e back here, I said.

        I dont give a fuck, you know, so me.

        And ts t ts     t nigs. It    t    s    t it felt like s do o do, at any given moment, and if sed to jump off a building to see    felt like, try it. And once youd    out, t    a question of how much you cared.

        But you dont need our    knoart looking for Che only one who    find him.

        Yea I get s sort of how I ended up here.

        do you tin to t of us.

        Im not going any ge my mind.

        Fine. e    ask you to.

        Because theyll e looking for me.

        e home.

        So o do if t find you? t Matty somewerrible.

        tty in helplessly.

        Is it tin. Is t ed, but I could see wion.

        I only paid for one night, said Maureen.

        t? Yes, of course. tion t s not seemed to make tle pissed. Pissed off. ever.

        So pell taying two.

        Maureen looked at o do up in laughed, kind of.

        ell, is there? said Jess.

        Notin. Apart from the obvious.

        O, said Jess. Fet it. ts gone. I    tell. So    to find someto do.

        So even if youre rig o do anytoget    old you.

        know you    give mu your own.

        So you dont feel like a bond kind of t hrough.

        Nope.

        You ill being friends w a vision shared by all.

        MAUREEN    I didnt like it t tig    anyto do    so I paid for one nigo pay, but I    be around to know.

        t uand, I could tell. I mean, tand t I    uand t. t it ty    in a home somewhere.

        So    put    die?     t just goes to s t uand me, or Matty, or Fat t way.

        tin and JJ and Jess, t from anyone I knoelevision, tEnders and t to say straig saying t. t ty if    y. t    say, s t at t, and maybe t, but t me, and I didnt k.

        t me, but I ly, because t so    I o say, t see the difference.

        Because it seems to me t you o live a life you    stand if youre like t.

        So I didnt knoo say ed to die. ts s y t Id made up. But too, isnt t, you fool. Please stop me. Please o ts to live, t missing, maybe. to say, I am entitled to somet muet    quite enougs e enougo stop me.

        ell? said Martin. Are you prepared to    until tomorroell t ts too late to call them.

        ty. Give me tiny little mobile telep of    and tur on. It started ringing, and ton and put to ening to a message, I suppose.

        Someone loves you, said Jess, but he ignored her.

        I ten dotle note. I fis out of my pocket, but I couldnt read it in the dark.

        Give it in.

        ell, I    tle note, my letter, and I didnt    anyone reading it    kno, and before I kne, Martin e.

        O, . I could feel myself bluse? Cool. Read it out, said Jess. Mine are crap, but I bet hers is worse.

        Yours are crap? said JJ. Meaning, t, ing te c it.

        t    t say anyt though.

        ? said Jess.

        I imagi most of us    ten tin.

        I keep c. Its a big decision.

        One of t, Martin said. Certainly in top ten. imes seemed to be joking    joking when he was.

        Any be reading t. ing at it to read tapped t. And a feer it old tty aying for anot . t, it o be asking any more questions. If Id p long explanation for o    up monto get Matty out a few er.

        So, said JJ. Maureens OK. t just leaves you, Martin. You wanna join in?     ell, win said.

        I dunno, said Jess. Some party some depends on?

        ry a a cab to go somein.

        knoh London, Jess said.

        Good, said Martin. A, instead of killing ourselves, o e doever     muc it ry and make it work.

        Give me your mobile and Ill make some calls, said Jess.

        So Martin gave    to ted to be told where we were going.

        I kones and c television ttes.

        Youre t serious. ed a tabloid pograpo capture e unquote cry for    AKES t. And I    uand , my friends. I climb a stairo    some party, I s?

        First of all, Ill    I scored very .

        Becks Suicide I Scale. Ill bet you didnt even kno somety-o of ty points, h, as you    imagine.

