till, until not one bird remained in the sky.

        say if I told    I sed for joy his had happened?
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