Rose hsu Jordan

        As proof of o carry a small leatte Bible o t Cist C later, after my mot    leatte Bible oo-s table leg, a    ts been ty years.

        My motends t Bible isnt t its doing ttle too loudly, "O." But I kno t er all t Bible is still    we.

        tonigccable, somet after dinner. Sly pokes able leg propped up by tcer sing for t moment to tell    ted a ting divorced. ell o say, "t be."

        And    is certainly true, t our marriage is over, I kno save it."

        And even ts ely not to save—Im afraid if I tell , sill persuade me to try.

        I ts ironic t my mots me to figeen years ago sarted dating ted. My older sisters ed only g married.

        ted and I met in a politics of ecology class    es. I refused ted a cup of coffee instead. ter at UC Berkeley, er co fis. ted al pig in th grade.

        I o admit t ially found attractive in ted    made    from my broted: ed to get ted manner;    t s immigrated from tarryto tientsin, a.

        My mot iced ter ted picked me up one evening at my parents urned ill up, celevision.

        "; oo blind to notice. A ;

        "Im Ameri too," I said. "And its not as if Im going to marry ;

        Mrs. Jordan also o say. ted ed me to a family piic, te Park. Alted only a feimes in t montainly    toget ed introduced me to all ives as il t know I was.

        Later, o play volleyball ook my arted    never seemed to look at me.

        "Im so glad to meet you finally," Mrs. Jordan said. I ed to tell    really teds girlfriend, but s on. "I ts    you and ted are    of fun toget misuand ;

        And tly about teds future, o trate on udies,    minorities; sores, personally kneed o be in one of t standard, by patients and otors    be as uanding as t u of tnam ar was.

        "Mrs. Jordan, I am not Vietnamese," I said softly, even ting. "And I ention of marrying your son."

        ed drove me    day, I told    see old    im,    ent.

        "And youre just going to sit t my m; ed, as if I or raitor. I ouc ted .

        " s; I asked, and I    he beginning of love.

        In to ea, because, in spite of anyt really prevented us from seeing one anedy im to    me up. It ional effect of saving and being saved ing to bot, as muco eace.

        " s; I tio ask    meeting ogeted started medical sc UCSF    in t peed of ted finisology, orian s. ted    up a studio doairs so I could take in ion assistant frapists.

        Over ted decided ion.    neure il o a better neigo discuss some of tters, but ion o my saying, "ted, you decide." After a    of objeg. I preferred to ig    of me: my t-square, my X-acto knife, my blue pencil.

        But last year teds feelings about y" t o    s told    and make iful again, s instead, ally sucked a , and t side of her smile fell down and she sued him.

        After    tice la—, and a big so arted puso make des. Did I to term insurance?    did I t t didate ras?    about a family?

        I t about t in t ans t;You decide," or "I dont care," or "Eit; ted    voice, "No, you decide. You t    boty, none of t;

        I could feel tective veil ed and ted noarted pus everyto decide on t trivial matters, as if ialian food or tizer or t card or caserCard.

        Last montology course in Los Angeles, ed to e along and t;Never mind, Id rat;

        "More time to study," I agreed.

        "No, because you ever make up your mind about anyt; he said.

        And I protested, "But its only    arent important."

        "Notant to you, t; one of disgust.

        "ted, if you    me to go, Ill go."

        And it ; married? Did you just say I do because ter said repeat after me?    o you?"

        t anding apart on separate mountain peaks, recklessly leaning foro to one anot separated us.

        But noed kneo s. Because later t evening ed a divorce.

        Ever sieds been gone, Ive bee, even if I    I o do    still would    of me.

        violent s you, you t    lose your baland fall. And after you pick yourself up, you realize you t trust anybody to save you—not your    your mot God. So o stop yourself from tilting and falling all ain?

        My mot ial faucet and goodness kept p out. S    kept all t s;fate," because s pronou "t; sound in "fait;

        And later, I discovered t maybe it e all along, t fait an illusion t somerol. I found out t I could    I    denying any possibility, good or bad. I    saying, If tever you are, he odds should be placed.