        Yes, suicide emplated for more to ttempt. Yes, I ain of deattention: its fifteen storeys oppers    anyten    for you pretty ime. Yes, tive preparation     for ttempt: ladder, ters and so on. s, he scores.

        tions    s are t t. Beck calls isolation and timing. No one near by in visual or vocal tact gets you top marks, as does Intervention    argue t as    in Nort popular suicide nigervention    iable; I er by saying t    being dim. Dim rotesquely self-absorbed, take your pick.

        A, of course, if it    been for teeming t be around today, so maybe old Beck is bang on t ing on ao rescue us, but oed bumping into ealy a collective desire - a desire born more t of embarrassment - to s least for t. Not one of us desded tairs o t life iful and precious tly more miserable on tion    available to us, at least for t. And t of ement up on t of indepe state, -level laws no longer applied.

        Even t o climb tairs. And no it didnt feel like o make us feel t t anyt money, or class, or education, e, or cultural is - t ion, suddenly, in t couple of ime being ed only to be riots. I    even k five years of our marriage. Maureen kne I    meant s important t me; dy alrofessed hing I did or said.

        It    it? I    eveURNED! And tory about o settle doer sc actresses    enlargements.

        Yea. Dream on.

        JJo find out    ty, and trying to figure out en to at t exaent, if I o t came to mind , maybe because it    and silly, and reminded me of a time in life    arted le more se    today and it    tomorro    last year and it     year, and any made up our minds wal souls were headed.

        Jess spent ten mialking to sources close to C guess t    a party in S fligairs, tink of piss, and to treet, o salked enougold us    was, and where.

        It essa and t lot.

        Ain. t lot.

        And Alfie and tabiturdays. And Acid-e and t of the whole graphic design crew.

        Martin groaned; Maureen looked seasick.

        A young Afri guy driving a sty old Ford pulled up alongside us.

        he passenger window and leaned over.

        ch.

        ty pounds.

        Fuck off, said Jess.

        S up, said Martin, and got in t seat. My treat, he said.

        t of us got in the back.

        he driver.

        None of us said anything.

        Party? said the driver.

        Do you kno all? Martin asked o run into him. Should be jolly.

        "Jolly", Jess snorted. osser? If you o joke around o give y of advance warning.

        It y in t tons of people around, in cars and cabs and on foot. Everyone seemed to be in a group. Sometimes people o us; Jess always waved back.

        you? Jess said to t? Or are you gonna go and oute la nuit, said t.

        Bad luck, said Jess.

        thlessly.

        Yes. Bad luck.

        Does your missus mind? Sorry? Your missus. La femme. Does s you    no in the place where is she.

        Anyone ional antenna could    turn real dark. A tory, and t tory,    o get us into ty mood. Anyone opped righere.

        Ooo. Bigmoutrikes again.

        Not bad. Dead. , like    correg    of fact - as if in    people got fused.

        Oh.

        Yes. Bad men kill her.

        Oh.

        Yes. In my try.

        Right.

        And rigo stop: exactly at t    a million bucks t our ts all tained, someions:    we seen here? Or had he been up and e down, like us?

        ould old roubles? urned out to be so fug… dogged?

        to o know us.

        Maureen didnt    to e in    o a room t    to a Ne since Ive been    une in NYe plus anoty per t in London. It ill packed, even at four in t    favorite people: fug art students. I mean, Jess    it still came as a ss, and moustacs of tattoos and plastic s    Buso bomb Iraq, and I like a toke as muc guy, but till fill my    ly because I kno o in front of a e. t like real music, t like temptations or ts; tupid fug bleeps. Or else tend t tas, and listen to    hos and guns.

        So I -go. I    I o get into a fig t fig: Id be defendiin or Maureen from tee, or some ac it never    Martin in    and an, and     Maureen in    and sensible s in. traig t there.

        Martin and V    Underground. Me, I s, a leat and an old Gita-s, and I felt like a fug freak.

        t t made me t o break someones nose. Martin anding traig of a bottle, and tarted staring at him.

        Martin S telly! I y, and it    occurred to me t o a party ins face is like o a party naked: even arts students tend to take notice. But ted traigion.

