to sound like a mad song before someone mercifully ans nigrying to stay focused on s later, a rap on my door, a curious pause, and tensified to a t she nearly fell off of me.

        " is it? Im busy. t you see tie on t;

        "; On trembled. "Its your motelep;

        "tell ."

        tave. "Im really sorry,    you o take t;

        I pulled on pants and a ser, ope taring at t;Someoerve died."

        It iourally, in my s. Upourning ory t ting in t a stoplig four blocks ae, notucked in a cigarette pack h one remaining Camel.

        I spent trying to make sense of t a t killed    somet    trut me. My deceptions oo careful and clever, yet in my infrequent enters ed cold, distant, and unyielding. Some private demons plagued    I felt no passion. it, ers, and I could never five o tself,    ted our family to ts.

        itraug of making arras. S, no doubt abetted by ributions over many years, to alloo be buried iment, but ions. teen, o tears, and at ter all, and ing as it did in ter of my sopimed. I cursed to pay ts astonished me.

        As om in our touary to treet. A brigege of more trailed beers and I led the grim parade.

        "; I her.

        Sraig;Your fat of tory. to a salmon t;

        In t . Robins and t    stood in toic as a soldier. Seeing     e o o to our friends and family, and to me. e did not speak of ers back to to receive dolences.

        omen from es. t more cool and quiet t did in t. On table lay tokens of unity spirit—ts, cold fried cato salad, Jell-O salad s, and a tles of soda stood o gin and scotcub of ice. Floor bubbled madly. My motted    eacs to ticular cooks. Mary sat at one end of t t on , and Elizabete end, c door for visitors. An er    guests siff and formal in ts. One by oo my mot erment.    me ranger. A couple of old soldiers dropped by, specters from a past t no one else kneing good ole Billy.

        I soon tired of tion reminded me of t-recital gatless. Out on took off my black jacket, loosened my ie, and nursed a rum and Coke. trees rustled itent breeze, and tly ernoon. From ts produced a murmur t rose and fell sistent as ten, a quick peal of laugo remind us t no one is irreplaceable. I lit a Camel and stared at the new grass.

        S my side, redolent of jasmine,    betrayiion of trimmed at tis in e couture of Mrs. Kennedy. But tess odeo copy tyle    looking foolis ood at t ty to speak, but s it to me to decide t for versation.

        "It o e. I    seen you since w;

        "Im so sorry, ;

        I flicked my cigarette into took a sip from my drink.

        "I    a recital doo; s;four or five years ago. to-do aftering lady in a red coat. Remember ly your fatreated    crazy at all, but a person    nig;

        remembered tess from t nig seen or t of ill a little tomboy. I set doed ure, to a nearby cook t o me, our knees nearly toucared at rance. S s in sed grade, te ty-yard das off to too tion. Vaniservening years o a beautiful young woman.

        "Do you still play piano?" s;I y at college. Are you studying music?"

        "position," I told ;For orcra and c ever get fortable in front of people. You?"

        "Im nearly finisiurse. But Id like to get a masters in social oo. All depends."

        "Depends on ;

        So;On . Depends on my boyfriend, I guess."

        "You dont sound too entic."

        So me, .

        "?" I whispered back.

        As if a ligened. "t to do. ;

        t    upon me, as if I     I could not place    s er draury. tess scrambled to    aled into uck out a paed a beat for my handshake.

        "Brian Ungerland," ;Sorry for your loss."

        I muttered my tion of tesss voice brougo t;Good luck ions, ; s;Ill look in tore for you." Seered Brian to;Sorry ;

        As t, I called out, "I    , tess, and do ." S me over her shoulder.

        After all tors ed, my motcy glasses in ts of tcreetops before evening fell. trutted like cassocked priests on to to bee invisible.

        "I dont kno looking at me.

        I sipped anotion.

        S reply. "eve enougo get by. t a;

        "twins could ;

        "to t on to er, I . t trouble noion    occurred to ;It    of ruining tations. t;

        I draie from my pocket.

        S;You migo stay    until I    get on my feet. Do you tay?"

        "I guess I could miss anot;

        So me and grabbed my arms. "ay for a fe    it    be."

        "Mom, its ter."

        "I kno youll stay ; Sared till I nodded. "ts a good boy."

        I ended up staying mu ed for a feerruption of my studies c left enougo finisill in    a job. My friend Oscar Love, back from a tour of duty    an abaore off Linnean Street s. ited to a bar age barely big enougo round out a band. Jimmy Cummings played tar. e called ourselves ts all ending to be Geney or Frankie Valli, I end bar a fes of t Oscars Bar got me out of tra dollars enabled me to    turn to playing piano, but I loat first year back. tess simes. Seeing he dreams I had deferred.

        "You ery man," tess told me one nigs. "Or mystery boy, I sotally different from t of us."

        I s measures from "Strangers in t." S;Seriously, tranger. Aloof. Above it all."

        "Is t rigainly so you."

        "O; Sipsy and grinning. "You ;

        t    of my forced aurn to te t nig    ionso steal he deja vu face.

        tending bar and playing pia me out late at nigers e a cold dinner alo t nigirred in tside tt, t looked sort of like a ook my plate into turned on television to te, late movie. After tins first spies o ing and cold, petrified t I    again amid those devils.
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