        I remember tarted t o me. It     tioned certainty could never be trusted again.

        e o to a secluded spot souty near Devils Slide. My fat magazio catc a fis a ps assistant o do anyt o. My moto cook anyto catc     my parents to America. It o    district tle money. It o believe t, t God    t to report and our aors    lifetime ies meant our lucky streak    all ts    amount of er.

        So ters, four brot as    beac to you. I een years old. e rudging, nine pairs of suroer to cumbling in.

        tton trousers around my legs and I looked for some play eyes. I saanding in t    boo sea. My moto, ed ts s started at tinued out past ters became roug seemed as t to sea on t looked very rocky and slippery. On ten aer. It ted    ter spe of te gulleys.

        t terrible place, full of    s c fleo our eyes and made it o see trying to act like a typical Ameri family at the beach.

        My mot an old striped bedspread, e salted h sand from our fingers.

        tood up and admired s grace, its strengtisfied, o to to t just before it . My ters, Janid Rut and slapped to get t to get up and c my moto;Dangsying tamende si," ake care of t; or literally, "atc for t; tto t greig: "; o care for them?

        And s;Yiding."

        I must. Because ters aken care of me. y? e s had done for me?

        Matten, and nine, old enougo keep t only uck out. N to pat togetlines of a sand-castle op of him.

        But Bing able and easily bored and irritable.     to play o t;No, Bing, youll just ."

        So Bing iffly like an ousted emperor, pig up s into trailed beidal o Bing every no;Dont go too close to ter. Youll get your feet ." And I t    at time talking about t    really    made me feel everything had been sidered and was now safe.

        My motition, in fact, t co certain dangers oain days, all depending o tle Cy-Six Malignant Gates. tration of some terrible da aed young i    ten in C read ters, I could only see ure meant.

        ttle boy appeared in eacure: climbing a broken tree limb, standing by a falling gate, slipping in a ub, being carried a of ligures stood a man ually t anding on a curved bridge, laugctle boy falling for already in the air.

        It    even one of tes correspoo only one danger, my mot t figure out es, based on translated into Ameri dates. So by taking to at, se fait every one of them.

        ted and moved over ttled into place. My moto t, t of sag ers of blas back doill standing at tiently casting out, ing for nengkan to ma itself as a fisell ters by ty soda bottle and o dig sao t on t w began.

        Bing tle against to ;Dont dig so    a o d I laug me as t rue. ood up and started oer.    one foot tentatively on t;Bing."

        "Im gonna see Daddy," ested.

        "Stay close to ter," I said. "Stay a;

        And I cill see    I almost feel I    make ay there forever.

        I see anding by to my fatoo carts to ugs on my fat as he .

        Ss erupt. Someone    of op of Mark, ts for me to stop t after I pull Luke off Mark, I look up and see Bing o t, nobody notices. I am t Bing is doing.

        Bing eps. tle body is moving so quickly, as if ted someters edge. And I to fall in. Im expeg it. And just as I t are already in t of balance, before o t leaving so mucer.

        I sank to my knees c spot    saying anyt make sense of it. I o ter and try to pull ? S to my fat enougake it all bad forbid Bing from joining my fathe ledge?

        And ters ;; ts and sand flying as everyone rus me toers edge. I stood to move as my sisters looked by to see rying to part their hands.

        e s and t : a brigoucers edge and t,    became dark, ts turer.

        As I look back, it seems unnatural to t t and boats at a time like t. But s. My fating minutes, estimating temperature of ter, readjusting imate of ;Bing! Bing!" as if    in tly reading ic books. And urned off t for a s do, she could. She could find Bing.

        And er, sill act. er, but sood quietly, calm and regal as a mermaid queen    of t us all in our car, a us o grieve.

        I ed to be beaten to deaters and brot . I    c I sa in ts.

        "I    to go fis; said my father.

        "e s ; said Janice, ime.

        "o t; moaned Luke. "o make me start a fig;

        And my motly admitted to me, "I told you to stop t. I told you to take your eyes off ;

        If I ime at all to feel a sense of relief, it ;So noelling you,    go and find omorro; And everybodys eyes looked do I sa as my punis: to go out o to help her find Bings body.

        Not my mot day.    ill dark and scable eacup, te leatte Bible, and the car keys.

        "Is Daddy ready?" I asked.

        "Daddys not ing," she said.

