averly Jong

        I aken my mot to lunc my favorite Caurant in ting    it er.

        at tioaurant, se disapproval. "Ai-ya! s tter ; she said in ese.

        " do you mean, s tter, " I said. "I    cut." Mr. Rory yled my ly time, an asymmetrical blunt-line fri    side. It    radically so.

        "Looks c; s;You must ask for your money back."

        I sig;Lets just oget;

        Sigtering, "Not too many good t; tapped ters arm, icks ;t me to eat ?" S    tea, and taurant patroed near us to do told ter to make sure t, and of course, it    estimate "not even luke;

        "You s get so upset," I said to my moter sed a cra dollars because sea, instead of tea. "Besides, unnecessary stress isnt good for your ."

        "Not," s a disparaging eye on ter.

        And s. Despite all tension sors    my mot age sixty-nine, een-year-old and trengts o be obstinate and frank to t of tactlessness. Sion, because Im a Rabbit, born in 1951, supposedly sensitive, endeotery at t sign of criticism.

        After our miserable lunc time to tell    Rig married.

        "; my friend Marlene Ferber . "Its not as if Ricax attorney like you, for Cicize t?"

        "You dont kno; I said. "S;

        "So elope ; said Marlene.

        "ts ; Marvin    .

        "So t; said Marlene.

        "So ; I said. "And t    for openers."

        My mot Ric, every time I brouga Rico t Ri my four-year-old daugo to c.

        "Did I tell you," I said as ed for t Four Dires, " time S torium? ;

        "O; interrupted my mot;I didnt tell you. Your fators say maybe need exploratory surgery. But no, no too mucipated." I gave up. And tine.

        I paid for ten and ted out exact    ts, and put t on tray instead, explaining firmly: "No tip!" Sossed riump smile. And er a five-dollar bill. o me anding. her plan.

        "C;—Stinks to deattered my moturned. Stle travel package of Kleenex. S trust otoilet paper. "Do you o use?"

        I s;But before I drop you off, lets stop at my place real quick. t to s;

        My mot been to my apartment in mont married, so drop by unannounced, until one day I suggested sime. Ever sio e unless I issue an official invitation.

        And so I    to tment—from ti I maintained after too mucime to keep my life in order—to t ctered oys, all brigic ttered parts. t of Riifters on table, t Sook apart to see whe voices came from.

        "Its back ; I said. e kept o t ies spilling over. My motepped over running soys, Ricack of    back from the ers.

        ime long ago o a ic to get our polio booster ss. As t into my brot me ten all over ; one doesnt ."

        But    oget t go aalk about it? So say something.

        I    to t and t t Ricmas. It    extravagant gift I had ever received.

        I put t on. "Its sort of a silly present," I said nervously. "Its o    it seems to be a fad, ;

        My mot. So, bulging ies, my dresses, and Rics. She mink.

        "t so good," s last. "It is just leftover strips. And too s, no long ;

        "icize a gift!" I protested. I ;."

        "t is w; she said.

        And looking at t in t fend off trengty to make me see black ion of romance.

        "Arent you going to say anyt; I asked softly.

        " I s;

        "About tment? About t; I gestured to all t.

        So;You    to live like mess ;

        My moto    a nerve. And t sly like aric jolt, t grounds itself permaly in my memory. I still remember t time I felt it.

        I en years old. Even ty to play c. It less, so easy. I could see t ot. I could create barriers to protect myself t o my oppos. And t gave me supreme fidence. I knes    exactly    trategy self as a devastating and irrevocable course. I loved to win.

        And my moto sropo discuss my games as if srategies.

        "I told my daugo ru; s;S; And of course, s and a    o do h my winning.

        to our family friends    o be so smart to    tricks. You blo, a. t kno;

        I ed tried to take all t. And one day I told ing at o Street, in told    kno s up. ords to t effect.

        t evening and t day s speak to me. Siff o my fatalking about a rotten fis w bes bad smell.

        I kegy, to get someoo pounce ba anger and fall into a trap. So I ignored o speak and ed for o e to me.

        After many days    in my room, staring at ty-four squares of my g to ts    playing chess.

        Of course I dido quit forever. At most, just for a feead of practig in my room every nigo t do of televisio ared at me, an unruder. I used my broto furto annoy them.

        "Ma!" ted. "Make op. Make ;

        But my mot say anything.

        Still I     I could see I ronger move. I decided to sacrifice a tour o play in it. And my motainly o speak to me about t associations art calling ing, pleading to make me play again.

        And tour came and . And s e to me, g, " playing c; But I    a boy her occasions had won.

        I realized my motricks t. But noired of ed to start practig for t tour. So I decided to pretend to let o speak first.

        "I am ready to play c; I annouo    special ted to eat.

        But instead, so a froared into my eyes, as if srut of me.

        "ell me t; sones. "You t is so easy. One day quit,    day play. Everyt, so easy, so fast."

        "I said Ill play," I whined.

        "No!" sed, and I almost jumped out of my scalp. "It is not so easy anymore."

