Lena St. Clair

        tle, my motold me my great-grandfatenced a beggar to die in t possible    later t-grandfat, or er.

        I used to play out t moments over and ain in my iorip off t and lead o t;traitor," read tioner, "is senteo die ts." But before o er, my great-grandfatily put back toget;As tting me do; said t, "I t t I    I    is on t; And t-grandfato s .

        I once asked my mot;In bed, very quickly, after being sick for only t;

        "No, no, I mean t? Did to cs?"

        "Anns in your mind?" cried my mot;t may years.    does it matter ;

        I al it mattered, to kno possible t    o you, to knoo not be draerrors t surrounded our    cil s dark er of ill tcil s.

        As I remember it, t in our old ried to    from me. S ypes of key locks. And it became so mysterious t I spent all my energies unraveling til to pry it open o immediately fall o t er I stopped screaming—I ell me about t and ed five babies in me and ten us all in a six-course meal, tossing our bones on ty floor.

        And after t I began to see terrible t of me I got from my mot ligo strike dotle cle ly squasricycle. And    sc. Monkey rings t    i could splas of laughing friends.

        I didnt tell anyone about t even my mot people didnt kno. Clair.    sa I looked like my fate at time. But if t ts. Instead of s, mine    ra my c looked too pale, like somet was once darker and he sun.

        And my eyes, my motern    cuts of a s knife. I used to puso make til I could see te parts. But her asked me why I looked so scared.

        I o of my moture aken ion Station. Sayed til termine , or tizen. My fat izen. Some in a sea of immigration categories.

        My motalked about    my faterrible life tragedy s speak about. My fation papers: Betty St. Clair, crossing out    doead of 1914. So,    ead of a tiger.

        In ture you    see eal tts at top sernized suit jacket, ayliss padded stons. t from my fatfit so someplace.    do in    he black horizon of her head.

        And even t, aring up past the camera, wide open.

        "; I asked my father.

        And my fat ruggling to keep il t off, ten seds later.

        My moten looked ting for someto er s truggle to keep her eyes open.

        "Dont look at ; said my motoing on t a building. S time,    slept for many years. And    and ips ted.

        " did so ; I her.

        "S a bad man," said my mot;S ."

        And I krue. I kneo o onese listle bit of Englised my motures, looks and silences, and sometimes a bination of Englisuated by ations and Cration: "S;—ords ot e out. So my fat words in h.

        "I trying to say sired," her became moody.

        "I t darn family in try!"    meal.

        But    possibly imagine. I could uand tly, but not t led to anot e.

        "You must not ion but to sc; o walk by myself.

        "; I asked.

        "You t uand t; she said.

        "?"

        "Because I    put it in your mi."

        "?"

        "Aii-ya! Sus! Because it is too terrible to sider. A man    grab you off treets, sell you to someone else, make you     be done? Youll go to jail, die t;

        I krue ans I also made up lies to prevent bad ture. I often lied ranslate for rus, notices from scelep;S;— meaning?—s a grocery store yelled at o smell told    C alloo s a notice    a polio vaation, I told ime and place, and added t all students o use metal lunchey had discovered old paper bags    carry polio germs.

        "ere moving up in t; my fation to sales supervisor of a cloturer. "Your mot;

        And o San Francisd up a o an Italian neigeep I o lean into t to get en and I he old fears behind in Oakland.

        tment building ories ments per floor. It ed fa鏰de, a ret layer of ucco topped ed roal fire-escape ladders. But i    door s narroo a musty lobby t smelled of everybodys life mixed toget t door o ttle buzzers: Anderson, Giordino, . Clair. e lived on tuck bet floated up a sounds t drifted doreet, and at nigruggling to climb teep, fog-s;Are    t; A beagle scrambling to    to start er by fire truck sirens and an angry ability, I would soon fall asleep.

        My mot ment, but I did at first. tiled, arranging ture, unpag disures on t took    o, op, s a man whrew her off balance.

        . ood up straig ing, "I found you! Suzie ong, girl of my dreams! ; And arted rusoo do anyt moment as s go, I started to scream, seeing till screaming after top it, for C poor little girl and ;

        t of t of stores, srembled. Scig . And once ake    out of    ter, I started to slip ao look at t I k instant    s protected me better.

        As soon as    o put tables a quite rigc so t door to a he sofa.

        " are you doing?" I asked.

        S "t being balanced," and I t s    . And tarted to move tables, a ese scroll of goldfish.

        "s going on ; asked my father when he came home from work.

        "S look better," I said.

        And t day,    some terrible danger lay ahead.

        "; I asked rue answer.

        But sead: " your nature, you are not in bala too steep, and a bad op blt a;

        And tarted pointing to tment. "See    rangled. And tcoilet room, so all your ;

        "But    mean? s going to s not balanced?" I asked my mother.

        My fat to me later. "Your mot practig ing instincts," ;All mot it. Youll see w;

        I wondered whing more?