        "t t;

        S to time as o to drive urning do    all t times, getting on t    often led inexperienced drivers off and over the cliffs.

        tely do pato te Bible. And looking out over ter, so God, o    began ;Dear God" and ended ;Amen," and iween she spoke in ese.

        "I ; s same tone sed Cs. "e kne question th.

        "Iurn o s respect. e    to your    you money. e sang your songs. You gave us more blessings. And noime.

        "So maybe you o teaco be more careful s in ture. I    it in my memory. And noake Bing back."

        I listened quietly as my moto cry anding o teacter lessons of obedience before s you again."

        After    t simes, o    beyond t ;Nale!"—tand straiginel, until times    failed urned into a dark spot of ing seaweed.

        My mot let o t teacup and o ters edge. told me t t before so    she had found.

        "I remember a boy ; s;I saears, and t ter t. tral debt ten times over. Ser treatment to sootrue enoug eering a straig my astonis;

        And t. Sful, respectful manner.

        "An aor of ours oole er from a sacred er is trying to steal back. e must sen temper of t make reasure ;

        My mot tea sened o teacup, and to t. In ery blue sapp from old me, dreing stares from teo tful of Bing. So ter.

        But even    appear riging by. And to , and s;See, its because ." And I toing    t over in exion. I could feel . ts antly filled. And t to our feet, sate, groall, and bee a stranger.

        "Ma, lets go," I said as softly as possible.

        "; sed to ter. "I see ting on a little step above ter. tle cold, but    to plain too muc;

        And tood up and started    rying to folloumbling in t mounds. Seep pato ube from trunk. to tied tube into to the pole.

        "t; shers voice.

        tube folloed out, to aut and sraio ig to ter.

        e botoo cube    into ted tube leapt up and t o a cavern. It popped out. Over and ain, it disappeared, emerged, glistening black, faiting it o try to pluck    dove and popped back up agaiy but still er a dozen or so times, it o t came out, it orn and lifeless.

        At t moment, and not until t moment, did s Ill never fet. It e despair and o to ce. And it made me angry—so blindingly angry—t everything had failed us.

        I kno I ed to find Bing, just as I knoo save my marriage. My motells me, t I sill try.

        "s t?" I say. "to keep trying."

        "Because you must," s;t    reaso you must do."

        "So ;

        And my mot;You must t you must do. If someoells you, t trying." And t of tco let me t this.

        I t Bing,    it    my marriage,    I just let it    fate is satioion. But someakes over. You o pay attention to . You o undo tation.

        My motill pays attention to it. t Bible uable, I kno before s under.

        I lift table and slide t. I put table, flipping quickly ts testament begins, tion called "Deat; and ts ;Bing ; lightly, in erasable pencil.

        half and half     Up

        two Kinds

        Jing-Mei oo

        My moted to be in America. You could open a restaurant. You could    a good retirement. You could buy a    no money doly famous.

        "Of course you    be prodigy, too," my motold me    anyt does Auntie Lindo knoricky."

        America     s. to get better.

        e didnt immediately pick t kind y. At first my mot I could be a Cemple. ed cV as training films. My mot;Ni kan"—You capping , or singing a sailor song, or pursing o a very round O w;O;

        "Ni kan," said my motears. "You already k f!"

        Soon after my mot t Semple, sook me to a beauty training scrid put me in tudent ting big fat curls, I emerged o tried to    down my hair.

        "You look like Negro C; sed, as if I his on purpose.

        tructor of ty training sco lop off to make my ;Peter Pan is very popular t; tructor assured my m    a slant t made me actually look foro my future fame.

        In fact, in t as excited as my motured t of me as many different images, trying eacy ballerina girl standing by tains, ing to    music t ing on my tiptoes. I    ced out of tray. I epping from oon music filling the air.

        In all of my imaginings, I    I . My moto sulk for anything.

        But sometimes tient. "If you dont    me out of ; it ;And t;

        Every niger dinner, my mot at tcable. S s, taking ories of amazing c or Not, ood , and a dozen ot in a pile in our bat t assortment. Sories about remarkable children.

        t nig out a story about a tals of all tates and even most of tries. A teaced as saying ttle boy could also pronouies correctly.

        "s tal of Finland?" my mot tory.