        I unned by    bay room. I stared at my cs sixty-four squares, to figure out o undo terrible mess. And after staring like tually believed t I e squares blad te, and everyt.

        And sure enoug nig o my bed, scolding me foing to sc my ser. In trained o figernoon, s in a g me a pink ser    a ser t Auntie Suyuan    for er June, and     unattractive and of t yarn. I was so    she had bee her usual self.

        But after I got , really, my moticed different c polisrop cut out tem t mentioned my    ly groping eaco see    was.

        At my our,    enoug. And o isfied look, as if it rategy.

        I     just t tour. I examined every move, every piece, every square. And I could no longer see t ion of eacakes, my     my magic armor. And everybody could see t o attack me.

        Over t feer montio play, but never    same feeling of supreme fidence. I fougion. eful, relieved. And error t I    I    t and urned into someone quite ordinary.

        to ted so easily a feopped playing cogetested. I een.

        "You kno uand you," said Marlene er I . "You    tell to piss up a rope, but you t stand up to your o;

        "I alend to and ttle sneaky ttle barbs, and…"

        " you tell o stop t you," said Marlene. "tell o stop ruining your life. tell o s up."

        "ts ; I said ;You    me to tell my moto s up?"

        "Sure, ;

        "ell, I dont knos explicitly stated in t you t ever tell a Co s up. You could be co your o;

        I    so muc stack icize    at first. t someticed, and t like a little piece of sand, one from tion, anotil er, rategy, tack, I    some unseen speck of truto my eye, blur ransform    o someone quite mundane, mortally iresome s and irritating imperfes.

        to my first marriage, to Marvin    and een. . ed t Lo a full sco Stanford. ennis. y-six straig. e love positions for different days and o ernoon" and Id shiver.

        But by time my mot    no ennis balls to run aies.    kno tell big jokes to make ottle. en-dollar tips ters but ingy s to family.    ernoon ant taking .

        My feelings for Marvin never reao, it     from disappoio pt to apatic boredom. It    until after ed, on nig I wondered if perher had poisoned my marriage.

        t affect my daug aborted    I , I ly referred to my pregnancy as my "groment," and I dragged Marvin doo to suffer too. It turned out    to tcerrible bit of puritanical brai seven iny, tiny fingers. And t translut fingers could move, t iny fingers—so t. I found every detail about o be remarkable, especially t s away from o cry, I knew my feelings for her were inviolable.

        But I    I . ed notence ime,    ter—because of me. ic; ed il    me. And tic gestures all t ;FYI—For Your Information" o legal briefs and corporate returns t I o revietom: "FYI—Forever You & I." t kno our relations kind of reckless be thrilled me.

        try     types ;Am I ing you?"    tuo my every movement I le treasures. e aspee—and I mean not just sexual private parts, but my darker side, my meanness, my pettiness, my self-loat    ely naked, and    tly t t t moment.    alloo cover myself up. raigell me somet why he loved me.

        Id never kno it ried to store every one of ts about Rico call upon time was necessary.

        After muc, I came up    plan. I cocted a    my mot, I arra so my mot to cook a meal especially for ie Suyuan. Auntie Su    tormenting ead secrets. And I gave Auntie Su a secret to boast about.

        After ed to Ric op by for a surprise visit to my Auntie Su and Uncle ing. t a fe of my motment. It e afternoon, just in time to catcie Su preparing Sunday dinner.

        "Stay! Stay!" sed.

        "No, no. Its just t ; I said.

        "Already cooked enoug eat it, only o t aed!"

        er, Auntie Suyuan ter from Ric;Ric    Casted," I e.

        And t day, my moto invite me to a belated birt was bringing oo.

        I kne;Just be sure to tell er t    you ever tasted, t it ter tie Sus," I told Ric;Believe me."

        t of t in tg for t moment to tell    our marriage plans, t    married    July, about seven mont int at time about Auntie Suyuan: "S a recipe. My instrus are in my fingers. I kno ingredients to put in just by using my nose!" And sy, seemingly iive to    I s of t and shredded pork dish.

        I    Riized o toe, c t already given to ie Suyuan. I tried to anticipate icisms she would have.

        Rily not ately,    on t side, pactly built. In s,    easily fettable, like somebodys nep a funeral.    notice    year oget t my moticed everything.

        "So ; I finally asked, h.

        Sossed t in t oil and it made a loud, angry ;So many spots on ; she said.

        I could feel t;t; I said a bit too edly in trying to raise my voice above t.

        "O; sly.

        "Yes, ts tter. Everybody kno."

        S and t;Maybe true.    ts, you o stay en days. So lucky, you t."

        I couldnt save Ricc save er at table.

        a bottle of Frenos could not appreciate. My parents did not even oake of drinking not o ted glasses full,    for taste."

        ed on using ticks. riced eggplant. o c took several mio get So stop ser.

        And to big portions of t realizing aken only a polite spoonful, until everybody had had a morsel.

