tly tradictory effects on us all. Firstly,     capable of killing ourselves. And sedly, tion made us suicidal again.

        t isnt a paradox, if you kno ty of ure. A long time ago, I    remain nameless because you    certainly have heard of him.

        And old me t t time tempt to quit t terrifying day of    t op drinking, if    round to it, so as t    o drink, t ted to do aemporarily fuse our issues.

        I didnt properly uand il I sa guy jump off til tion, a , money in t    place. It beloo to go t extra t been t sat on my    t of tter    ill around, and y not to be.    nig    called ed out not to be terribly germao our story. Im not sure o go and look for C. Becks Suicide I Scale? Pretty . Beck ree. No one could say tent    there.

        e got off t roof s    not to , in ttle toppers previous, after all, and by oy of tory - unand less of it, rat    t.

        So    as damaged lungs and varicosed legs    us, and    our separate oo nervous to go for a drink in te viity, and too nervous to travel in a taxi togettered t    pub to toppers    full of un e doele?

        Does    try to get text to mix o mix ions again ternoon in Starbucks, and everyoermat ly clear t    tomers: young mots udents… I tried to imagialking to any of t it     to    people jumping off to from tting h.

        I    guy, said JJ. Man.    , you know. A drama queen. A male drama queen.

        A drama king, said Jess. .

        ts very s of o    strike me as someone hing on your scale, anyway.

        Itll be in to read ts. Especially o Neo pare myself hem.

        And?    on? O uand.

        sort of things? Money.

        I owe loads of people money, said Jess proudly.

        Perhink of killing yourself, I said.

        Its not mucy quid y quid there.

        Even so. A debts a debt. And if you t pay… Maybe you sake t.

        s keep some focus, ? Isnt t to focus os focus on t guy.

        e dont kno him.

        No, but, I dont kno to me. t e were gonna do.

        ere we? I was, said Jess.

        But you didnt.

        You sat on my head.

        But you    done anyt it since.

        ell. e    to t party. And    on holiday. And, you know.

        ter another.

        terrible, isnt it,    o block out some time in your diary. Otting in the way.

        S up.

        Guys, guys… I o be drao an undignified spat o a a more statesmanlike manner.

        Like JJ, I    a long nigating, I said.

        tosser.

        And my clusion is t    serious people. e    closer t nos us in something of a bind.

        I agree. ere fucked, said JJ. Sorry, Maureen.

        Im missing something, said Jess.

        t, I said. this is us.

        is? tured vaguely at our surroundings, tside, all of ly of our current dition. t. t. Not even t is t. Not for us.

        Fuck t, said Jess. And Im not sorry, Maureen.

        t, I o tell you about somet suicide. Do you remember? Any ts y days.

        guy? JJ asked.

        t guy.

        ts a job? Everythings a job.

        So w? said Jess.

        So y days.

        And y days? Not… t. things ge.

        t arra of stuff t made you ts got sed around somes like a sort of real-life version of astrology.

        Noto cill going to be telly een-year-old and    to prison. No o.

        Yes. ell. Im sure ty days t apply in my case, I     said. If t makes you happier.

        ont    ce a lot.

        My point, any end our deadline again. Because… ell, I dont kno you lot. But I realized t Im not, you knoo go solo just yet. Its funny, because I dont actually like any of you very muc you seem to be, I dont know…    I need.

        You know imes you know you sing more cabbage?

        Or drinking more er? Its like t.

        t, ed as a declaration of relut solidarity.

        toucy days up? Marc.

        ts a bit of a ce, isnt it? said Jess. Exactly ths.

        s your point? ell. Its not stific, is it? , and eig days ific, yeah.

        No, I get it, said JJ. t righs is like a season.

        Very muchs in a year.

        Sets cool. inter is he blues, JJ said.

        So it would appear, I said.

        But ta do somet just sit around ing for to be up.

        typical Ameri, said Jess.    do you    to do? Bomb some poor little try someake my mind off things, some bombing.

        should we do? I asked him.

        I dont kno kno if    helping ourselves.

        Jess is rigypical bloody Ameri. "; Self- your mind to it, rig.

        is it    talking about being President.

        Im talking about, like, finding a job ing tables.

        Great, said Jess. Lets all not kill ourselves because someone gave us a fifty peip.

        No fug    try, said JJ. Sorry, Maureen.

        You could al go back y-four days to go.

        ticle I read: an intervieer jumping off te Bridge in San Francisco.

        ter jumping,    t deal    solve - apart from t given    k t; youd t mig information. I ed to keep it to myself for time being, t seemed like somet mige later,    ever was.

        MAUREEN    It    tory out, a it, and I read it every so often, just to try to uand tter. I couldnt keep    of my    someone else, and moved ao be akes ao me, a ce, until I realized t people in my local paper alo open a sattys school once, for example.

        I    been ready on Neo make tions, because it gave me someto do - Neo look foro, in a strange sort of o talk to, to talk, instead of jump. t me jump, I told t    in my    on my    even so, Id gone doairs and on to ty. t ed to talk to us, t iced. o jump, not to natter. I t Id goo jump, but I ended up nattering anyway.

        If you t about it, tes.

        about it because my son ill around. t be a lot of t goes on. t be people    of t uatiouation. I could s, too muc seem to it suicide very often. Or if talks about it. Anyo itting suicide, nobody beats somebody, if you see w I mean.

        theres no rope holding you back.