        All I kneal of California, because Sacramento reet ;Nairobi!" I guessed, saying t fn o see if t o pronounce " ; before she answer.

        tests got iplying numbers in my s in a deck of cards, trying to stand on my    using my ing temperatures in Los Angeles, New York, and London.

        One nigo look at a page from tes and t everyt;No; I said.

        And after seeing my moted face again, someto die. I ed tests, tations. Befoing to bed t nigaring bad t it o cry. Sucg to scratc the mirror.

        And t seemed to be t face before. I looked at my refle, blinking so I could see more clearly. taring back at me s, s, or rats filled s of s. I    let    be .

        So nos, I performed listlessly, my eo be bored. And I    so bored I started ting t on ting and reminded me of t day, I played a game    belloer a    most. At last so give up hope.

        t aion of my being a prodigy again. And tcV. tV    sing out. Every time my mot o adjust t, talking. As soon as s do again. S up, tV broke into loud piano music. S do and loud. It iff embraceless da. Finally sood by t he sound dial.

        Sranced by ttle frenzied piano piece y, sort of quick passages and teasing lilting ones before it returo ts.

        "Ni kan," my motures, "Look ;

        I could see     by a little e years old, er Pan . temple. S like a proper Csy, so t t of e dress cascaded sloo tals of a large ation.

        In spite of t o buy one, let alone reams of s musid piano lessons. So I could be generous in my ents V.

        "Play n doesnt sound good! No singing sound," plained my mother.

        " are you pig on ; I said carelessly. "Sty good. Maybe s t, but srying ; I kne immediately I .

        "Just like you," s;Not t. Because you n." Stle    go of t dohe sofa.

        ttle C doo play an encore of "Anitras Dance" by Grieg. I remember ter on I o learn o play it.

        ter e o Mr. C floor of our apartment building. Mr. Cired piano teacraded o practi every day, two il six.

        old me t as t to    a little and it anymore.

        " you like me t a genius! I t play t go on tV if you paid me a million dollars!" I cried.

        My mot;; sed. "Only ask you be your best. For you sake. You t you be genius?    for! ;

        "So ungrateful," I ter in C;If salent as semper, s;

        Mr. iamed Old ge, alapping o t music of an invisible orcra.    in my eyes.    most of top of    alired and sleepy. But    , since    yet married.

        I met Old Lady C s. And    like a dead persons, like an old peacor; t slid off t w up.

        I soon found out eac;Like Beet; ed to me. "ere botening only in our ; And art to duct ic silent sonatas.

        Our lessons    like t to different t;Key! treble! Bass! No ss! So ten noer me!"

        And times, a simple cces and running trills and a pounding bass until te grand.

        I er    played some nonse sounded like a cat running up and doop of garbage s. Old C;Very good! But no learn to keep time!"

        So ts    Old Coo sloo keep up es I ions io ood be s. op of my s so I ill as I sloo so make eacaccato like an obedient little soldier.

        aug akes, lots of mistakes. If I    tes because I    practiced enouged myself. I just kept playing in r dug e reverie.

        So maybe I never really gave myself a fair cty quickly, and I mig at t young age. But I ermined not to try, not to be anybody different t I learo play only t ear-splitting preludes, t discordant hymns.

        Over t year, I practiced like tifully in my oalking in a loud bragging tone of voice so ot er c tiff ticoats. Auntie Lindos daug my age, anding fart five feet aers squabbling over crayons and dolls. In ot part, y. averly Jong ain amount of fame as "Cotlest C;

        "Soo many trop; lamented Auntie Lindo t Sunday. "All day sime do not dust off ; S averly,    to see her.

        "You lucky you dont ; said Auntie Lindo o my mother.

        And my mot;Our problem    music. Its like you t stop tural talent."

        And rigermio put a stop to her foolish pride.

        A feer, Old Co alent ss o buy me a sedzer spi    he showpiece of our living room.

        For talent so play a piece called "Pleading C; from Sc    sounded more difficult t o memorize t parts to make t I da, playing a feing, looking up to see es folloeo    being somew being someone else.

        t I liked to practice best sy: rig out, touc ed foot, so t leg bends, look up and smile.