        閑d neender and expensive leaves of bean plants plucked before ts turn into beans. And So eat ting to Ric; eat t eat t;

        e by refusing seds, ions of seds, t resist anote of somet    .

        But t    even kno    nigo direct it toable dish special pride.

        "Ai! t salty enoug; ser tasting a small bite. "It is too bad to eat."

        to eat some and proclaim it t s before    needs is a little soy sauce." And o pour a riverful of ty black stuff on tter, righers horrified eyes.

        And even t t my mother would somehow see Richs kindness, his sense of humor and boyish charm, I knew he had failed miserably in her eyes.

        Ric opinion on     niger    So bed, ly, "ell. I t it off A-o-kay." ian, panting, loyal, ing to be petted.

        "U; I said. I ting on an old nig t I    feeling amorous. I ill ss    same easy familiarity s. "Linda, tim," ;; My parents names are Lindo and tin Jong, and nobody, except a fe names.

        "So ting married. I old Ric I ell my mot a o my father.

        "I never ; I said, ting married,    we were alone, so remark on o drink, or o be.

        Ric; take to say, Mom, Dad, Im getting married?"

        "You dont uand. You dont uand my mot;

        Ric; again. alking about t dead guy sy, I t salking about somet ime ago."

        t ense. I est failure, made    t Rico it all. ic. So patic, t again, making me see black ions, relentless in , alo find my    spots.

        I e, eet;M, doll,"    t into to my parents apartment.

        Marlene ell my mot I knehousand flying cleavers.

        My fato see me. "; I asked, trying to keep my breatured to the living room in back.

        I found ing on a ill. All rengted.

        And t serrible ts about    of my life, and sing out of o escape my terrible red.

        "Ma!" I said s;Ma!" I ing to cry.

        And ;S you?"

        I urned, only no creases of ;;

        I didnt knoo do or say. In a matter of seds, it seemed, I rengto being amazed by ened by y. And no numb, strangely opped.

        "Notter. I dont ko talk to you….I ed to tell you…Rig married."

        I squeezed my eyes s, ing to ests, s, t of painful verdict.

        "Jrdaule"—I already knoo ask welling his again.

        "You kno;

        "Of course. Even if you didnt tell me," she said simply.

        ticized t, ;I kno good enoug I…"

        "e? e your future ;

        "You o talk about arted to tell you about    torium, you…you c…you started talking about Dads exploratory surgery and t;

        " is more important, explore fun or explore siess?"

        I    going to let ime. "And t s on ;

        S me, puzzled. "Is t true?"

        "Yes, but, you said it just to be mean, to    me, to…"

        "Ai-ya, ; ;So you t meaning. But it is yigogetears.

        t. My mind    do to ri by ther.

        I felt as if I    a battle, but o I didnt kno;Im going ; I finally said. "Im not feeling too g;

        "You ; sting her hand on my forehead.

        "No," I said. I ed to leave. "I…I just dont know ws inside me rig;

        "tell you," sared at ;; s;is from your fatural. tonese people. Good,    people. Altimes tempered and stingy. You kno;

        And I o myself, elli does to do    my motio speak, smiling broadly, s; Se ters out on tting t I ot read ese.

        "e are a smart people, very strong, tricky, and famous for -sen, ;

        I nodded.

        " o turies ago, so    exactly taiyuan, from before t;

        I sill didnt kno soot seemed like t time ion.

        " to battle    at Sun eis ;

        "Geng ed some magic arro; I said. "After all, ;

        My moted as if s . "true,    all good stuff from taiyuan."

        "I guess o just oy aronics market," I said.

        "; she asked eagerly.

        "You see it oai;

        "Ai!" s;Im not from tai;

        And just like t, ti to build snapped.

        "I ; s;tai C;

        "ell, I only t you said tai sounds t; I argued, irritated t s by sutional mistake.

        "Sound is pletely different! try is pletely different!" s;People t it is C go of C;

        e sank into silence, a stalemate. And ted up. "Noen. You    also say taiyuan is Bing. Everyone from t city calls it t. Easier for you to say. Bing, it is a niame."

        Se doer, and I nodded as if tly clear. "t; s;You call Apple for Ne;

        "Nobody calls San Francisco t!" I said, laug;People    dont knoter."

        "Noand my meaning," said my motriumply.

        I smiled.

        And really, I did uand finally. Not    w rue all along.

        I sa o tacks.    o find my    spots. But in tant t I    ting needle for ting a little crabby as sed patiently for er to invite her in.

        Rico postpone our    a good time to go to C returned from a trip to Beijing and taiyuan.

        "It is too    in ts and t; sells Ricures oo me, " you believe    of    your s, tactful nature."

        "You must go in October. t is t time. Not too , not too cold. I am too," satively. And tily adds: "Of course not ;

        I laug;td be great, Lindo. You could translate all t eating snakes s by mistake." I almost kick him.

        "No, t my meaning," insists my mot;Really, I am not asking."

        And I knoo Ce it. t dirty cicks and cold soup, t er.

        Yet part of me also t seepping on togetting side by side, lifting off, movio reac.
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