        I prayed for Davids soul, even t    do ted ter Matty o sleep, I left es and o see    t reets full of big    urned into flats, so ts , t . And t ime to turn around and go home.

        t evening, I celevision about a Scottisective    on    about David some more, because I dont suppose    on very    sure t of t t muc for lots uments bettisective and    of time o find out    look as t ex-en minutes of y minutes    to find     bin. Forty minutes, I suppose, if you took out tisements. I noticed because I    more ied in ts ts dido e around very often.

        And t seemed abo me, ten minutes an     rigective, and it ant for     t cime on solving t I t in a tV programme, ten minutes an    right for your problems.

        t    sixty minutes an    , youre bound to end up on toppers house.

        I s s, but ts of times in my life op Matty being sixty minutes an hour.

        to t. Id ly, because of t    most of time, on most days, it    me and my son, and t meant trouble.

        Any evening ts. I lay in bed    David, and ttisective, and ing doo find Cually I got ts unknotted, and o find out o tting toget i so eaten up about some to do for forty or fifty minutes an    would help everybody.

        But I ive. I kneins    of ideas after t. So I asked Jess, because I didnt tion    five minutes, on a puter. But ted to e o see dy, and I said s you try telling    s.

        I got on Dads puter, and put dy So Google, and I found an intervie time about break and all t. You could even cli a picture of    older and a bit fatter, because of . And ting t Penny looked like teen-year-old, except t teen-year-old its or ossers, arent tin? tops or    o are slimmer and do more stuff now.

        So I read tervie said sorley    forty miles outside London. And if srying to stop people like us from knog on to tell o get back ake, because terviely    oo told us all ted us to kno from een-year-old.

        e decided not to tell JJ. e ty sure op us for some bulls reason or anots none of your business, or, Youll fuck up t c. But    , Maureen and I. ument e Martin because    any not for a ake o e o    o die. And ts a lot of e. true,    ever said ed to get back    o be in a secure domestiviro, in a place like torley    ter to do noto do trouble - teenage girls and nigos .

        So    eat. And    tube to Paddington, train to orley    Maureen and I    o say to eac really bored, and Id end up doing sometupid, because of t it really    like t, mostly because of me, and t I put in. I decided t I o be like an intervieype-person, and Id spend t about Maureens life, no matter    rouble    it ually to and depressing to listen to, so I sort of scalking, and t up t question. A couple of times s me funny, so Im guessing t quite often s told me somet it again. Like once, I     tuned ba to    Frank. So I ,    Frank, but I t s said    , if I o be an intervie lets face it, I    be intervieo trate, because talking about tuff youd actually    to kno.

        Any     to t me asking yle or anyt. And    Id e a long    made me t our story    of ing to an end, and it o be a ing out eac just sitting around moping. ts    it?    solved. Ive seen loads of films like t. ed sort out Martin today, and turn our minds to JJ, and t on ter y days, and smile, and    we had moved on.

        top    ticle in t. So    off tood outside to see tle cottagey sort of place o ttle girls all    to Maureen, Do you knoins kids? And s rig. I could imagine Martin and dy    of old-fasend t Mr Darcy or    door. So I sed, Oo-o, Polly! Maisie! And t us and came to ective work over.

        e knocked on t me as if soppers o your ever in t elling     me telling you. I really . I    see t of t of an unfriendly and unart.

        And I , ell, ts t it?

        And s, Is it?

        And I , Yes, it is. Because    o be your ex-husband.

        And s, Oh, yes he does.

        And    door.

        At t point Maureen goes, Do you talk to you? Im Maureen. Im also a friend of Martins. eve e dorain.

        And t ed o kno.

        And dy said, Im sorry, e in. Not Im sorry, fuck off    I t so say. Sand out on tep. So I en minutes Ill o taking him back.

        So o ttage, and its cosy in t not all like out of a magazine,    ure didnt really matc    smelled of t. So tting room and tting by t, O    uable. Because ening to a alkman    listen to a alkman    visiting, do you?

        dy    up to apped    visitors, and ening to Stepter. t, so I t I s a o say to t. ook tton on the mae.

        And dy said, Its Pauls dog t t I didnt say t.

        dy told    ins, and ed o leave, and s, o say I    you to o tell dy s ba, so you mig    to . And    knoo say to t either.

        Maureen looked at me, and t him.

        And dy said, Yes,    say Im surprised. And Maureen tells    topped     us? e didnt leave s ime. But, you knoell you    of t ake. And dy goes, I     in term, and I also    t by time    oo late. And I , Its oo late to learn. And s, It is for    s of smiled and said s agree to disagree. And I    o die, then?

        And t a bit quiet, and I t Id got    t about killing myself too,    ion, because of ts indicative of t ion.    part of a family. ed being part of a family.

        And ts o kill oo. Dont you think?

        And I , ell I    see    didnt .

        dy said, Did ell you I    let he girls?

        And Maureen said, Yes, ion t. And dy , ell, ts not true. I just    let ake t . Or    t    to be t sort of dad, you see. Its too muc. s to e ory some nig not every nigo see tmas play.     all tuff. And t kno,    of a tosser, really, isnt    of mistakes, sio make them.

        And t Paul bloke goes, If er, youd o say t t, so I    got to do h you?

        And dy said, Listen, Ive been very patient il ners knoy door and tell me to get back togetroyed me, and I iually listen to t Paul is my partner, and part of my family, and a epfato ts s got to do h him.

        And tood up and said, I take ter upstairs,     and ripped over my feet, and dy dived over and    s o tell me    all t stuff, like, Do I look nine years old oo tell dy so leave a blind man a back togeteen-year-olds and treated . It s really ? t    to be treated t of it. Ill just say t    all to tell dy so leave an OK bloke    still didnt sound great.
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