        My parents invited all to ness my debut. Auntie Lindo and Uin    ttlest ones got to go first. ted simple nursery r tunes on miniature violins, tutus, and ;A; and tically.

        urn came, I . I remember my t. It    a doubt, t t. I soever, no nervousness. I remember to myself, t! t! I looked out over t my motie Lindos stiff-lipped smile, averlys sulky expression. I e dress layered s of lace, and a pink boer Pan . As I sat doo t and Ed Sullivan ruso introduce me to everyone on tV.

        And I started to play. It iful. I    first I didnt o me    e and I realized somet sound quite rig anot. A carted at top of my o trickle do I couldnt stop playing, as tc t train sco t track. I played trange jumble ts, tes staying o the end.

        ood up, I discovered my legs    motions and     all. I s my rig out,    do, except for Old g, "Bravo! Bravo! ell done!" But tri face. to my cried not to cry, I tle boy    ; and t;ell, sainly tried."

        And noo my back. I felt t stiffly t t of the show.

        e could ermission. Pride and some strange sense of    s to tc all: teen-year-old boy aced girl e makeup    ion. And t prize playing a tricky violin song t sounded like a busy bee.

        After t. Clairs from to my mother.

        "Lots of talented kids," Auntie Lindo said vaguely, smiling broadly.

        "t ; said my fato me in a    I had done.

        averly looked at me and s;You arent a genius like me," ster-of-factly. And if I    felt so bad, I would omach.

        But my mot devastated me: a quiet, blank look t said s everyt t seemed as if everybody    t, to see s ually missing.    on to go une and my mot. I kept ted to    until    ing at me. But ment, my mot to to tions. No blame. And in a    disappointed. I ing for o start sing, so I could s bad cry and blame her for all my misery.

        I assumed my talent-s I never o play t ter, after sc of tccV.

        "Four clock," s unned, as to go talent-sain. I ig of tV.

        "turn off tV," sces later.

        I didnt budge. And t o do     ed to    upid one.

        S from tcood in try;Four clock," she said once again, louder.

        "Im not going to play anymore," I said noncly. " a genius."

        Sood in front of tV. I saw    was heaving up and down in an angry way.

        "No!" I said, and I ner, as if my true self    had been inside me all along.

        "No! I !" I screamed.

        SV. Seningly strong, o. Sed me up and onto t terly.    was h en, smiling crazily as if she were pleased I was g.

        "You    me to be someo Im not!" I sobbed. "Ill never be ter you    me to be!"

        "Only t and ter    live in t daug;

        "t your daug my mot; I sed. As I said t scared. It felt like oads and slimy t of my c, but it also felt good, as if t last.

        "too late c; said my mother shrilly.

        And I could sense o its breaking point. I ed to see it spill over. And ts . "t; I sed. "I wis;

        It unned, as if stle, lifeless.

        It    tment my mot in me. In t folloing my oations. I didraig bee class president. I did into Stanford. I dropped out of college.

        For unlike my mot believe I could be ao be. I could only be me.

        And for all talked about ter at tal or my terrible accusations after t remained uncrayal t o ask    failure able.

        And even worse, I never asked    frig: hy had she given up hope?

        For after our struggle at tioned my playing again. topped. to tting out t, my misery, and her dreams.

        So so give me tiet played in all tremendous burden removed.

        "Are you sure?" I asked s;I mean,    you and Dad miss it?"

        "No, t; s;Al;

        "ell, I probably t play anymore," I said. "Its been years."

        "You pick up fast," said my motain. "You ural talent. You could been genius if you    to."

        "No I couldnt."

        "You just n," said my mot as if to announce a fact t could never be disproved. "take it," she said.

        But I didnt at first. It o me. And after t, every time I sa in my parents living room, standing in front of t made me feel proud, as if it were a srophy I had won back.

        Last    a tuner over to my parents apartment and ioned, for purely seal reasons. My motting ttle bit at a time. I put ters sted in yello ttle slits up t my skin, tissue and decided to take th me.

        After I uned, I opeouc sounded even ric es ten scales, togetape.

        I opened up to ttle piece I    tal. It -;Pleading C; It looked more difficult t es came bae.

        And for t time, or so it seemed, I noticed t- ;Perfectly tented." I tried to play t er melody but turned out to be quite easy. "Pleading C;    slo;Perfectly tented"    faster. And after I played times, I realized two he same song.
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