        And ter, I found out t my fat all along. I came o my bedroom, and sa. My mot against a    danger omaco have a baby.

        "See," said my fat t;ing instincts. . And ;    see er sao bump into to table edges as if s omaed a baby, as if srouble instead. S speak of talked about a    t of balanot in    t baby, t it uachis crib in my room.

        it ttime life of my imagination cead of street sounds, I began to me door. t-door buzzer said a family called there.

        t first niging. A tened my ear against ting back. And nour onto our street, and I could ions fading in and out:o say!… out and stay out!…rathen!

        ts and ts, a m to slice    a braid, toe, a t of    of il t, no sounds.

        I lay back against my pillo nessed ion. A girl    been killed. I    been able to stop myself from listening. I    able to stop w    all.

        But t nigo life ing,    tinued, niger nig my elli possible t could error of not knoop.

        Sometimes I    separated our tment doors. tment airs going up to tairs going doo the lobby.

        "You break ys sliding do banister, Im gonna break your neck," a omping on tairs. "And dont fet to pick up Pops suits!"

        I kneerrible life so intimately t I artled by t time. I    door s    a fe a ted doairs and I quickly gato reet.

        S seem like a girl races of blood-stained clote blouse, a blue cardigan ser, and a blue-greeed skirt. In fact, as I ce ily in ro    I    urned reet and    of my sight.

        Every time I sa, I end to look dotons on my ser, guilty t I kne her.

        My parents friends Auntie Su and Uncle ing picked me up at se to tal to see my mot spoken ance.

        "It is no; said Uncle ing, looking at ch.

        "time," said Auntie Su.

        ed my motal, sossing bad f at the ceiling.

        "My fault, my fault. I kne ; s;I did noto prevent it."

        "Betty darling, Betty darling," said my fatically. But my mot sing tions to    me, in a strange way, as if she were begging me for her life, as if I could pardon her. She was mumbling in ese.

        "Lena, o put in my moth.

        And for once, I    struck me t t possible t ened.

        "o be born," s;I could already tle fingers, to stay inside. But tor, to pus, make , t and able, steaming h life.

        "    a stop looking at it. t oo! I could see all to o be, and tor sed!    ay eggshell!

        "And to fill    air and rise up from table. turo one side, to t looked rig to killing my ot to ;

        I could not tell my fat sy crib in ell him she was crazy?

        So t I translated for ;S all t ;

        After t, not all at once, but piece by piece, like plates falling off a s ing.

        Sometimes sart to make dinner, but op er running full steam in tables, silent, tears floimes ing and op and put our forks do;—It doesnt matter. My fat sit trying to figure out     didnt matter table, kno ime.

        My fato fall apart in a different o make tter. But it g.

        "S tired," o me    t tatue on    aring at e as if it ead of spagti.

        At    everyty eyes. My fatting my ;; but al me, to in my    in my stomac    I could feel it. I could feel every little movement in our silent    nigs oo deat edge lying ay neck, I used to    ter feeling sorry for myself, it forted me someo t t door had a more unhappy life.

        But one niger dinner our doorbell rang. tairs first.

        "Lena, could you see ; called my fatc;resting" and it was as if s.

        I opeiously, t     door. I stared at . S me, and s of bed hes on.

        "?" called my father.

        "Its    door!" I sed to my fat;Its…"

        "teresa," she offered quickly.

        "Its teresa!" I yelled bay father.

        "Invite ; my fat almost t t teresa squeezed past me and into our apartment. it being invited, sarted o door and follo he back of a horse.

        S over to my o open it. " are you doing?" I cried. S on t o. And t me and started to giggle. I sat dog for o stop, feeling the dark opening.

        "s so funny?" I finally said. It occurred to me t per me, at my life. Maybe seagnant silence of our unhappy house.

        "; I demanded.

        "My mot," salked o be proud of t. And ttle and said, "e    and s t. So no outside til Im sorry enougo apologize. But Im not going to."

        "t are you going to do?" I asked breatain t ime.

        "Im going to use your fire escape to climb bato my bedroom," s;And so . And    be t; She giggled again.

        "ont s;

        "Na be glad Im not dead or sometend to be mad, sort of. e do tuff all time." And through my window and soundlessly made her way bae.

        I stared at time,     serrible    s op?

        I lay doing to s. And late at nigill aupida girl. You almost gave me a    attack. And teresa    fell and broke my neck. And ting h love.

        I unned. I could almost see them, because I had been wrong.

        And in my memory I    still feel t beat i nigo ter day, niger niger year. I co    on t I k possible top. I still sa noo cill eresa errible fig I sahing else.

        I sa t being seen    a sold ;t die ts. It is to save you."

        ted ted, cried out in terror and pain. But when she opened her eyes, she saw no blood, no shredded flesh.

        t;Do you see no;

        t;Noanding. I . After t possible t;

        And ter said, "No e back, to t;

        And the wall.
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