        Oh, yeah! Good call! his buddy said.

        Oi, Sin smiled at tly.

        People must say t to you all time, one of them said.

        ? You know. Oi, S.

        ell, yes, said Martin. they do.

        Bad luck, tV, you end up looking like t t.

        Martin gave t--you-do surned bae.

        You OK? ts life,    me. o give an old clich.

        Maureey-goers as if s Diane Arbus pos projected fifty feet wide on an Imax s.

        You    a drink? heres Jess? Looking for Chas.

        And then    we go? Sure.

        Good. Im not enjoying myself here.

        Me her.

        ? I dont know.

        But ogets t? Until his guy.

        I    find    for a while. Id like a sherry, please, if you    find one.

        You kno sure to be too muc look like so me.

        e ? I found a couple paper cups, and a bottle    in it.

        Cheers.

        Cheers.

        Every Nee y full of jerks. And t.

        ime last year? I    a party at h Lizzie, my ex.

        y.

        Righink, a year ago...

        Yes, she said quickly. Oh, yes.

        Rig really knoche jerks.

        It t be    rooms. Even people y    ation toilet, except t even a separate gents. t a little ing toilet from t of it, so even to go, I couldnt; anyone mig I    o spell out    all o say t a bad smell is just a germ gas;     t anyone could use toilet anyo find it, someoo smell toilet (ed in all sorts of different     of ed    party and    kind of people t I t people like t oilet, I mig the lid.

        anding tears, and t of ty tle space around us. Some boy old    C at ty, some girl. Jess ed us all to go round t to persuade    it    a good idea.

        Its OK, Jess said. I knoanding. S didnt kno me and Chas.

        if she did know? said JJ.

        ell, said Jess. In t case I could go, could I?    does t mean? I    kill    t mad. But I would o    her.

        Maybe cut tle.

        I didnt t over it.

        I felt almost as sorry for    make it easy for    its not called t any more, over in t maco our table and asked Frank to take me ed to put any money in t, and to make a fair bit of money from t maights.

        I nearly did aainly sidered it. But I t I could ride it out, I t t get better. Imagirouble I could ty, but of course I didnt kno then.

        I didnt take any notice of t cutting people.

        I came up    of utter nonsense    Frank o move a     me. None of it rue. Frank    man e enoug muake up some bigger ones.

        ere you engaged? I asked Jess, and t.

        Engaged? Jess said. Engaged?    is t;Ooo my trut; "Oy Knob;    S part in a silly voice, but you could probably .

        People do still get engaged, Martin said. Its not a stupid question.

        engaged? I did, I said. But I said it too quietly, because I was scared of    again.

        You did? Really? OK, but    engaged? Im not ied in people out of t ied in people s ao ask w s we sead of s I was learning my lesson.

        Anyo? I didnt    any of t didnt seem fair t t ried to help.

        Did you s you did. ? Doggy style? So    o look at you? And tin grabbed o treet.

        JESS    in pulled me outside, I did t to bee a different person. Its somet like it.

        Doesnt everybody,    of trol? You knoo yourself, OK, Im a booky person, so t some books from t of    makes you feel different. If you borroerests or t t    give you a bit of a rest from yourself, I find.

        It ime to feel different. I dont knouff to Maureen; I dont kno I couldnt stop myself. I get angry, and arts its like being sick. I puke and puke over someone and I t stop until Im empty. Im glad Martin pulled me outside. I opping. I opping a lot. So I told myself t from t point on I o be more a person out of t to s; I s to ask yle.

        Martin    spare at me, told me I d asked me    said, Yes, sir, and, No, sir, and, Very sorry, sir, and I looked at t, not at    to ssied, ouc ts told    I o stop being me, and t no one    knoo say to t. I didnt    to get sie. People do get sie, Ive noticed.

        C sie, for example. And I really    not to     too muco too quickly, and    scared. Like t tate Modern? t ely a mistake. Because tuff is all ense and so on, but just because tuff is all e s    t I    all e e beed until    outside and finis tures and installations before I    off on one. I t sie, too.

        Also, t migra e beoo. Or maybe t inappropriate, because ion some time, but t rigime (s ig I    really mature enougo be a mot by yelling my     of proved it for him.

        So anyial at me for a o sured. s     sand enoug.    I uood    it    and anding outside a party full of people    kno someone else    knoting on a roof t killing ed uation I o live. I    over and put my    me as if I ation and     of some description - not a romantic Ross-and-Racype moment (as if), but a Moment of Sanding. But terrupted, and t passed.

        JJ    I    to tell you about my old band - I guess because Id started to t tarted out being called Big Pink, as a tribute to t t ed te toget up until t    like t any more. And Billy , and… s, you could care less, rigo kno no one else ever o , before my time - to no one Ive ever seen . I    bullsting you, but youll o take my : on ood nig em out ty miles aill like our albums, but it    people remember; some bands just go out and play ttle louder and faster, but o speed em up and sloo play covers of t o oo, and our so mean someto people, in a    s any more.    ecostal service; instead of applause and ears aongues. e saved souls. If you love roroll, all of it, from, I dont kripes, ted to quit your job and e and live inside our amps until your ears fell off. t t a figure of speech.

        I o e, and Id read tell t people felt t otoo, and t    t be fans, rig I could tell from reading t uys    of our s, and t. Its just t t enoughem, I guess.

        Anyway.

        Mauree faint after Jess cut loose on her, and who could blame her?

        Jesus. I    dooo if Jess ever cut loose on me, and Ive been around times. I took side on to a little roof terrace t looked like it never got t any time of t table and a grill out ttle grills are everyo me to represent triumpance, seeing as all you    do is peer at t tting at table, but    feeling too good t up and    baside, and    doo get er, but s    anyt sat t to tually    t tag to attract our attention.

        Excuse me, he whispered as loudly as he dared.

        You alk to us, you e here.

        I t e into t.

        ter migry to kill me.

        t here.

        tters everywhere.

        Like God, I said.

        I o terrad crou.

        how    I help you? You Ameri? Yes.

        Oell you t to kno ten,    you d see if tters gone?    does    se saold me to    il s out    like "once upon a time". Just once. But I stopped because s.

        Youre C you? ? Im a friend of Jesss.

        Oo    and started looking for o escape over t one point I t o try running up it, like a squirrel.

        S, . ill you    you to e and talk to tle c would help calm her down.

        C e laug, o calming Jess doranquilizers le c.

        You kno, dont you? I didnt kno, C? Ive been too scared. I t make t mistake again. I t ing at me in t mind, you k y-time youre sixty, you dont feel like it anyy years. Less. I    live . omen are fug maniacs, man.

        You dont    to t like t, man. Youve just had some bad luck.

        I said t    to say, not because my experieold me anyt. It    true t     - just t I     h.

        Listen. If you came outside and tle c,    t could ried to kill me ted once. Plus, Im banned from two galleries and a ema. Plus, Ive had an official warning from...

        OK, OK. So youre saying t t could    deato you, my friend, t its better to die like a man th grills like a mouse.

        Maureen ood up and e to join us in our dark barbecue er.

        Id try to kill you, if I ly t it imidity in the voice.

        trouble wherever you look.

        a? Get a? I didnt do anything.

        I t you said you    say t in so many    you said you     you slept h her.

        ell,    I didnt know shen.

        So once you find out t ts when you run away.

        I o run away. Sime.

        And    your business? I dont like to see people upset.

        about me? Im upset. My life is a shambles.

        No t    suc to use oppers ion, the Kings and Queens of Shambles.

        g to decide wo give up on fug life.

        You o talk to her. said Maureen.

        Fuck off, said , womp! Maureen popped him as hard as she could.

        I t tell you imes Id c a party or after a s me, alto violence, and    of calm and clarity. And OK, Maureen tle old lady, but cake a swing really broug all bae.
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